Dh's judgmental family
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Anonymous
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A little background on my DH's family:
- Dad married 3 times, now to a wife several decades younger, had all kids and got married because of pregnancies (out of wedlock), got married in a small wedding with friends and didn't invite his own kids to the most recent one - Mom married 2 times, only to DH's dad for 2 years, in and out of rehab for 25 years while raising young kids, would leave kids for up to 6months at a time to be with boyfriends from middle to high school, sober when kids were 25. Married his dad because she was pregnant (he was her boss). She also opened up about infidelity from both herself and DH's dad. We dated for 2.5 years, got engaged at age 30, had kids, have been married 10 years... Dad, step-mom and mom have all been extremely judgmental saying rude things to this day of the way we got married (rushing into things, they didn't know me enough despite us spending several weeks with them even though we are out of state, we eloped due to a serious family issue on my side). I just don't think they have a leg to stand to cast any judgement. To this day, I get the rude and disappproving comments about how we did things. I would love to call them out on it but my DH would freak out if I so much as questioned their own wedding or life experience. Am I crazy for keeping quiet when they say this stuff? Would you ever pipe up and be like "MIL, tell me more about your big wedding ?" I feel like a doormat when they say this stuff to me but have tried keeping the peace. At the time time, I'm beyond annoyed I even have to deal with this nonsense. |
Anonymous
Oh and to clarify, we dated 2.5 years, got engaged, got married, waited a year and had children. |
Anonymous
| Can you just ignore them and live your life? That's how I handle DH's judgmental family. Sometimes my MIL will compare my parenting to her messed up daughters, who is twice divorced with two different baby daddy's and living on food stamps, but she remembers to do elf on the shelf every night... A couple years ago I just decided to smile at the silly comments and spend as little time and effort with them as possible. |
Anonymous
| Just sarcastically tell them they are soooo right, and how kind they are to mention it, and how much you appreciate their helpful comments on the matter. And then change the subject to something more important going on in the present. Sometimes agreeing with people shuts them up, even if you know they're wrong. |
Anonymous
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Wow. I guess my husband proposing on the second date, when I was 19, would give them a heart attack. I would refuse to spend much time with them, OP. Life is too short. |
Anonymous
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1. Who cares
2. Your DH is a problem, but ahem look at his examples |
Anonymous
| Why are you giving these people space in your life? Who cares what they say? Disengage. Find a reason not to be with them—You’re sick. COVID. Friend just called with an emergency. Whatever. |
Anonymous
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You’ll only be providing more fodder for their judgment and criticism if you do speak up or say anything negative to them. Do your best to ignore and avoid them as much as possible.
To MIL/FIL: “I can see how that would worry you, Larla/Larlo” Then change the subject. To your DH: “Oh honey, look at the time! We’d better get going!” |
Anonymous
| This is a husband problem. Your husband, to be specific. |
Anonymous
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Does your DH defend you/your relationship when they make these comments. I can understand him not wanting you to say mean things about his family (yes, even if they suck, people are understandably sensitive about their families because it feels like a personal attack). But I would not be okay with him just standing by as his family criticized you or your marriage.
My DH's family is a piece of work but they are absolutely not allowed to criticize me to him or to criticize our family as a unit. If they want to complain about choices we make that actually impact them (like complaining about us not visiting for Christmas) that's fine, even if I disagree with them. And they can even criticize things we do that don't impact them (the way we spend our money or raise our kids, for instance), but my DH steps up and defends us every single time. No way would he just sit there while they criticized how we got engaged or married, or my right to be part of the family. That is a bridge too far. So yes, I kind of agree this is a DH problem, if he's really not saying anything to them. I don't think being able to say "Whatever, you all are a mess" is really the issue. Even if you are right about it, that's not a productive way to handle this. But your DH needs to be on your side. If he isn't, you need to ask him why not. |
Anonymous
| Some people literally have no self-awareness. |
Anonymous
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They're criticizing you for dating for 2.5 years and getting engaged at age 30? Isn't this incredibly...normal? (At least I hope so - I'm 29 and plan to get engaged this year after dating BF for 2 years...and this seems like pretty normal timing in my circle).
These people sound like a mess, OP. I'd be super annoyed too but would just ignore. |
Anonymous
| I would not be a jerk to them. I'd just tell DH he needs to shut his parents down - this is on HIM to do. "Mom/Dad, you need to let it go. That happened over a decade ago. Time to move on." Then "If you don't stop bringing this up, it's going to make us not want to interact with you." |
Anonymous
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I would just have some quick replies and change the subject. I would start with 'Maybe next time we'll get it right huh". Then smile and change the subject.
Look they are simply projecting their crappy marriages onto you. It's over and done with and years ago. If they insist I would even go for "Your really hung up on that huh". Change the subject. Sometimes people like to push our buttons, they find that topic that irritates you and push push push. It's annoying. |
Anonymous
| "You're" not your. Sorry, typo. |