PSA: Visualize your future and proceed accordingly

[Anonymous]

I'm here visiting from the General Parenting Forum, where people are complaining about their spouses not doing their share of housework or childcare or errand running/organizing or what have you. My DH meanwhile was out shoveling yesterday with two small kids "helping" him, and that's after he made lunch and dinner and started the dishwasher. This is just a normal day for us, and I stayed back to deal with Christmas cleanup, laundry etc. Neither of us need any congratulations but it seems our situation is not the norm.

You may be busy thinking about how your partner measures up in terms of looks or some kind of status but all that will fade in importance when life gets busy and you realize where your priorities Really are. So think about what your partner does now, how much s/he pitches in, how much s/he thinks about you both as a team vs two competing individuals and you'll have a much more useful lens into the future.

/endrant

[Anonymous]

I would add to this, OP, to look at your future spouse’s family of origin for clues about how your life will go. Is MIL doing all the work? Does FIL help clean up when you visit? What is the history of that family?

DH helps with chores and housework because that’s what his father did. MIL was managing bipolar and mostly ok but there were periods when FIL was completely in charge of holding the family together. I didn’t realize how important this was but it is.

[Anonymous]

Agreed, PP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would add to this, OP, to look at your future spouse’s family of origin for clues about how your life will go. Is MIL doing all the work? Does FIL help clean up when you visit? What is the history of that family?

DH helps with chores and housework because that’s what his father did. MIL was managing bipolar and mostly ok but there were periods when FIL was completely in charge of holding the family together. I didn’t realize how important this was but it is.

Eh, not always. A lot of this has to do with general cultural expectations evolving as working outside the home became the norm for women. My MIL would’ve sooner died than see her husband pitch in with housework. She would have been ashamed. But my husband is very helpful around the house, because times have changed and he’s not an a**hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would add to this, OP, to look at your future spouse’s family of origin for clues about how your life will go. Is MIL doing all the work? Does FIL help clean up when you visit? What is the history of that family?

DH helps with chores and housework because that’s what his father did. MIL was managing bipolar and mostly ok but there were periods when FIL was completely in charge of holding the family together. I didn’t realize how important this was but it is.

Eh, not always. A lot of this has to do with general cultural expectations evolving as working outside the home became the norm for women. My MIL would’ve sooner died than see her husband pitch in with housework. She would have been ashamed. But my husband is very helpful around the house, because times have changed and he’s not an a**hole.

No. You just got lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would add to this, OP, to look at your future spouse’s family of origin for clues about how your life will go. Is MIL doing all the work? Does FIL help clean up when you visit? What is the history of that family?

DH helps with chores and housework because that’s what his father did. MIL was managing bipolar and mostly ok but there were periods when FIL was completely in charge of holding the family together. I didn’t realize how important this was but it is.

Eh, not always. A lot of this has to do with general cultural expectations evolving as working outside the home became the norm for women. My MIL would’ve sooner died than see her husband pitch in with housework. She would have been ashamed. But my husband is very helpful around the house, because times have changed and he’s not an a**hole.

OP here and I agree it's not a hard and fast rule but the apple doesn't usually fall far from the tree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm here visiting from the General Parenting Forum, where people are complaining about their spouses not doing their share of housework or childcare or errand running/organizing or what have you. My DH meanwhile was out shoveling yesterday with two small kids "helping" him, and that's after he made lunch and dinner and started the dishwasher. This is just a normal day for us, and I stayed back to deal with Christmas cleanup, laundry etc. Neither of us need any congratulations but it seems our situation is not the norm.

You may be busy thinking about how your partner measures up in terms of looks or some kind of status but all that will fade in importance when life gets busy and you realize where your priorities Really are. So think about what your partner does now, how much s/he pitches in, how much s/he thinks about you both as a team vs two competing individuals and you'll have a much more useful lens into the future.

/endrant

So what do you suggest if you don’t see your spouse helping in your future?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm here visiting from the General Parenting Forum, where people are complaining about their spouses not doing their share of housework or childcare or errand running/organizing or what have you. My DH meanwhile was out shoveling yesterday with two small kids "helping" him, and that's after he made lunch and dinner and started the dishwasher. This is just a normal day for us, and I stayed back to deal with Christmas cleanup, laundry etc. Neither of us need any congratulations but it seems our situation is not the norm.

You may be busy thinking about how your partner measures up in terms of looks or some kind of status but all that will fade in importance when life gets busy and you realize where your priorities Really are. So think about what your partner does now, how much s/he pitches in, how much s/he thinks about you both as a team vs two competing individuals and you'll have a much more useful lens into the future.

