Did your cognitively intact elderly parent start treating you like you were younger?

[Anonymous]

My elderly mother's latest thing is to be very condescending and talk to me like I am an ignorant teenager who doesn't watch the news or know how to research anything. She is constantly informing me of something that anyone who even checks the news once a day would know. She will start with something like "You probably aren't aware of this, but...." I used to get sucked in and calmly remind her I am adult who watches the news, but it just sets off some of her crazy where despite remaining calm she will say "No need to get defensive. It's just you were never into the news." I wasn't into the news at age 13 and apparently she forgot I grew up. She also has started giving unsolicited advice at a much more frequent rate. She will share something anyone who knows how to use google and talk to a nurse can figure out. I cannot say anything to ask her to stop because she gets defensive and I certainly won't reinforce it with a "thank you." I am middle age, married with a job and kids of my own. While she has always had a difficult personality, she has not talked down to me to this degree since I was a teenager. I mostly stay neutral and do what is called "medium chill" with her because she cannot handle assertive confrontation without tantrumming.

I should note, she has a horrible anxiety issues which I now realize she has had my whole life. Years ago I had to set limits of her anxious calls and emails and I started taking breaks form her whenever she tantrummed. She goes on anxiety meds and is more even, then takes herself off even though everyone-doctors, adult children has told her she needs those meds and it's a dangerous to go off so rapidly. She passes dementia screeners.

I know I just need to detach and I do, but does anyone else feel like it is a job to be in your elderly parent's life and there is no joy? I could do all the self-care in the world, but after over a decade of dealing with her emergencies and mood swings and recent increase in condescending behavior I just find I am happiest the days we have no contact. I do feel a need to be in her life to some degree and be there in case of a real emergency, but it sucks the life out of me dealing with her and I can only imagine how miserable it must be to be her. I think she is pulling this with "friends" too because she is complaining about them not appreciating her and they seem to be fading off.[img]

[Anonymous]

I have an anxious parent who does some of this, especially the telling me about current events a few days late. But reading your post, it really sounds like your reactions are more than half of this dynamic.

When my mom relates something in the news, I say "Oh yes, I saw that" and let her talk. Or, I say "Let's not talk about the news, it stresses me out" and change the subject. When she tells me something obvious, I say "yeah, that's probably right" or "that's what Dr Google said too" and move on.

I avoid topics like politics, money, my health and my marriage - things where I "should" do something or other. Instead I ask about her friends, our relatives, what she did today, the weather.

Consider that your mom is not as internet savvy as you, and is experiencing some cognitive decline, and also that she likely misses feeling needed and "on top of things." Aging is hard.

[Anonymous]

No no no. Do not fight. Just say "hm-mm" and steer the conversation to something that doesn't raise your hackles. And If you can't find anything, end the conversation or leave.
There is a point beyond which you cannot control the nonsense your parent spews. But you can control how much time you spend with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

No no no. Do not fight. Just say "hm-mm" and steer the conversation to something that doesn't raise your hackles. And If you can't find anything, end the conversation or leave.
There is a point beyond which you cannot control the nonsense your parent spews. But you can control how much time you spend with them.

OP here. This is what I do. If I engage too much it just sets off more of her nuttiness. For a while she would rant about politics and I knew to steer away, but now she says something just so obvious on the news like "There is a new form of Covid called Omicron that is surging" and if I calmly say "yes, I know. I saw it on the news." She jabs "Well you tend to not watch or read the news so wanted you to know." I have been an avid reader and watched of the news since my late teens. One year I was clueless and she is now obsessed with thinking I am still stunted.

I also find she projects her emotional issues on to me. I used to think I really struggled with anxiety. I have learned in therapy I am pretty resilient, but I just cannot confide anything in my mother because it sets her off and she pathologizes it and gets me anxious. So, I cope with life's stressors through exercise, joking with my husband and friends and it's so much easier to navigate things even really tragic things than it is to tell mom anything and have her catastrophize while implying I am the one with the issues.

[Anonymous]

Yes. My anxious mother became worse and worse as she aged. And I became more and more incompetent in her eyes. I think it's a way to make them feel better about themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

No no no. Do not fight. Just say "hm-mm" and steer the conversation to something that doesn't raise your hackles. And If you can't find anything, end the conversation or leave.
There is a point beyond which you cannot control the nonsense your parent spews. But you can control how much time you spend with them.

