If you pick up after your spouse

[Anonymous]

If you clean up after your spouse all the time and it doesn’t bother you, can you share your mindset? Why doesn’t it bother you? Is there something your spouse offers in return that you feel makes it ok?

[Anonymous]

He picks up after me, too. We both have our ‘things’ …trying to get better, but I do what I can for him (putting his shoes away) and he does what he can for me (picking up the glasses I leave around).

[Anonymous]

I tidy, organize the house, fold laundry, cook half the time, do dishes the other half. He takes out trash & recycling, deals with the yard/cars, loads laundry, cooks half the time, and does dishes the other half.

I don’t like tidying after the whole family but the kids are young, so some of that is to be expected and will change. We have help with cleaning and a pretty minimalist set up. My mindset is that we are a team. It helps that he does certain things that I really appreciate, such as take the kids in the morning so I can sleep in. He is also very generous in bed. Never hurts to have something good to think about while you tidy.

[Anonymous]

He is the one who cooks most of the time. He does all the laundry, including the stuff that needs hand washing. He cleans the toilets. He makes coffee in the morning and brings it to me in bed. Like PP, he deals with cars/yard/home repair stuff. He is a super hands on dad.

[Anonymous]

He’ll run all the errands, handle kid rides, etc. without issue. I. Happy to be the homebody picking stuff up.

[Anonymous]

It does bother me a bit, but then I look at how much of my time it actually takes (not that much, maybe 20 mins a day) and whether he does some something that I would happily trade these 20 mins for - he does; every morning he wakes up the kid, feeds her and takes her to the school bus; I don't even need to get out of the bed.

[Anonymous]

He isn't that messy. If he were leaving clothes all over the floor or dishes on the counter constantly, I wouldn't be able to handle it. But he does clean, especially in the kitchen. And he'll start a load of laundry of fold it when it's done, etc. It's not like I'm his maid.

But I am absolutely the designated picker-upper in our house because I really love getting rid of clutter. I'm good at figuring out where things go, organizing, and recognizing what is just trash/recycling and can be tossed out altogether. He's bad at that stuff and if he tries to do it, we just wind up with lots of piles of things that need to be sorted through again. He doesn't have the killer instinct when it comes to this stuff.

So I just view it as part of our allocation of tasks according to who is best at things. I do it faster and better. He is good at replacing lightbulbs, hanging stuff, moving furniture, etc. It makes more sense to split things up according to what people like doing and are good at, instead of both of us struggling to do things our partners are just better at.

[Anonymous]

I made a decision not to let anything that takes me less than 30 seconds to deal with get to me. It takes 10 seconds to throw his clothes in the hamper or put his breakfast dishes in the dishwasher. Not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

I do have periods where I’m absolutely consumed with rage over it and take steps towards divorce. Then the rage sometimes will pass for a period (days/weeks/months even) and I just try not to think about it and zone out listening to a podcast while I clean.

The reality is I have tried all the solutions offered by this site:

1. Hire someone to do it! (We can’t afford a daily housekeeper and biweekly cleaners don’t solve the problem of dishes/laundry/trash/sweeping)

2. Lower your standards! (DH grew up in a hoarding household and has zero problem with filth, so there will never reach a point at which he will see the messes)

3. Talk to him about it!/therapy (we’ve done that. They have you make a chore chart. Even when I have literally just told DH to choose only 1-2 things he can handle, he still doesn’t do them consistently or effectively. He says he will, he might for a day or a week. He always reverts back).

4. Divorce (I’ve got young kids. I don’t want them living in filth)

5. Time machine (every thread finds a way to blame the DH’s bad behavior on the wife-like IF ONLY you had made better choices then none of this would have happened. Except-none of it matters when you’re a decade into it and have kids together).

My current project is trying to find DH the highest paying job possible. He must have some kind of diagnosis but there’s nothing official (ADHD/autism/depression/low energy), but he manages to hold down a job. My thinking is if he gets a more demanding, high earning job then that money can be used to hire more help/outsourcing.

It’s a very difficult problem with almost no solution.

I’ve heard some have success with eckhart Tolle and the Power of Now for this kind of thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you clean up after your spouse all the time and it doesn’t bother you, can you share your mindset? Why doesn’t it bother you? Is there something your spouse offers in return that you feel makes it ok?