/endrant

So what do you suggest if you don’t see your spouse helping in your future?

Think long and hard whether you would really be OK. If you want kids, will you be resentful raising them mostly by yourself? Cleaning house (even if you pay for cleaners, you still have to clean up after yourself daily)? Errands? Can your spouse meet you half way when negotiating on major life decisions?

[Anonymous]

If you want a partner in life, make sure they are behaving like one early on. Don't ignore the red flags.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm here visiting from the General Parenting Forum, where people are complaining about their spouses not doing their share of housework or childcare or errand running/organizing or what have you. My DH meanwhile was out shoveling yesterday with two small kids "helping" him, and that's after he made lunch and dinner and started the dishwasher. This is just a normal day for us, and I stayed back to deal with Christmas cleanup, laundry etc. Neither of us need any congratulations but it seems our situation is not the norm.

You may be busy thinking about how your partner measures up in terms of looks or some kind of status but all that will fade in importance when life gets busy and you realize where your priorities Really are. So think about what your partner does now, how much s/he pitches in, how much s/he thinks about you both as a team vs two competing individuals and you'll have a much more useful lens into the future.

/endrant

This is precisely why I divorced. The present sucked and I was not going to continue that in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would add to this, OP, to look at your future spouse’s family of origin for clues about how your life will go. Is MIL doing all the work? Does FIL help clean up when you visit? What is the history of that family?

DH helps with chores and housework because that’s what his father did. MIL was managing bipolar and mostly ok but there were periods when FIL was completely in charge of holding the family together. I didn’t realize how important this was but it is.

Eh, not always. A lot of this has to do with general cultural expectations evolving as working outside the home became the norm for women. My MIL would’ve sooner died than see her husband pitch in with housework. She would have been ashamed. But my husband is very helpful around the house, because times have changed and he’s not an a**hole.

No. You just got lucky.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would add to this, OP, to look at your future spouse’s family of origin for clues about how your life will go. Is MIL doing all the work? Does FIL help clean up when you visit? What is the history of that family?

DH helps with chores and housework because that’s what his father did. MIL was managing bipolar and mostly ok but there were periods when FIL was completely in charge of holding the family together. I didn’t realize how important this was but it is.

Eh, not always. A lot of this has to do with general cultural expectations evolving as working outside the home became the norm for women. My MIL would’ve sooner died than see her husband pitch in with housework. She would have been ashamed. But my husband is very helpful around the house, because times have changed and he’s not an a**hole.

No. You just got lucky.

+1

But so did OP. She seems to want all the credit for making such a superior choice. Huge eye roll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would add to this, OP, to look at your future spouse’s family of origin for clues about how your life will go. Is MIL doing all the work? Does FIL help clean up when you visit? What is the history of that family?

DH helps with chores and housework because that’s what his father did. MIL was managing bipolar and mostly ok but there were periods when FIL was completely in charge of holding the family together. I didn’t realize how important this was but it is.

Eh, not always. A lot of this has to do with general cultural expectations evolving as working outside the home became the norm for women. My MIL would’ve sooner died than see her husband pitch in with housework. She would have been ashamed. But my husband is very helpful around the house, because times have changed and he’s not an a**hole.

No. You just got lucky.

+1

But so did OP. She seems to want all the credit for making such a superior choice. Huge eye roll.

Yeah OP is definitely humble bragging and there is definitely truth to the Arab proverb that marriage is like a watermelon, you don’t know what’s inside until it’s time to eat!

There are definitely things you can focus on that will probably help you make a better decision, but of the divorced people I know the “red flags” were not that obvious. Deciding to marry someone is basically crazy, you are deciding you can commit to someone forever no matter what happens based on one specific moment in time. There are ways to avoid making a very very stupid choice but is it so easy to find a good spouse? No. So many women on this board lived with their spouses before marriage and when the big realities of life came along- house, mortgage, children, the men don’t measure up, they are somehow not as helpful as when they were in an apartment and had fewer responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

It’s not that hard to rule out a traditional male view. Harder to vet supposed male feminists. All of them trying to get into your pants with varying tactics.

One must be extremely observant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not that hard to rule out a traditional male view. Harder to vet supposed male feminists. All of them trying to get into your pants with varying tactics.

One must be extremely observant.

Very true.

To the 21:00 poster, this is anonymous so not sure what I'd get from bragging, humbly or otherwise. If we want more kindness and equality in the world, we have to start keeping people accountable. Wishful thinking is what gets many people into bad marriages.

I love the Arab watermelon proverb, btw. Hadn't heard it before.

-OP