Reply to s/o Do you punish your child by canceling playdates

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[quote=Anonymous]No this is dumb for a bunch of reasons even beyond the fact that it punishes the other kid for no reason.

1. If the playdate has nothing to do with whatever your kid did wrong, it's unlikely to correct future behavior because it's such a random punishment. They won't remember next time "oh, I shouldn't mess with the papers on mom's desk or I might not be able to see Larlo on Saturday." Kids brains don't work that way. Most adult's brains don't either. It's too attenuated.

2. It punishes ME. Now not only are they already doing something I don't like, they are going to mope about missing out on this playdate for who knows how long, and then we'll have to find something else to do during the time the playdate was supposed to happen. Why would I do that to myself?

3. Playdates have inherent value beyond my kid's enjoyment of them. They force him to deal with other people and work on social skills, patience, sharing, etc. They usually involve physical activity, which he needs. They help build longterm friendships, so he can better understand how to maintain a relationship. If I take it away, not only does he not have fun with his friend, he also doesn't get any of that other stuff that will help him be a better person now and as he gets older. Again, this is like punishing myself for my kid's bad behavior. Why?

When my kid acts poorly, I mostly just talk to him about it, discuss ways he could have handled it better, and sometimes we implement a plan for improving that behavior in the future. Most punishment just winds up being more work for me and to have a negative impact on family life. Most of parenting is figuring out how to help your kids when they fail, whether its helping them learn to read or clean up after themselves or be a good friend or eat better or whatever. I'm a facilitator, not a prison guard.[/quote]

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