s/o Do you punish your child by canceling playdates

[Anonymous]

Someone mentioned this in another thread and I'm curious - would you cancel a playdate as a punishment to your child? Like if Sam is acting really bad and awful in the morning, would you tell him "you are not going to see Henry this afternoon if you keep acting up." and then actually follow through with that?








I would not. I think it's mean to punish another child for something my kid did, and canceling the playdate is going to disappoint someone else, not just my kid.

[Anonymous]

I don't usually because I think it's unfair to the other child, and will make the other family less inclined to make plans with me. But if my child was behaving so badly that I thought the playdate would be unpleasant for everyone, then there's little point in going forward with it.

[Anonymous]

Nope. It might be a natural consequence, in that it might not be possible to go because her behavior is, at the moment, unsafe or otherwise totally unacceptable, but it's not a punishment for past behavior. It's not fair to punish the other kid, and frankly, delayed consequences are pretty useless with little kids.

[Anonymous]

No because that punishes the other kid too.

[Anonymous]

I don't cancel playdates because I feel like that harms the other child too.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not. It’s so unfair to the other kid. It’s also probably not going to improve my own kid’s behavior. Punishment generally isn’t particularly effective at controlling behavior.

Now, if I had concerns about my kid’s ability to act safely on the play date, that would be one thing, and I would be explicit with the other parent about that. But that’s a pretty extreme situation, I think.

[Anonymous]

No! My best friend used to do this: she would call me right before a planned playdate between our two kids and say her child had been misbehaving and would not come. Not until I explained that this was punishing my child too, did she relent a bit. I was surprised she did this, because usually she's so considerate of other people's feelings.

[Anonymous]

If we’re talking about very young children, then totally no. I honestly think that’s too big of a punishment for anything a young child could do. Plus, often the best cure for young kids “bad behavior” is getting out of the house, playing outside, etc.

[Anonymous]

No. That punishes the other kid AND myself as well. Plus the reason my kid is acting out probably has something to do with being stuck at home and bored. What he really needs is some exercise.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes, because if their behavior is so bad that it requires discipline, then I probably can't trust them to behave properly. But that's a same-day situation (which I know is worse for the other kid, but things happen). I wouldn't say on Thursday "if you don't empty the trash then i'm canceling next wednesday's playdate." That's just ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

No this is dumb for a bunch of reasons even beyond the fact that it punishes the other kid for no reason.

1. If the playdate has nothing to do with whatever your kid did wrong, it's unlikely to correct future behavior because it's such a random punishment. They won't remember next time "oh, I shouldn't mess with the papers on mom's desk or I might not be able to see Larlo on Saturday." Kids brains don't work that way. Most adult's brains don't either. It's too attenuated.

2. It punishes ME. Now not only are they already doing something I don't like, they are going to mope about missing out on this playdate for who knows how long, and then we'll have to find something else to do during the time the playdate was supposed to happen. Why would I do that to myself?

3. Playdates have inherent value beyond my kid's enjoyment of them. They force him to deal with other people and work on social skills, patience, sharing, etc. They usually involve physical activity, which he needs. They help build longterm friendships, so he can better understand how to maintain a relationship. If I take it away, not only does he not have fun with his friend, he also doesn't get any of that other stuff that will help him be a better person now and as he gets older. Again, this is like punishing myself for my kid's bad behavior. Why?

When my kid acts poorly, I mostly just talk to him about it, discuss ways he could have handled it better, and sometimes we implement a plan for improving that behavior in the future. Most punishment just winds up being more work for me and to have a negative impact on family life. Most of parenting is figuring out how to help your kids when they fail, whether its helping them learn to read or clean up after themselves or be a good friend or eat better or whatever. I'm a facilitator, not a prison guard.

[Anonymous]

Never, ever, ever

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someone mentioned this in another thread and I'm curious - would you cancel a playdate as a punishment to your child? Like if Sam is acting really bad and awful in the morning, would you tell him "you are not going to see Henry this afternoon if you keep acting up." and then actually follow through with that?








I would not. I think it's mean to punish another child for something my kid did, and canceling the playdate is going to disappoint someone else, not just my kid.

Not on the timeline you're suggesting (punished later for bad behavior earlier in the day), but it can absolutely be a natural consequence of a kid's terrible behavior that they get to miss out on a thing they were looking forward to doing, including going to the park with Henry. It's never happened to us yet but I'm not going to draw a line around disciplining my kid that says "I/Henry/Henry's mom can never be inconvenienced". If it has to happen it has to happen.

And if Henry has to cancel on us for the same reason, more power to Henry's mom.

[Anonymous]

No, and I think it’s sucks when other people do it.

I’ve also had people use my children’s parties for this. My son’s classmate listed maybe on the invite and flipped to yes the day of. Turns out she was using it as a carrot for his behavior. And then the whole family of 4 showed up. I’ve also had a friend bring her daughter (along with invited siblings) to the party but she couldn’t participate as punishment. Um, hello? I’m still paying the facility for you to punish your child here.

[Anonymous]

My parents did this all the time. And over time, friends' parents would just stop making playdates with me because they knew it was too high a chance it would get cancelled. I wasn't even that "bad" of a kid--my parents would just punish for even the slightest infraction.