"I'm a good mother."

[Anonymous]

A neighbor who just moved here over the summer said this to me this morning. We ran into each other outside and were talking, and wound up chatting about what our kids eat for breakfast on weekends. I said mine made banana coconut pancakes and had fruit on the side. She told me she always makes her kids breakfast because "I'm a good mother." This is not the first time she's said something that makes me think she's wildly insecure. I think having kids who know how to make food they like makes ME a good mom.

I can't tell if this neighbor thinks she's in competition with me for who's the best mother or she worries she's not a good one so seeks out proof she is. We each have ten year olds and she asked if I read to mine. I said I don't, because she prefers to read on her own, and she told me she's a good mom who reads to hers every night. But I think I'm a good mom for respecting what my kid wants and letting them enjoy downtime.

It's so bizarre and getting to the point where I don't want to engage with her in conversation. Okay, rant over.

[Anonymous]

I know one mother who repeats “I’m a good mother” often. I feel so sorry for her. She desperately needs reassurance all the time.

[Anonymous]

I know someone who says this. Her kids are in trouble, in more ways than one. She doesn’t discipline or hold them accountable. She is not a good mother. Women who ARE good mothers do the work quietly, and they don’t need to vocalize it or seek affirmation from others.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I hate it when people say they are a good mother, or comments that someone close to them is a good mother when everyone can see they are not. “My Lady Doth Protests To Much.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know someone who says this. Her kids are in trouble, in more ways than one. She doesn’t discipline or hold them accountable. She is not a good mother. Women who ARE good mothers do the work quietly, and they don’t need to vocalize it or seek affirmation from others.

Disagree that good moms don’t need to be told as much. There are so many conflicting messages about motherhood, we all need reassurance from those who matter. That said, it’s a bizarre thing to say to a neighbor and definitely screams insecurity.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you both feel you have a lot to prove to eachother. Next time just say ‘pancakes.’

[Anonymous]

The only person who has repeatedly said this to me is my crazy, narcissistic MIL, who is seems to be an awful mother (based on stories from her adult children and how I’ve seen her try to manipulate them over the years). Having to use this phrase out loud definitely screams wildly insecure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you both feel you have a lot to prove to eachother. Next time just say ‘pancakes.’

+1

[Anonymous]

Ok, let me get this straight.

OP, you had a conversation this morning with a neighbor that just happened to land on "what our kids ate for breakfast this morning." Interesting (or not, actually). And then you shared that your kids had prepared a healthy meal that requires some skill. Okay, cool, but I'm betting you would NOT have shared this information if your kids had, say, poured themselves bowls of cereal or helped themselves to Nutrigrain bars, right?

You were bragging. Listen, I'm not criticizing -- I might also brag about my kid cooking themselves a healthy meal, that's a big parenting win. But you weren't saying this to your neighbor because it's such a fascinating topic of conversation. You were sharing it because you felt good about it and wanted to share. In other words: you wanted validation.

But your neighbor is a person and not a slot machine, so when you bragged about your kids' healthy breakfast, she had a knee jerk moment of insecurity (should my kids be cooking for themselves? do they get enough fruit in their diet?) and reassured herself "I'm a good mom because I cook my kids breakfast for them, and that's something a loving mom would do."

But wait! That wasn't the end of it. Because how did you respond to this? By thinking to yourself "Well I think having raised kids who prepare meals for themselves make ME a good mom." Notice that your neighbor never said you weren't. She was just asserting, probably for herself as much as anyone, that she is a good mom. You can both be good moms! In different ways, even!

And then you came to DCUM to share this story so you and PPs could criticize her for needing validation and being insecure. But... aren't you also being insecure in giving this interaction a second's thought? Why did it bother you that she called herself a good mom? Why do you need strangers on the internet to agree she shouldn't have said that, or it says something bad about her? Aren't you bing every bit as demanding of reassurance as you are implying your neighbor is?

This here is a bottomless bit of judgment and recrimination ladies. Turtles all the way down, as they say.

[Anonymous]

Don’t let her pull you down to her level. She may have a lot to deal with. Just be friendly. She will appreciate that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, let me get this straight.

OP, you had a conversation this morning with a neighbor that just happened to land on "what our kids ate for breakfast this morning." Interesting (or not, actually). And then you shared that your kids had prepared a healthy meal that requires some skill. Okay, cool, but I'm betting you would NOT have shared this information if your kids had, say, poured themselves bowls of cereal or helped themselves to Nutrigrain bars, right?

You were bragging. Listen, I'm not criticizing -- I might also brag about my kid cooking themselves a healthy meal, that's a big parenting win. But you weren't saying this to your neighbor because it's such a fascinating topic of conversation. You were sharing it because you felt good about it and wanted to share. In other words: you wanted validation.

But your neighbor is a person and not a slot machine, so when you bragged about your kids' healthy breakfast, she had a knee jerk moment of insecurity (should my kids be cooking for themselves? do they get enough fruit in their diet?) and reassured herself "I'm a good mom because I cook my kids breakfast for them, and that's something a loving mom would do."

