MIL and vacationing together

[Anonymous]

At least 2-3 times a year we get MIL daydreaming about trips we could take together. Last year we planned a Disney vacation with them. Last time we spoke about it she says oh well FIL and I want to go on an anniversary trip and can't afford both. I don't know if she was looking for us to pay for the whole trip, but regardless she "officially" canceled on us when we made reservations a year in advance.

Do I just say, wonderful we can have the trip we want?

Despite being driving distance and us having small kids that hate the car, they haven't come to see us for a year at this point and we've driven to them 3 times. The excuse is always the same - their dog. I feel like it's a weird power move to get us to host their dog that they refuse to board or leave at BILs house. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Personally yes, when we vacation with our parents, we do pay for them. This certainly depends on your family’s finances of course.

As for the visits, if they aren’t reciprocated, I would slow down the visits to them. Don’t host the dog. I have two - love dogs - that’s ridiculous and what dog sitters and boarding is for.

[Anonymous]

As a dog-owner, no to hosting dogs. I've only offered for emergency situations.

And if she cancels on important trips, then don't include her in your plans. She likely doesn't understand that some trips need to be booked very far in advance. You can just add her to casual trips where one or two last-minute extra people won't change much. I've picked AirBnBs with that in mind, when my parents weren't sure whether to join us or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally yes, when we vacation with our parents, we do pay for them. This certainly depends on your family’s finances of course.

As for the visits, if they aren’t reciprocated, I would slow down the visits to them. Don’t host the dog. I have two - love dogs - that’s ridiculous and what dog sitters and boarding is for.

We were going to pay for their flights, but hadn't yet made ours. She canceled before we could even offer. I agree with you, they go on multiple vacations a year and yet it feels personal that they cancel their trip with us and I'm betting they plan some other trip instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally yes, when we vacation with our parents, we do pay for them. This certainly depends on your family’s finances of course.

As for the visits, if they aren’t reciprocated, I would slow down the visits to them. Don’t host the dog. I have two - love dogs - that’s ridiculous and what dog sitters and boarding is for.

We were going to pay for their flights, but hadn't yet made ours. She canceled before we could even offer. I agree with you, they go on multiple vacations a year and yet it feels personal that they cancel their trip with us and I'm betting they plan some other trip instead.

If you want her to attend, make clear at the time you discuss Disney that you will pay for her flights, if you are willing to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally yes, when we vacation with our parents, we do pay for them. This certainly depends on your family’s finances of course.

As for the visits, if they aren’t reciprocated, I would slow down the visits to them. Don’t host the dog. I have two - love dogs - that’s ridiculous and what dog sitters and boarding is for.

We were going to pay for their flights, but hadn't yet made ours. She canceled before we could even offer. I agree with you, they go on multiple vacations a year and yet it feels personal that they cancel their trip with us and I'm betting they plan some other trip instead.

If you want her to attend, make clear at the time you discuss Disney that you will pay for her flights, if you are willing to do so.

At the time we booked there was no mention of money and we assumed we were all paying for ourselves. We even got them into the heavily discounted Disney hotel that only we can get reservations at. She only brought up money the last time we spoke about it 6 months after the reservations were made.

[Anonymous]

“Host their dog” 🤣
Ok who is doing the power move?

[Anonymous]

When we travel with my parents they pay. We're well off but my parents are even more well off and are happy to pay.

[Anonymous]

Go only as often as you want to go. Visit without expectation of reciprocation.
Offer what you are willing to pay for when you plan the trip. If she cancels, do something else without her. You don’t seem particularly disappointed, so what difference does it make?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At least 2-3 times a year we get MIL daydreaming about trips we could take together. Last year we planned a Disney vacation with them. Last time we spoke about it she says oh well FIL and I want to go on an anniversary trip and can't afford both. I don't know if she was looking for us to pay for the whole trip, but regardless she "officially" canceled on us when we made reservations a year in advance.

Do I just say, wonderful we can have the trip we want?

Despite being driving distance and us having small kids that hate the car, they haven't come to see us for a year at this point and we've driven to them 3 times. The excuse is always the same - their dog. I feel like it's a weird power move to get us to host their dog that they refuse to board or leave at BILs house. Thoughts?

np I would take the trip you want and let them know! Have fun and no guilt. Quick question about the dog. Does he/she not like children? Are your kids afraid? How well behaved is the dog ( or not) Why wouldn't you want the dog? Just curious. If you don't want to visit as much let your dh take the kids to his parents. You can make the trip once. That could be a good compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At least 2-3 times a year we get MIL daydreaming about trips we could take together. Last year we planned a Disney vacation with them. Last time we spoke about it she says oh well FIL and I want to go on an anniversary trip and can't afford both. I don't know if she was looking for us to pay for the whole trip, but regardless she "officially" canceled on us when we made reservations a year in advance.

Do I just say, wonderful we can have the trip we want?

Despite being driving distance and us having small kids that hate the car, they haven't come to see us for a year at this point and we've driven to them 3 times. The excuse is always the same - their dog. I feel like it's a weird power move to get us to host their dog that they refuse to board or leave at BILs house. Thoughts?

np I would take the trip you want and let them know! Have fun and no guilt. Quick question about the dog. Does he/she not like children? Are your kids afraid? How well behaved is the dog ( or not) Why wouldn't you want the dog? Just curious. If you don't want to visit as much let your dh take the kids to his parents. You can make the trip once. That could be a good compromise.

Dog is not well behaved, new puppy, even with training the dog runs like crazy, sleeps in beds, sits on furniture because my MIL allows it. We live in a small townhouse with virtually no yard so it isn't puppy with energy friendly. Plus we have dog allergies in the family.

We do the trips together. My DH has no interest is going more or without me. It's just frustrating that they are retired and won't spend more time with us even if the stay is free because of their new dog (FIL didn't want said dog).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go only as often as you want to go. Visit without expectation of reciprocation.
Offer what you are willing to pay for when you plan the trip. If she cancels, do something else without her. You don’t seem particularly disappointed, so what difference does it make?

I am disappointed - it's basically a repeated move by her at this point. She's canceled several trips both free and paid.

I'm thinking about inviting my parents but not sure that the physicality of Disney is good for them at this point. My husband is happy we are going alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go only as often as you want to go. Visit without expectation of reciprocation.
Offer what you are willing to pay for when you plan the trip. If she cancels, do something else without her. You don’t seem particularly disappointed, so what difference does it make?

I am disappointed - it's basically a repeated move by her at this point. She's canceled several trips both free and paid.

I'm thinking about inviting my parents but not sure that the physicality of Disney is good for them at this point. My husband is happy we are going alone.

Going forward, I'd only inform her about trips once they're a done deal and you're leaving in a few days' time or something. Why are you oversharing your vacation plans with her in advance and causing MIL to fantasize about accompanying your family? It seems weird, given how you don't seem to care for the woman and your husband is pretty lukewarm on her at best.

Just dial down the visits, the expectations, and the disappointments. You'll probably be a tiny bit happier.

[Anonymous]

You offered, she declined because of the expense or the dog or Disney. I wouldn’t invite her again. Maybe she likes to talk out loud, but has no intention of following through. I am old enough to have grandchildren and the thought of traipsing thru Disney makes me want to stick pins in my eyes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You offered, she declined because of the expense or the dog or Disney. I wouldn’t invite her again. Maybe she likes to talk out loud, but has no intention of following through. I am old enough to have grandchildren and the thought of traipsing thru Disney makes me want to stick pins in my eyes.

Same! Grandparent of 3 here. I can't imagine anything worse.