Transgender pronouns when reminiscing of time before transition

[Anonymous]

Recently learned a friends DC has come out as transgender. Obviously I will gladly use his new name and preferred pronouns (he,him). As I understand it, he’s always been a male —transitioning didn’t make him a man but rather is allowing him to live outwardly as he’s always been inside. If a memory comes up of something that happened before he came out, I’m inclined to use his male name/pronouns but am wondering if that’s the accepted practice. Does that disrespect what he’s gone through

[Anonymous]

My kids tell me, the answer is yes. You have to use the new name and new pronouns for old memories.

I sometimes play it safe and default to "they"

[Anonymous]

I noticed the current Jeopardy champion who is transgender used they/them when recounting a story of something her mother said about her in her childhood.

[Anonymous]

Normally you would use the current pronouns although most trans people are more than understanding when people slip up.

[Anonymous]

Current pronouns.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you're supposed to use the correct pronouns. That said I also find this so hard. One of my oldest friends transitioned. We have lots of cherished memories and hilarious stories that we have told dozens of times. I find myself getting a bit tongue-tied trying to tell them now.

[Anonymous]

Yeah current pronouns in the preferred choice for most trans people. Maybe you'll encounter someone with a different preference, but I'd expect them to let you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids tell me, the answer is yes. You have to use the new name and new pronouns for old memories.

I sometimes play it safe and default to "they"

“They” is not an appropriate way to refer to someone who identifies as a specific gender. It is offensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids tell me, the answer is yes. You have to use the new name and new pronouns for old memories.

I sometimes play it safe and default to "they"

“They” is not an appropriate way to refer to someone who identifies as a specific gender. It is offensive.

I was going to ask this. Isn’t “they/them” a specific nonbinary title who don’t gender themselves as either male or female? If it’s not appropriate to misgender someone who identifies as “she” as “he”, then it’s also not appropriate to refer to someone who identifies as “she” as “they”.

[Anonymous]

My college kids refer to the original name as the "dead name". Make me think the current preference would be used 100% of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids tell me, the answer is yes. You have to use the new name and new pronouns for old memories.

I sometimes play it safe and default to "they"

“They” is not an appropriate way to refer to someone who identifies as a specific gender. It is offensive.

I was going to ask this. Isn’t “they/them” a specific nonbinary title who don’t gender themselves as either male or female? If it’s not appropriate to misgender someone who identifies as “she” as “he”, then it’s also not appropriate to refer to someone who identifies as “she” as “they”.

Yup, “they” is for nonbinary people, or general use when you don’t know someone’s gender. It’s not offensive if you’re not sure, but there is unfortunately definitely a thing where people deliberately refuse to gender trans women and trans men— mostly trans women— by using “they” instead of “she.” Kind of a passive aggressive “I acknowledge that you want to identify differently but will never use the terms you want me to because I don’t respect you,” misgendering. It doesn’t sound like PP is doing this at all but may want to be aware that what she’s trying to use to play it safe can also be used to be purposely hurtful.

[Anonymous]

My daughter goes by she/they pronouns, as do almost all of her friends. I asked her why, as she does very typical teen girl things (think hair, prom dress shopping, nails and jewelry. No mistake outwardly she is a girl). She said she doesn’t want to be labeled. I’m fine with that answer, and I kind of like it. My friend says that she/they is code for lesbian. Any thoughts on that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter goes by she/they pronouns, as do almost all of her friends. I asked her why, as she does very typical teen girl things (think hair, prom dress shopping, nails and jewelry. No mistake outwardly she is a girl). She said she doesn’t want to be labeled. I’m fine with that answer, and I kind of like it. My friend says that she/they is code for lesbian. Any thoughts on that?

I think your friend is an idiot. People who use they/them or other gender nonconforming pronouns might also be more attracted to varied genders than someone who rigidly insists he/she are the only acceptable pronouns, but that's likely because they're openly accepting and supportive of the LGBTQ community. Correlation rather than causation. Also, a girl who dates a girl isn't necessarily a lesbian, so just knowing someone who goes by they dated a girl at some point doesn't prove your friend's point. I'd also like to take a moment to once again point out that gender and sexuality are different, so one's pronouns do not determine who they are attracted to. Also, while I'm on a tangent, I'll also point out that someone who is in a monogamous relationship with someone can still be bi/pan/other. When a bisexual woman marries a man, it doesn't mean she stops being attracted to women, it means she committed to one person so she doesn't act on those attractions to other people (sort of like how heterosexual women can still be attracted to guys even when they get married to a man).

[Anonymous]

LOL she probably is an idiot. Thank you for your input.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you're supposed to use the correct pronouns. That said I also find this so hard. One of my oldest friends transitioned. We have lots of cherished memories and hilarious stories that we have told dozens of times. I find myself getting a bit tongue-tied trying to tell them now.

This is interesting. My kid's name is Sophia, and around 10 years ago she started going by Sophie.

I call her Sophie (and just now, when trying to type "Sophia" I typed "Sophie" and had to correct it) and have called her Sophie for that last ten years.

But whenever I'm relaying a story about her, if it's one that is from before the name change, I say "Sophia" and it's really hard to say "Sophie." I think the name is locked in with the memory somehow.

So I can see why this would be hard for pronouns, too, when referring to before a transition.

I'm also old enough to remember a lot about Caitlyn Jenner when she was Bruce. Like, the Olympics, the Wheaties, the car accident...the car accident happened in our area, so it comes up periodically (we drive that road). I've noticed that it's hard for me to speak of her as "her" when discussing that accident, and I slip up and say "Bruce" etc. So I think it's something to do with how our brains work with memories.