I am overly jealous or being gaslighted?
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Anonymous
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Hello,
I recently re-connected with my ex. We have been seeing each other for a few weeks and it has been great. We have sent each other long letters in the meantime, discussing past issues and what changes we would need, etc... This communication has been cathartic and fulfilling. I asked him to make a decision on whether to truly try again or not. If not, I would just move on. We were going to discuss a decision soon. However, he works FT and is studying for a new masters and is vey busy, which I respect. He also has used that as a reason for sparse communication. I sent him a message recently asking him to share his final thoughts and actually, if in any case he is on dating apps, swiping while trying to decide, I would like to know because to me that means his head is not in the right place, and I don't want others factoring into deciding if he want to be with me or not. He said he is and that has nothing to do with our relationship and he is just "swiping" and not trying to set up dates, etc... I find that utter BS. But he claimed that is just me being "paranoid" and "jealous". I decided to end it for good. Now I wonder if I overreacted. I'd like sane people to share some thoughts. Please, no put downs. I feel low enough already. -confused |
Anonymous
| You did the right thing. You deserve better. You deserve to be happy. |
Anonymous
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It’s BS. I had a bf try to pull the “it’s just when I’m bored, I’m not trying to meet anyone” crap. Turns out he was doing a lot more, like having his ex gf come over in the middle of the night to “talk”.
You did the right thing. |
Anonymous
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Run, don’t walk to the nearest exit, OP. It’s time to move on. There’s no relationship to have with him. He should be on his best behavior. If it feels like you’re being disrespected, it’s because you are being disrespected.
Don’t process it with it. Nothing to explain. Just tell him it’s not going to work out and that you wish him well. Then block all his contact info. |
Anonymous
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I don't think it was a good idea to make demands on a person you aren't in a relationship with, but I think it is better to move on. You clearly felt like you were invested enough that you needed assurances that he wasn't looking elsewhere and he was, even if he was "just swiping". (My guess is maybe they called it quits or caused the first breakup). Tells me that you aren't on the same page and that's something that ought to be rock solid before drifting back to an ex.
There's a better fit for you put there. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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I’m from another generation when these dating apps didn’t exist. I think you prematurely overreacted over a dating app. Of course if you were back together for good and he was still on, that would be upsetting. I don’t think you needed to get upset before the decision.
BIL is dating a girl he met on tinder. They were dating for 2 months and he was still on tinder and went on another date and the first girl went nuts on him. The date wasn’t good. He didn’t sleep with her. The first girl wasn’t exclusive. I’ve been married for a long time. I used to go on a lot of dates and/or hang out with a lot of guys. I talked to multiple guys all the time. I didn’t meet them on an app but it may be a guy from college or work or wherever. If I liked a guy and we started dating and I was starting to see him seriously and he got all crazy jealous, I would not want to be with him. If you are trying to decide to be serious, you should have let both sides make that decision. |
Anonymous
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You absolutely made the right decision. His actions speak louder than his words, and it doesn’t even sound like he’s available to you, in the sense that you had to kind of push the communication along; he goes missing, and leaves you hanging. And then accusing of you of being jealous because your idea of trying again does not include either of you on dating apps?
The fact that you are doubting yourself reflects that the unhealthy dynamics of your relationship are still in play. You deserve better. |
Anonymous
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“I’d like to know because to me that means his head isn’t in the right place.” To me that doesn’t even sound jealous, that sounds grounded and not letting your emotions rule your actions. Even if he is justified in continuing to swipe, calling you jealous is not. A guy who you’d want to be exclusive with with would say “I am still not ready to be serious” or something like that, not blaming you. It’s sad but men do this a lot. They do something objectively concerning (at best), and then call a woman overly emotional when she objects. The good news is that not all guys are like that and you can do better. |
Anonymous
+1,000,000 PP says it all, OP. |
Anonymous
| He was an ex for a reason when you reconnected. It definitely sounds like he should stay an ex. You deserve someone who knows they want to be with you and shows you with their actions. |
Anonymous
| Guy here. Yes, it is BS. He sounds very busy and you are familiar, convenient and making it way too easy for him. Stop "reconnecting" if you know what I mean and force his hand. I did something similar when I was working and going to school. Not proud of it, but you are not being paranoid, you are right on the mark. One way to know is to deprive him of your time and company and see how he responds. |
Anonymous
| There is a reason why he is your ex. Remember that. |
Anonymous
This. 100% this. No question. |
Anonymous
| Why are you wasting your precious energy on this person. It’s not cathartic, it’s toxic. Move on! |
Anonymous
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You are in no position to make any demands of him. You two are no longer married or together. You are not his boss. You don't own him.
If he doesn't make the moves to be with you - that's it. Move on. |