Dh's judgmental family

[Anonymous]

When they go low, you go high.

Likely they are projecting their insecurity about their situation on to you.

I would keep quiet, and ask husband to address this with them privately, later. But if you ferl you must say something, when they make a comment, you can say flatly (no anger or emotion, "why would you say something like that that?" and stare blankly. Just be quiet and wait for a response.

[Anonymous]

“We’ve been married to only each other, and for 10 years. The proof is in the pudding. What exactly are you taking issue with, the fact that we’ve been married for a decade, or the fact that we’re happy?”

[Anonymous]

Don’t go wrestling with pigs. You end up covered in mud, and the pig enjoys it.

[Anonymous]

Three choices:

1) ignore it entirely - like don't acknowledge that they said anything;
2) "What do you mean?" in a flat tone with a focused stare right at them - keep the silence until they respond or move on;
3) "I didn't ask for you opinion and at my age I don't need it, thanks."

[Anonymous]

Ignore it. I was angry with my MIL over comments early in our marriage. Now many years in, I feel bad for her. I view her as a woman who never had any self confidence and was always chasing men for the fairy tale she never found. Also multiple marriages, infidelity, ages decades apart in both directions, etc. she never had a relationship nearly as long as any of her kid’s relationships. So I keep my mouth shut and remember that when she makes her comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people literally have no self-awareness.

Yes, 100 percent agree. All they can see is how they want things, but have no recollection of their own choices or behavior.

I totally agree the issue is my husband and he just says they won’t get it, nothing we say will make them see the light and why do we care. I find the judgement infuriating though. I’ve talked to a counselor and they have told me he will always have a hard time standing up to his mom because she’s let him down so much in his life that when things are good he doesn’t want to shake the boat. He’s just happy she’s sober now. She was a hardcore, non functional alcoholic for his entire upbringing.

[Anonymous]

You must be leaving key parts of the story out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You must be leaving key parts of the story out.

No key parts. Just super unrealistic expectations of how well they would get to know the fiancé and wife of their son in his 30’s who lives across the country. Mind you, they don’t put in the effort to visit us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You must be leaving key parts of the story out.

No key parts. Just super unrealistic expectations of how well they would get to know the fiancé and wife of their son in his 30’s who lives across the country. Mind you, they don’t put in the effort to visit us.

If they live cross country and don't visit, what's really the problem here? Are they constantly calling or emailing you to harass you for not knowing their son better 12 years ago? Whaaaat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You must be leaving key parts of the story out.

No key parts. Just super unrealistic expectations of how well they would get to know the fiancé and wife of their son in his 30’s who lives across the country. Mind you, they don’t put in the effort to visit us.

If they live cross country and don't visit, what's really the problem here? Are they constantly calling or emailing you to harass you for not knowing their son better 12 years ago? Whaaaat?

OP is a drama llama.

[Anonymous]

What does your DH say about this? Does it bother him too? Does he think you're overreacting?

You'll never get the satisfaction you think you will by firing off a retort. People like this won't get the point and/or they'll view your remark as a green light to engage/argue further.

Is it possible that their comments aren't as judgmental as you think and they keep bringing it up because they have nothing else to talk with you about? It sounds like they don't see you often and don't know you very well. Maybe this is their weird way of trying to converse with you?

At the very least, you know their comments have no basis in reality and are totally hypocritical based on their own marriages, so just internally roll your eyes and have a nice little chuckle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your DH say about this? Does it bother him too? Does he think you're overreacting?

You'll never get the satisfaction you think you will by firing off a retort. People like this won't get the point and/or they'll view your remark as a green light to engage/argue further.

Is it possible that their comments aren't as judgmental as you think and they keep bringing it up because they have nothing else to talk with you about? It sounds like they don't see you often and don't know you very well. Maybe this is their weird way of trying to converse with you?

At the very least, you know their comments have no basis in reality and are totally hypocritical based on their own marriages, so just internally roll your eyes and have a nice little chuckle.

.

The mom is local and eats at our house once or twice a week so it’s not completely avoidable. I’m just tired of their bizarre expectations and comments on the way we live life. It doesn’t make me want to spend time with them, that’s for sure. I haven’t fired back because you’re right that it won’t make them stop and give them more to talk about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“We’ve been married to only each other, and for 10 years. The proof is in the pudding. What exactly are you taking issue with, the fact that we’ve been married for a decade, or the fact that we’re happy?”

This. Or you can just say nothing and talk to your kids about how they shouldn't make the bad choices their grandparents made, much like you and your dh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“We’ve been married to only each other, and for 10 years. The proof is in the pudding. What exactly are you taking issue with, the fact that we’ve been married for a decade, or the fact that we’re happy?”

This. Or you can just say nothing and talk to your kids about how they shouldn't make the bad choices their grandparents made, much like you and your dh.

Our kids are young so it’s not appropriate to say those kinds of things. We will have to talk about the addiction issues as they get older. I don’t want my kids to hate their grandparents and put up with it mostly because I want my kids to have the relationship and my DH as well... but still it’s so annoying mostly because of how hypocritical it is. I did say recently “MIL, you lived your life exactly how you wanted to and raised your kids the way you wanted to, we are doing the same and best we can with our kids, please just respect our choices and trust we are making thoughtful decisions when it comes to the family” and of course she cried, said I was disrespectful, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP, why would you expect rational behavior from irrational people? Rational behavior from troubled people?

This is on you -- that this comes as a shock