We don’t care, whoever is better and faster at some chore, takes care of it and other person goes after what they are more efficient at. It’s a partnership, we don’t keep scores. If I’m busy or feeling lazy, he does more and vice versa.

[Anonymous]

I’m OCD so I take care of cleaning because it matters more to me and I’m a pro at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do have periods where I’m absolutely consumed with rage over it and take steps towards divorce. Then the rage sometimes will pass for a period (days/weeks/months even) and I just try not to think about it and zone out listening to a podcast while I clean.

The reality is I have tried all the solutions offered by this site:

1. Hire someone to do it! (We can’t afford a daily housekeeper and biweekly cleaners don’t solve the problem of dishes/laundry/trash/sweeping)

2. Lower your standards! (DH grew up in a hoarding household and has zero problem with filth, so there will never reach a point at which he will see the messes)

3. Talk to him about it!/therapy (we’ve done that. They have you make a chore chart. Even when I have literally just told DH to choose only 1-2 things he can handle, he still doesn’t do them consistently or effectively. He says he will, he might for a day or a week. He always reverts back).

4. Divorce (I’ve got young kids. I don’t want them living in filth)

5. Time machine (every thread finds a way to blame the DH’s bad behavior on the wife-like IF ONLY you had made better choices then none of this would have happened. Except-none of it matters when you’re a decade into it and have kids together).

My current project is trying to find DH the highest paying job possible. He must have some kind of diagnosis but there’s nothing official (ADHD/autism/depression/low energy), but he manages to hold down a job. My thinking is if he gets a more demanding, high earning job then that money can be used to hire more help/outsourcing.

It’s a very difficult problem with almost no solution.

I’ve heard some have success with eckhart Tolle and the Power of Now for this kind of thing.

I'm totally with you and I've put up with it for 25 years. How? It used to be in unhealthy ways - spending $$ on myself, cheating. Now I just accept what I can and for the rest, I do the minimum and wait for my cleaners' next visit. It is really, really difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do have periods where I’m absolutely consumed with rage over it and take steps towards divorce. Then the rage sometimes will pass for a period (days/weeks/months even) and I just try not to think about it and zone out listening to a podcast while I clean.

The reality is I have tried all the solutions offered by this site:

1. Hire someone to do it! (We can’t afford a daily housekeeper and biweekly cleaners don’t solve the problem of dishes/laundry/trash/sweeping)

2. Lower your standards! (DH grew up in a hoarding household and has zero problem with filth, so there will never reach a point at which he will see the messes)

3. Talk to him about it!/therapy (we’ve done that. They have you make a chore chart. Even when I have literally just told DH to choose only 1-2 things he can handle, he still doesn’t do them consistently or effectively. He says he will, he might for a day or a week. He always reverts back).

4. Divorce (I’ve got young kids. I don’t want them living in filth)

5. Time machine (every thread finds a way to blame the DH’s bad behavior on the wife-like IF ONLY you had made better choices then none of this would have happened. Except-none of it matters when you’re a decade into it and have kids together).

My current project is trying to find DH the highest paying job possible. He must have some kind of diagnosis but there’s nothing official (ADHD/autism/depression/low energy), but he manages to hold down a job. My thinking is if he gets a more demanding, high earning job then that money can be used to hire more help/outsourcing.

It’s a very difficult problem with almost no solution.

I’ve heard some have success with eckhart Tolle and the Power of Now for this kind of thing.

Same here! It’s still bad, I need him to travel more, like three weeks a month. Less mess and mishaps then and even the children don’t act up as much.

[Anonymous]

Don’t do it.

I used to do that in the early part of my marriage. It’s only get worse.

I recommend that you stop. Set a hard clear boundary and follow through.

[Anonymous]

Yes, about 95% of the time I clean up his dishes, any receipts/junk he left in a pile on the side table, etc. It doesn't bother me. We are a team. Neither of us believes in keeping score and we try to take care of the tasks the other dreads. He doesn't give me grief that he wakes up earlier to walk and feed our dog...he knows I'm not a morning person and this is one of many small acts of kindness he does for me.