But wait! That wasn't the end of it. Because how did you respond to this? By thinking to yourself "Well I think having raised kids who prepare meals for themselves make ME a good mom." Notice that your neighbor never said you weren't. She was just asserting, probably for herself as much as anyone, that she is a good mom. You can both be good moms! In different ways, even!

And then you came to DCUM to share this story so you and PPs could criticize her for needing validation and being insecure. But... aren't you also being insecure in giving this interaction a second's thought? Why did it bother you that she called herself a good mom? Why do you need strangers on the internet to agree she shouldn't have said that, or it says something bad about her? Aren't you bing every bit as demanding of reassurance as you are implying your neighbor is?

This here is a bottomless bit of judgment and recrimination ladies. Turtles all the way down, as they say.

clap clap clap

[Anonymous]

You both sound competitive. Why post here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, let me get this straight.

OP, you had a conversation this morning with a neighbor that just happened to land on "what our kids ate for breakfast this morning." Interesting (or not, actually). And then you shared that your kids had prepared a healthy meal that requires some skill. Okay, cool, but I'm betting you would NOT have shared this information if your kids had, say, poured themselves bowls of cereal or helped themselves to Nutrigrain bars, right?

You were bragging. Listen, I'm not criticizing -- I might also brag about my kid cooking themselves a healthy meal, that's a big parenting win. But you weren't saying this to your neighbor because it's such a fascinating topic of conversation. You were sharing it because you felt good about it and wanted to share. In other words: you wanted validation.

But your neighbor is a person and not a slot machine, so when you bragged about your kids' healthy breakfast, she had a knee jerk moment of insecurity (should my kids be cooking for themselves? do they get enough fruit in their diet?) and reassured herself "I'm a good mom because I cook my kids breakfast for them, and that's something a loving mom would do."

But wait! That wasn't the end of it. Because how did you respond to this? By thinking to yourself "Well I think having raised kids who prepare meals for themselves make ME a good mom." Notice that your neighbor never said you weren't. She was just asserting, probably for herself as much as anyone, that she is a good mom. You can both be good moms! In different ways, even!

And then you came to DCUM to share this story so you and PPs could criticize her for needing validation and being insecure. But... aren't you also being insecure in giving this interaction a second's thought? Why did it bother you that she called herself a good mom? Why do you need strangers on the internet to agree she shouldn't have said that, or it says something bad about her? Aren't you bing every bit as demanding of reassurance as you are implying your neighbor is?

This here is a bottomless bit of judgment and recrimination ladies. Turtles all the way down, as they say.

clap clap clap

+1 perfect

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, let me get this straight.

OP, you had a conversation this morning with a neighbor that just happened to land on "what our kids ate for breakfast this morning." Interesting (or not, actually). And then you shared that your kids had prepared a healthy meal that requires some skill. Okay, cool, but I'm betting you would NOT have shared this information if your kids had, say, poured themselves bowls of cereal or helped themselves to Nutrigrain bars, right?

You were bragging. Listen, I'm not criticizing -- I might also brag about my kid cooking themselves a healthy meal, that's a big parenting win. But you weren't saying this to your neighbor because it's such a fascinating topic of conversation. You were sharing it because you felt good about it and wanted to share. In other words: you wanted validation.

But your neighbor is a person and not a slot machine, so when you bragged about your kids' healthy breakfast, she had a knee jerk moment of insecurity (should my kids be cooking for themselves? do they get enough fruit in their diet?) and reassured herself "I'm a good mom because I cook my kids breakfast for them, and that's something a loving mom would do."

But wait! That wasn't the end of it. Because how did you respond to this? By thinking to yourself "Well I think having raised kids who prepare meals for themselves make ME a good mom." Notice that your neighbor never said you weren't. She was just asserting, probably for herself as much as anyone, that she is a good mom. You can both be good moms! In different ways, even!

And then you came to DCUM to share this story so you and PPs could criticize her for needing validation and being insecure. But... aren't you also being insecure in giving this interaction a second's thought? Why did it bother you that she called herself a good mom? Why do you need strangers on the internet to agree she shouldn't have said that, or it says something bad about her? Aren't you bing every bit as demanding of reassurance as you are implying your neighbor is?

This here is a bottomless bit of judgment and recrimination ladies. Turtles all the way down, as they say.

OP here. I explained what my kids made for breakfast after she told me she made her kids eggs, waffles and fresh squeezed juice. And my kids are 8, 10 and 12 - it doesn't seem impressive to me for them to be able to make pancakes. I'm just going to scale back on conversations with her - I don't compete with people. I'm not bothered she called herself a good mom today, but she seems to say it every time we talk. She always asks what my kids are doing or I'm doing for them and finds a way to one-up. I don't need this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you both feel you have a lot to prove to eachother. Next time just say ‘pancakes.’

+1

+2 - if someone asked what we did for breakfast I can’t imagine answering the way you did vs just saying “pancakes”