s/o Do you punish your child by canceling playdates

[Anonymous]

Only if I think my kid is so out of sorts that the playdate won't go well. I don't want to set her up to fail socially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only if I think my kid is so out of sorts that the playdate won't go well. I don't want to set her up to fail socially.

For example I did pull the plug on a couple the first month of kindergarten. My kid was so exhausted from the school week that she was melting down on weekends too. She wasn't emotionally equipped to play with another kid at that time.

[Anonymous]

I did that once when child was 5. She is now 11. She hit her little sister for the 2nd time that day. I had given her a warning after the first time. She wasn't going to understand otherwise, so i left her home with Dad and went to playdate with other DD.

It didn't happen again.

[Anonymous]

No, not as a punishment. But if necessary as a natural consequence, i.e. we have to put clothes and shoes on to get in the car and meet the friend and my child can't do it, then yes. That's never actually happened to us, but I certainly would if that scenario came up. But I wouldn't cancel and afternoon playdate over a morning infraction.

[Anonymous]

The only time I have ever threatened it (and meant it) was when my twins were at each other's throats and they were supposed to go to a friend's house for a playdate. I told them if they couldn't mend things between them they wouldn't go and I was serious because I was worried that they'd injure each other at someone else's house. (They normally get along pretty well with the occasional spat but this was something else).

Otherwise I think it's unfair to the other kid. Having had it done to my kids, it really sucks.

[Anonymous]

Never. I’ve had this done to me and unfriended people (after the 2nd or 3rd time).

Once we had plans to do a day trip with someone: a friend of mine and their child, a friend of my sons, and she canceled that morning because her son was misbehaving. My son cried and cried. We still went, but it sucked.

Don’t do this. Ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't usually because I think it's unfair to the other child, and will make the other family less inclined to make plans with me. But if my child was behaving so badly that I thought the playdate would be unpleasant for everyone, then there's little point in going forward with it.

Yep.

It really irritated me when I had to deal with my sad kid when someone did this.

He's in 4th grade now so he can more readily understand the situation now days. But I've still never cancelled a play date as a punishment to him.

[Anonymous]

How in the world does this punish the other child? What a weird take on it. Sounds like you just don't want to deal with teaching your kid consequences.

[Anonymous]

If the child is being violent and/or verbally abusive and we're supposed to leave in the next 30 minutes? Yep, I am texting while moving the child to their room so we can cuddle and try to calm down.

If the child is being "naughty" and behaving in a way that says they need movement and stimulation? Nope, we're leaving sooner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How in the world does this punish the other child? What a weird take on it. Sounds like you just don't want to deal with teaching your kid consequences.

Because the other kid is looking forward to playing, and now they can't, even though they didn't do anything wrong. Plus, it's annoying to the other parent, who blocked out the time because you made plans.

There are many other consequences in the world, and they are often more immediate and effective than cancelling a future playdate.

[Anonymous]

Nope! I want my kids to have friendships and it wouldn’t be fair to the other kid.

It’s not always possible to have a perfectly natural consequence, but unless your kid has been a jerk to another kid, I don’t think taking away social interaction is natural at all. I take away screens and allowance and make the kids have uncomfortable conversations with me.

[Anonymous]

Someone did this to my kid. The mom asked for the playdate and set it up. My (6 year old) child was very excited. An hour before we were supposed to meet, the mom texts me to cancel because her kid didn’t do xyz and his consequence was forfeiting the playdate. My child was so sad, and honestly I didn’t even know what to say. I didn’t want to say their friend was “punished“ for being naughty, but I didn’t know how to explain it had nothing to do with my kid, either. So I just made up an excuse about how something came up but their friend was so bummed to miss the playdate! Honestly it made me never want to hang out again.

[Anonymous]

No, and I think it's wrong. On the other hand, if my kid were having a meltdown and unlikely to be functional in a playdate, I would definitely cancel it the day-of and say my kid was really out-of-sorts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someone did this to my kid. The mom asked for the playdate and set it up. My (6 year old) child was very excited. An hour before we were supposed to meet, the mom texts me to cancel because her kid didn’t do xyz and his consequence was forfeiting the playdate. My child was so sad, and honestly I didn’t even know what to say. I didn’t want to say their friend was “punished“ for being naughty, but I didn’t know how to explain it had nothing to do with my kid, either. So I just made up an excuse about how something came up but their friend was so bummed to miss the playdate! Honestly it made me never want to hang out again.

+1 It really can impact other kids. My kid has high-functioning autism and has a lot of trouble with flexibility and transitions. When I have prepared him for a playdate that is supposed to happen and that he's excited about, he doesn't understand and is really let down when the other kid doesn't come. If someone got sick or something came up as an emergency, I get it, but this is just not fair to the other people involved.

[Anonymous]

I would if it looked like the bad behavior would carry into playtime. That’s mainly because my kid only displays that kind of behavior when they’re cooking something health-wise and I’m hypervigilant in that department these days.