Husband not interested in date nights or spending time with me

[Anonymous]

Unless there’s alcohol or were watching a sport that doesn’t require speaking with me, he finds every excuse in the book to reject any ideas for things we can do together. Get a babysitter and go away for a night? No, that’s boring. Go on a double date? No, not interested. Or he’ll want to make it a kid-centric thing.

I’m in my mid40s and don’t think I can tolerate this fir the rest of my life. This has been going on for a few years. I know, we should try therapy but he s not one for that and if I have to drag him into to therapy to convince him to go to dinner with me, as far as I’m concerned we’re done. We have kids but I don’t want to be miserable missing out on a fulfilling relationship. Going to dinner and enjoying someone’s company should not be like climbing a mountain. Life is short. Thus us not easy to think about but it’s becoming very obvious. At times I do wonder if maybe we have little in common at this point.

[Anonymous]

Have you gained weight?

Has he gained weight/lost t?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless there’s alcohol or were watching a sport that doesn’t require speaking with me, he finds every excuse in the book to reject any ideas for things we can do together. Get a babysitter and go away for a night? No, that’s boring. Go on a double date? No, not interested. Or he’ll want to make it a kid-centric thing.

I’m in my mid40s and don’t think I can tolerate this fir the rest of my life. This has been going on for a few years. I know, we should try therapy but he s not one for that and if I have to drag him into to therapy to convince him to go to dinner with me, as far as I’m concerned we’re done. We have kids but I don’t want to be miserable missing out on a fulfilling relationship. Going to dinner and enjoying someone’s company should not be like climbing a mountain. Life is short. Thus us not easy to think about but it’s becoming very obvious. At times I do wonder if maybe we have little in common at this point.

Have you told him exactly what you said in your second paragraph? If not, you should.

[Anonymous]

If you haven't tried talking to him directly about your feelings, I would do that first. If you have and he's been dismissive, I would consider therapy for yourself to help you decide what you want to do next. You might want to leave. You might decide to stay, but build up more of a life for yourself without him. Or the therapist might help you think of new ways to connect with him.

[Anonymous]

Girl, start having date nights with friends. If he gives you a hard time about watching the kids hire a babysitter and go do your own thing. Dress up, look good, have fun, enjoy your life.

Do this for a few months and see how he reacts before you make any permanent decisions. There is a decent chance he reacts well to your positive energy and a reversal of neediness, which is, I’m sorry to say, unattractive. No promises, but you should start here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless there’s alcohol or were watching a sport that doesn’t require speaking with me, he finds every excuse in the book to reject any ideas for things we can do together. Get a babysitter and go away for a night? No, that’s boring. Go on a double date? No, not interested. Or he’ll want to make it a kid-centric thing.

I’m in my mid40s and don’t think I can tolerate this fir the rest of my life. This has been going on for a few years. I know, we should try therapy but he s not one for that and if I have to drag him into to therapy to convince him to go to dinner with me, as far as I’m concerned we’re done. We have kids but I don’t want to be miserable missing out on a fulfilling relationship. Going to dinner and enjoying someone’s company should not be like climbing a mountain. Life is short. Thus us not easy to think about but it’s becoming very obvious. At times I do wonder if maybe we have little in common at this point.

Have you told him exactly what you said in your second paragraph? If not, you should.

I’ve been working up to it. I’ve tried the diplomatic approach but it’s not working. Everything can’t just be about the kids. I’ve noticed over the last few years that he really doesn't have much interest in me as a person and that’s the root of the lack of interest in date nights.

FYI I haven’t gained weight or changed my appearance. In fact I think I’m probably at my best at this point and weigh less and take better care of myself than I did in my 30s.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP, that would make me sad too. My husband and I do date lunches on work days when the kids are at school and we really look forward to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless there’s alcohol or were watching a sport that doesn’t require speaking with me, he finds every excuse in the book to reject any ideas for things we can do together. Get a babysitter and go away for a night? No, that’s boring. Go on a double date? No, not interested. Or he’ll want to make it a kid-centric thing.

I’m in my mid40s and don’t think I can tolerate this fir the rest of my life. This has been going on for a few years. I know, we should try therapy but he s not one for that and if I have to drag him into to therapy to convince him to go to dinner with me, as far as I’m concerned we’re done. We have kids but I don’t want to be miserable missing out on a fulfilling relationship. Going to dinner and enjoying someone’s company should not be like climbing a mountain. Life is short. Thus us not easy to think about but it’s becoming very obvious. At times I do wonder if maybe we have little in common at this point.

Have you told him exactly what you said in your second paragraph? If not, you should.

I’ve been working up to it. I’ve tried the diplomatic approach but it’s not working. Everything can’t just be about the kids. I’ve noticed over the last few years that he really doesn't have much interest in me as a person and that’s the root of the lack of interest in date nights.

FYI I haven’t gained weight or changed my appearance. In fact I think I’m probably at my best at this point and weigh less and take better care of myself than I did in my 30s.

I would try individual therapy. A professional trained in interpersonal relationships can give you a good perspective in all this. I believe you are being diplomatic but maybe there are ways to approach it more effectively. And it might be good to get another read on things. If you’ve done all you can do, you’ve done all you can do and therapy could help nativate maintaining your sense of self worth through this.

[Anonymous]

How was it before marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How was it before marriage?

What did you do for date nightes before kids?

[Anonymous]

I'll bet your date nights don't end in sex unless he acts a certain way, and when your expectations are met you withhold -- its certainly your right to not have to have sex, but before dating a big part of men's behavior is geared towards that end result, and if you are too capricious or have higher standards or lower drive now it may not seem worth the effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll bet your date nights don't end in sex unless he acts a certain way, and when your expectations are met you withhold -- its certainly your right to not have to have sex, but before dating a big part of men's behavior is geared towards that end result, and if you are too capricious or have higher standards or lower drive now it may not seem worth the effort.

Unless he “gets” sex it might not be worth it to just spend a little time with his wife? JFC.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a similar spot, OP. My DH says he wants to do this stuff but then when push comes to shove he's always got reasons for why it can't happen. Couples therapy has been a similar issue -- he'll say he's on board but then he doesn't like the timing or he rejects every therapist I propose. I'm also mid-40s and the situation makes me feel sad and desperate. We have kids and I love our family dynamic but I just don't feel fulfilled in our relationship. It's making me feel resentful which is also killing our sex life, which I don't like and I think bothers him too. But he just doesn't seem willing to put in the effort.

This might sound cheesy but I recently found a phone app called Paired that I'm going to propose using with him. It's basically an app for people in relationships to help them connect by answering questions about each other and I think some other activities. The reason it appealed to me when a friend recommended is that one way we used to keep the attraction alive was via lots of texting throughout the day when we were both at work. Kids and covid have killed that because we both work from home plus I am so busy with the kids (I work PT and do a lot of childcare during the weekend) that I just don't look at my phone as much as I used to. But this is sort of the same spirit but a little more structured and maybe with some guidance?

Anyway, I'm going to try it out with him (he doesn't know this yet, lol). I think it will appeal to his inherent laziness and existing phone addiction. But if it helps us reconnect, I don't care. I just want to have a marriage that doesn't exist solely for our kids, much as I love them. I didn't marry him for the kids, I married him because I loved him and I want to keep that love alive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you gained weight?

Has he gained weight/lost t?

Is this enough to swing the whole dynamic? I have gained weight; he has lost weight, although both of us looked better before.

[Anonymous]

Did you ignore him for years when the kids were younger, and now wonder why he’s not interested?