Very critical and judgmental female friends and family members
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Anonymous
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Why are some women like this? Very critical, intolerant of other women who make different personal choices (especially re: kids and relationships, but also trivial stuff like home decor or hairstyles).
I am singling out women not because I dislike women (I am one) but because I don’t know men like this. I know men who are jerks, but I don’t really know any who are critical in this way. And I feel like a man who was critical and judgmental of women the way some women are of each other would be rightfully called out on it for being rude and maybe even misogynist (because it’s holding women to impossible standards men never get held to). My mom and sister are both like this. I think as an adult, I used to gravitate towards women like this because of my mom/sister, because even though it’s miserable, it was familiar. But once I realized how toxic it is, I really value people who are NOT like this. But it also makes me realize how common it is. So my question is: why? What causes certain women to be so intensely critical of other women’s choices, even ones that don’t matter to anyone but the person making them? I also know women who are very critical of even emotional reactions (“I just didn’t like the way she reacted to the situation”), like there is nothing beyond the reach of judgment. Whyyyyy? It is so harmful to people and bad for relationships. Please, if you do this: why? |
Anonymous
| This is also my mom and sister. It’s insecurity. It’s exhausting and anxiety inducing, really. |
Anonymous
Yes to anxiety-inducing. It took me a long time to figure out that a lot if my anxiety issues stemmed from being constantly “corrected” by my mom growing up. And interestingly, that anxiety gets spiked now when I encounter this kind of criticism, even if it’s not directed at me. This is why I find gossip really stressful. Hearing criticism that feels like it should be none of the criticizes business just makes me feel like nothing I do is ever good enough, and no matter how hard I try, the people around me won’t be satisfied. It’s a very isolating feeling. |
Anonymous
| Go to therapy to work your issues out. Men gossip all the time about other men. |
Anonymous
| Because so many women close their minds and stop being interesting after age 25. After they get married and have kids, they just want to protect their little domains, and they look down on anyone who lives their lives differently. |
Anonymous
Really, we don’t. |
Anonymous
No they don't, they actually are hard pressed to even remember each other. |
Anonymous
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Women need other women to be like them to validate their own choices. If you make choices different than their own they will criticize it so you either change or feel bad about who you are to make themselves feel better.
Your mom/sister are toxic. You need therapy to understand you can build a life without your immediate family, one with people that love and supports you. I'm not telling you to cut off you family 100% but you can put them in a box and only open it when necessary. |
Anonymous
| None of the women I am close with either personally or professionally act like this. Of course, it exists, but you really can surround yourself with other people and have a full life. |
Anonymous
Uh, yeah men do. I had a guy tell me I was carbo loading. Guys comment on my workouts and fitness all the time. I think the judgment is just different. I agree it also comes from insecurity. |
Anonymous
I don’t think you understand the meaning of the word judgement. |
Anonymous
Basically this. It’s all about their family and their image and everybody else’s head goes on a pike. |
Anonymous
This. Of course I have known a few women like OP describes, but a very small minority. Unfortunately for OP her view is twisted because she was raised by these people. So to her it normal and she most likely subconsciously gravitates to people who are like this because it is familiar to her. I suggest therapy. |
Anonymous
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My mother is like this, as are her sisters. They are just negative and critical in general, and I ascribe it to a neglectful childhood, where their parents doted on their one and only son, and left their daughters out. I crossed the Atlantic at 19 because I couldn't deal with my mother and her side of the family. I have consciously surrounded myself with positive and more tolerant people. My husband is very positive and optimistic, and most of my friends, while usually of the same anxious type I am, look on the bright side and are tolerant of many lifestyles. |
Anonymous
This is harsh and I don’t entirely agree with it, but if there’s any kernel of truth here, I think it’s evolutionary. We’re all essentially mama polar bears teaching our cubs to survive in the wild. Society doesn’t always look kindly on people who go against the grain, and moms are disproportionately blamed for everything “wrong” with the their children, particularly if they’re girls. So when they’re overly critical, they might be attempting to smooth a path before their kid, but also protecting their own image. And it become a vicious cycle, generation after generation. |