OP here. This is what I do. If I engage too much it just sets off more of her nuttiness. For a while she would rant about politics and I knew to steer away, but now she says something just so obvious on the news like "There is a new form of Covid called Omicron that is surging" and if I calmly say "yes, I know. I saw it on the news." She jabs "Well you tend to not watch or read the news so wanted you to know." I have been an avid reader and watched of the news since my late teens. One year I was clueless and she is now obsessed with thinking I am still stunted.

I also find she projects her emotional issues on to me. I used to think I really struggled with anxiety. I have learned in therapy I am pretty resilient, but I just cannot confide anything in my mother because it sets her off and she pathologizes it and gets me anxious. So, I cope with life's stressors through exercise, joking with my husband and friends and it's so much easier to navigate things even really tragic things than it is to tell mom anything and have her catastrophize while implying I am the one with the issues.

Yes, a lot of adults find that at one point they cannot share much of their struggles with their parents, because they will not be supportive (or their "support" will just make things worse). I realized this rather early on.

[Anonymous]

My mom has always treated me like a child with her great advice and commentary on how I cook, wipe a counter, load the dishwasher etc. It’s never gotten worse, just there. All the time.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand why it is important to you that she know that you already know the thing she is trying to tell you. Does it matter? I know I sound snarky, but I’m being sincere. So what if you already know it’s going to snow and she says, you probably don’t know this, but it’s supposed to snow tomorrow. Can you just say thanks for letting me know, and move on?
My guess is that she is feeling loss of control and/or loss of being needed or important and trying to get that back through these annoying conversations. I would focus on just letting her feel superior or knowledgeable; consider it a gift to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why it is important to you that she know that you already know the thing she is trying to tell you. Does it matter? I know I sound snarky, but I’m being sincere. So what if you already know it’s going to snow and she says, you probably don’t know this, but it’s supposed to snow tomorrow. Can you just say thanks for letting me know, and move on?
My guess is that she is feeling loss of control and/or loss of being needed or important and trying to get that back through these annoying conversations. I would focus on just letting her feel superior or knowledgeable; consider it a gift to her.

I think you have experience with more well adjusted people. With this type of person the behavior just increases exponentially with every "thanks for letting me know" and they will start calling and texting more and telling you more "news" and giving more "advice" because clearly you appreciate it. If you do the opposite and politely say, no need to share I already know, they are indignant and the anger escalates. The only way I have found to keep this sort of behavior in check is to just not give reinforcement through emotion or words. You just can't engage too much.

I also think it's good to empathize with people to a point, but when you deal with crazy-making behavior it can turn into gaslighting. There are some people where you need to let go of always feeling sorry for them and enabling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

No no no. Do not fight. Just say "hm-mm" and steer the conversation to something that doesn't raise your hackles. And If you can't find anything, end the conversation or leave.
There is a point beyond which you cannot control the nonsense your parent spews. But you can control how much time you spend with them.

OP here. This is what I do. If I engage too much it just sets off more of her nuttiness. For a while she would rant about politics and I knew to steer away, but now she says something just so obvious on the news like "There is a new form of Covid called Omicron that is surging" and if I calmly say "yes, I know. I saw it on the news." She jabs "Well you tend to not watch or read the news so wanted you to know." I have been an avid reader and watched of the news since my late teens. One year I was clueless and she is now obsessed with thinking I am still stunted.

I also find she projects her emotional issues on to me. I used to think I really struggled with anxiety. I have learned in therapy I am pretty resilient, but I just cannot confide anything in my mother because it sets her off and she pathologizes it and gets me anxious. So, I cope with life's stressors through exercise, joking with my husband and friends and it's so much easier to navigate things even really tragic things than it is to tell mom anything and have her catastrophize while implying I am the one with the issues.

Why would you say this? Just say “oh dear” or “yes, do you think it will make things worse” or “thank you.” It’s small talk. I’m not saying your mother doesn’t suck but this is just small talk with someone who sucks. There’s no reason to rise to the bait.

[Anonymous]

When old parents start becoming irrational toddlers again, you know it's time to disengage, and just look after their earthly shell.