Dealing with my mom after my dad died

[Anonymous]

My dad recently died. He had a terminal illness in which his quality of life deteriorated significantly in his last six months so it was a difficult end. He had money but refused to hire help, I found a relatively nice nursing home a couple of miles from my house and encouraged him to move so the children and I could visit him regularly and I could be more involved with his care. He didn't want to do that because Medicare wouldn't pay for that. He needed and wanted me to be close by so I took time off from work and get back and forth to help out as much as I could. My siblings did the same.

He passed away three weeks ago. I'm now sorting his estate out. There were several things he told us that weren't true about his financial affairs and he left a messy business behind that my siblings and I have to sort out.

My parents got divorced 40 years ago. My dad did not treat my mom well, everyone knows that. My siblings and I recognize that.

My mom lives with me about 6 months out of the year. Emotionally, it's very difficult. She goes on and on about all the things he did that weren't fair, how it lied to her, how an attorney told her she could have financially ruin him but that she didn't do that because it would hurt her children, how my dad refused to pay for an expensive maternity dress she wanted for a formal function but then turned around and bought his mistress expensive jewelry. We've heard this stories in the past. All is this is very wrong. My siblings and I recognize that, we've been empathetic through the years, and we have financially supported my mom tremendously since we started working. We pay her pay, we pay for her vacations, she was able to stop working at 62, one of my siblings recently bought her a car, another sibling took her a nice family vacation. We have not abandoned my mom. We have also explained to her that we are not responsible for all the things that went wrong in her marriage.

Last week, I told her I was dealing with a lot trying to sort out my dad's estate while still doing my job, taking care of my children and that if she could please just back off a bit about the past because it is emotionally draining and that I have very little fuel left. Her response, "younger women now are so delicate. If you had to go through half of what I went through, you would have killed yourself." She then tells my husband that she is worried I'm going to "crack up." She is on the phone loudly talking to her friends about how she is grieving but that she feels free because she has forgiven my dad.

I'm at a loss about how to deal with this situation. I can't constantly listen to what happened in the past.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

You're well within your bounds to tell your mother you've had enough. I realize this is challenging when she lives with you, but is it possible to let her know you'll be leaving the room if she continues? Rinse and repeat.

[Anonymous]

Grey rock. Don’t give reasons for tuning out, just say, “I hear you” or “that sounds frustrating” and then leave the room or change the subject. You do plenty for your mom, and boundaries are perfectly appropriate.

[Anonymous]

If she had forgiven him, she wouldn't still be so endlessly vocal about all his faults 40 years after the divorce.

Someone recently on here used a phrase something along the line - I am not your audience for this. Let her know venting about your recently deceased father needs to be directed elsewhere. Maybe start suggesting counselling for her each time she brings stuff up.

[Anonymous]

My mom is like your mom. I no longer set verbal boundaries. I simply don't tolerate bashing dad. I change the subject. I leave the room. I get off the phone.

My mom also does the "you're so delicate/sensitive" and she makes herself out to be so strong. I bought this narrative for many years, but in therapy have realized just how emotionally disturbed mom is and how much she struggled to manage anger and depression. I have learned to detach and no longer tolerate her confiding in me.When she insults me I change the subject or get away. I also see her less. When she tries to use me as her therapist, if I suggest she see a therapist or talk to a friend she rages so i just make an excuse to exit stage left. I will not enable her to remain emotionally unhealthy. She is capable of getting help and trying meds too. She did try meds and did better many times but every time she goes off it because she insists "I am not crazy." She is mentally ill and I will not enable her to remain ill.

I would rethink having her live with you for5 6 months a year. Why? Does she need care? Can she not afford the right set up? If there is money to throw at it and you can throw the money. If there is an inheritance you hope for, forego and let her spend it on care. You need to ideally find the right boundaries where you can stand to be involved with her and not burn out.

[Anonymous]

Another thing to consider, she never learned to identify and talk about her emotions and stress. She probably learned it's weak to share it. She is too emotionally immature to handle your honesty. I learned that with my mom. So I am robotic. I simply talk about how busy I am without the feelings.

One funny and deranged story...when I told my mom how draining I found her complaining about dad and dealing with all her anger in general and how I had many stressors going on and needed to focus on those, she said I was a "fragile flower" and should get some therapy. I told her I was getting therapy and she procedure to co0mpletely lose her mind with anxiety and rage asking me what I said about her and telling me I better not talk about her and then saying she needs the number of this therapist to tell her side. Then she said how stupid therapists are only losers see them. I said nothing. I just watched her completely lose her mind in front on me...she the woman who said I have the issues. I calmly watched and listened. She ended with a tantrum that she must talk to this therapist to defend herself. Keep in mind, not once did I say I mentioned her in therapy. Can you imagine?

My daughter once requested therapy to deal with friendship dramas, etc and I said sure. I then joked and said I am sure my parenting has given you plenty to talk about so I assume this will be a multi year commitment. We both laughed.

[Anonymous]

Tell her that if she lives under your roof, she needs more self-control over what comes out of her mouth. She's free to badmouth you and your father and anyone else out of your house, but you don't want to hear that crap inside.

[Anonymous]

Send her to therapy.

[Anonymous]

Lots of helpful tips and support. Thank you.

Never heard of grey rock before. I looked it up and appreciate awareness of this approach.

[Anonymous]

"This happened 40 years ago. I won't listen to you talk about it anymore. If we're on the phone I'm going to hang up; if we're in person I'm going to walk away. It happened FOUR DECADES ago. You MUST retire these issues at least with me. If you still need to process them I would be fine with helping you find a qualified therapist to help you move past them. I love you but can't listen to things that happened 40 years ago. You have a decision to make."

And then I'd stick to those boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"This happened 40 years ago. I won't listen to you talk about it anymore. If we're on the phone I'm going to hang up; if we're in person I'm going to walk away. It happened FOUR DECADES ago. You MUST retire these issues at least with me. If you still need to process them I would be fine with helping you find a qualified therapist to help you move past them. I love you but can't listen to things that happened 40 years ago. You have a decision to make."

And then I'd stick to those boundaries.

I see this type of advice a lot OP, but if your mom is anything like mine she will explode with rage at this. i find a more subtle approach worked better for me. This was too direct for her crazy.

[Anonymous]

Sending you hugs. It sounds like you and your siblings have gone above and beyond for your parents. Google "gray rock method".

[Anonymous]

OP here, interesting how several responses have discussed rage. Unfortunately, rage is a common response she feels that we've pushed her buttons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, interesting how several responses have discussed rage. Unfortunately, rage is a common response she feels that we've pushed her buttons.

I wish we could get our mother's together. They could discuss:

a.The awful men they created a family with
b. Their terrible daughters who are too fragile and overwhelmed
c. What saints, martyrs and heroines they are

[Anonymous]

I commend your patience OP. I would ask her why she chose this man and remind her that you have had ZERO choice in your parents. I am sorry for your situation especially when it seems the more you give her, the more she demands.