What is your relationship like with parent who cheated?

[Anonymous]

And how does your relationship affect the other parent?

[Anonymous]

My parents are now deceased. My father cheated on my mother when I was young. They worked it out and went on to have 30 happy years together. I was always a daddy's girl and my relationship with my dad helped my mom and I overcome our difficult relationship. She and I were very close at the end of her life. I realized at a very young age that an outsider (even their child) has no insight or business in the workings of a marriage.

[Anonymous]

It wasn't great, for a long time. I caught my mother in an affair with a married man in our small town when I was 16. My parents were already in the process of divorcing. Because the person was someone I knew well and the parent of a close friend, I felt really betrayed personally by all the lies they told me right to my face. We didn't get along for many years and I lived primarily with my dad. After I had kids, we've just sort of avoided the topic, but she is still with him. We have conflict when she tries to get us to play Big Happy Family or get me to validate her view that everything turned out for the best. While her AP eventually divorced his wife, I still think he is a loser and it's very awkward when I see his ex-wife or his children, who were once my closest friends. TLDR if you gotta cheat, pick someone who doesn't bring problems into the family, and accept that not everyone's going to want to spend time as a big happy family.

[Anonymous]

My dad cheated on my mom, who is a nightmare. Mostly I feel bad for my dad and don't blame him at all. They are still together, somehow. He knows he is always welcome to move in with us if he ever has enough of her nonsense.

[Anonymous]

I discovered my dad cheating on my mom through emails when I was 27. He was planning to move halfway across the country with this other woman and my mom made a third of what my dad did, and I was really worried he was going to financially screw her. I told my mom and they started the divorce. My dad had planned to start a separation and all of this stuff when my sister was done with college but it didn’t quite work out that way.

For about 6 months I absolutely demonized him. I would fantasize about him dying and leaving us all alone. Eventually (and with therapy) I started to accept that my dad is just a guy who felt trapped in a shitty marriage, and tried to do the right thing by his wife and kids (disregarding his marriage vows though). He did not screw over my mom, and answered a lot of questions about the affair and how he felt, and I learned to accept and forgive him. My mom is a really difficult person to live with and she took 100% a victim role in the intervening years. It’s tough because she thinks she was the perfect wife and mother. She really wasn’t.

But anyway, I have always been close to my dad and while I don’t condone what he did to our family, I can’t entirely blame his reasoning. He was lonely and wanted out but wanted a neat, tidy end to things on his terms. We have a pretty good relationship now, and I’m even close with his gf. I see why he likes her. I also see how shitty it was dealing with my mom now that she’s alone. It’s been tough and especially holidays and family events are difficult but it’s been about 3 years and things have definitely improved.

[Anonymous]

A surprisingly nuanced discussion of the issue. I give it a few more replies before the whole thread turns sideways.

[Anonymous]

I always see daddy girls that demonize mommy who was the betrayed one.

I get it. I was extremely close to my dad. He coached teams and I even later worked with him post-college (went into the same profession). My sister was closer to my mom. My dad and I were so much alike.

My parents had a wonderfully happy 52-year marriage before he died with no cheating that I or anyone else is aware of and, given his character and obvious love for my mother I can’t see it.

That said, if I was like these women I would have a hard time demonizing him and probably would try to justify the man I worshiped like all these daughters are doing. They blame their mom, but kids really have no idea what mom has kept hidden from them and endured in the marriage. They might see her acting a certain way but they most likely have no idea what he has done that they don’t know about and hence mom’s disdain or resultant behavior.

After being the victim of an affair in a 20+ year marriage with kids…it is absolutely gut wrenching. It is traumatic and changes you. I no longer care what the circumstances are—-cheaters create so much pain and trauma—I think it is such a display of bad character and zero integrity. It might be it’s the way they’re were raised that they do this—but get some help.