He searched “how married couples split bills” — we already have a house and a baby?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years, have a 2 year old son, and bought our house together a few years ago. Anyways, we were sitting in the living room yesterday and he looked at his phone and said, “hmmm”. I asked what was wrong and he just looked a little confused. So, I said again, what is it. He said, “Nothing. Just curious how married people split bills”. I stared him confused and said, “What do you mean. It’s no different than people paying bills when you live together. Nothing much changes once you’re married”. He just nodded and said that made sense and I was right. All last night and this morning this has been heavy on my mind. That was odd for him to think of that, right? His parents have been married for over 30 years so I thought that was something he would already know. He’s in HR and I work in marketing so it’s not like either one of us are incredibly well off.

Maybe he was just genuinely curious? Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Ask him

"Hey BF, was curious what prompted you to Google that last night?"

[Anonymous]

Haven’t you wondered why he didn’t propose when you got pregnant?

[Anonymous]

Maybe he read something that made him ponder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Haven’t you wondered why he didn’t propose when you got pregnant?

I figured it was money - between the baby and house it’s just been very expensive. Last year he wanted to know the cost of a wedding. I reassured him that I didn’t need anything expensive.

[Anonymous]

Do you already have separate finances? If you have combined finances and he was looking to split them up, then yes that’s a little concerning.

[Anonymous]

A lot can change once you are married, you might be kidding yourself there.

As to why he was searching, maybe he thinks you don't contribute enough and is hoping things might change once you get married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Haven’t you wondered why he didn’t propose when you got pregnant?

I figured it was money - between the baby and house it’s just been very expensive. Last year he wanted to know the cost of a wedding. I reassured him that I didn’t need anything expensive.

You shouldn’t be wondering- you need to actually communicate! I strongly suggest therapy.

[Anonymous]

Do you paid anything now? Maybe he is having money problems?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Haven’t you wondered why he didn’t propose when you got pregnant?

I figured it was money - between the baby and house it’s just been very expensive. Last year he wanted to know the cost of a wedding. I reassured him that I didn’t need anything expensive.

You shouldn’t be wondering- you need to actually communicate! I strongly suggest therapy.

+1 This is weird, OP. You’re just waiting around to see if he brings up marriage again? And no, bills in marriage aren’t usually like living together. A lot of married people have combined finances.

[Anonymous]

How DO you split the bills? Maybe he feels it's not the best arrangement. You should be communicating about this.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't read anything dire into it. It sounds to me like he does think about what getting and being married will look like while it sounds like for you there doesn't seem to be much in the way of investment in the timeline and dealing with more immediate things.

We got married when our son was 10. DH had bought a house and I was added to the deed and other assets when we actually made it official. Not much else really changed in terms of how we financed stuff.

[Anonymous]

OP, it actually isn't the same. Married finances are even taxed differently. The reason married couples can look at everything as "ours" such that splitting bills doesn't even make logical sense is because, generally, everything is ours -- if one dies, it all belongs to the other (again generally, obviously there will be specific exceptions); if we divorce it generally gets split evenly (again generally, obviously there will be specific exceptions).

If one of you dies or you break up, it is much messier unless you have a contract in place and a will to cover your child's needs. You do have wills right? And a contract to cover the care and custody of the child if one of you splits?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Haven’t you wondered why he didn’t propose when you got pregnant?

I figured it was money - between the baby and house it’s just been very expensive. Last year he wanted to know the cost of a wedding. I reassured him that I didn’t need anything expensive.

You shouldn’t be wondering- you need to actually communicate! I strongly suggest therapy.

+1 This is weird, OP. You’re just waiting around to see if he brings up marriage again? And no, bills in marriage aren’t usually like living together. A lot of married people have combined finances.

And even those who don't are just playing a psychological game (absent a prenup) because legally, married property belongs to both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it actually isn't the same. Married finances are even taxed differently. The reason married couples can look at everything as "ours" such that splitting bills doesn't even make logical sense is because, generally, everything is ours -- if one dies, it all belongs to the other (again generally, obviously there will be specific exceptions); if we divorce it generally gets split evenly (again generally, obviously there will be specific exceptions).

If one of you dies or you break up, it is much messier unless you have a contract in place and a will to cover your child's needs. You do have wills right? And a contract to cover the care and custody of the child if one of you splits?

I think she meant how she and her SO split finances won’t be any different. Your response further proves that his search was weird. If he’s worried about the legality and permanence of finances once married that’s a really bad sign.