Husband not interested in date nights or spending time with me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless there’s alcohol or were watching a sport that doesn’t require speaking with me, he finds every excuse in the book to reject any ideas for things we can do together. Get a babysitter and go away for a night? No, that’s boring. Go on a double date? No, not interested. Or he’ll want to make it a kid-centric thing.

I’m in my mid40s and don’t think I can tolerate this fir the rest of my life. This has been going on for a few years. I know, we should try therapy but he s not one for that and if I have to drag him into to therapy to convince him to go to dinner with me, as far as I’m concerned we’re done. We have kids but I don’t want to be miserable missing out on a fulfilling relationship. Going to dinner and enjoying someone’s company should not be like climbing a mountain. Life is short. Thus us not easy to think about but it’s becoming very obvious. At times I do wonder if maybe we have little in common at this point.

Have you told him exactly what you said in your second paragraph? If not, you should.

I’ve been working up to it. I’ve tried the diplomatic approach but it’s not working. Everything can’t just be about the kids. I’ve noticed over the last few years that he really doesn't have much interest in me as a person and that’s the root of the lack of interest in date nights.

FYI I haven’t gained weight or changed my appearance. In fact I think I’m probably at my best at this point and weigh less and take better care of myself than I did in my 30s.

I would try individual therapy. A professional trained in interpersonal relationships can give you a good perspective in all this. I believe you are being diplomatic but maybe there are ways to approach it more effectively. And it might be good to get another read on things. If you’ve done all you can do, you’ve done all you can do and therapy could help nativate maintaining your sense of self worth through this.

I don’t understand why diplomacy is still required. Be blunt “dude, it seems like you don’t even want to know me as a person anymore. I’m not going to live like this forever. We need to start spending 1:1 time together. If you don’t want to spend time with me, then we need to talk about why that is the case.” Women being wishy washy gets us nowhere.

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless there’s alcohol or were watching a sport that doesn’t require speaking with me, he finds every excuse in the book to reject any ideas for things we can do together. Get a babysitter and go away for a night? No, that’s boring. Go on a double date? No, not interested. Or he’ll want to make it a kid-centric thing.

I’m in my mid40s and don’t think I can tolerate this fir the rest of my life. This has been going on for a few years. I know, we should try therapy but he s not one for that and if I have to drag him into to therapy to convince him to go to dinner with me, as far as I’m concerned we’re done. We have kids but I don’t want to be miserable missing out on a fulfilling relationship. Going to dinner and enjoying someone’s company should not be like climbing a mountain. Life is short. Thus us not easy to think about but it’s becoming very obvious. At times I do wonder if maybe we have little in common at this point.

Have you told him exactly what you said in your second paragraph? If not, you should.

I’ve been working up to it. I’ve tried the diplomatic approach but it’s not working. Everything can’t just be about the kids. I’ve noticed over the last few years that he really doesn't have much interest in me as a person and that’s the root of the lack of interest in date nights.

FYI I haven’t gained weight or changed my appearance. In fact I think I’m probably at my best at this point and weigh less and take better care of myself than I did in my 30s.

I would try individual therapy. A professional trained in interpersonal relationships can give you a good perspective in all this. I believe you are being diplomatic but maybe there are ways to approach it more effectively. And it might be good to get another read on things. If you’ve done all you can do, you’ve done all you can do and therapy could help nativate maintaining your sense of self worth through this.

I don’t understand why diplomacy is still required. Be blunt “dude, it seems like you don’t even want to know me as a person anymore. I’m not going to live like this forever. We need to start spending 1:1 time together. If you don’t want to spend time with me, then we need to talk about why that is the case.” Women being wishy washy gets us nowhere.

She just needs to suck it up until the kids are older, then they can re-connect. It’s all about the kids now.

That’s what people here say when the husband complains about this exact same issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless there’s alcohol or were watching a sport that doesn’t require speaking with me, he finds every excuse in the book to reject any ideas for things we can do together. Get a babysitter and go away for a night? No, that’s boring. Go on a double date? No, not interested. Or he’ll want to make it a kid-centric thing.

I’m in my mid40s and don’t think I can tolerate this fir the rest of my life. This has been going on for a few years. I know, we should try therapy but he s not one for that and if I have to drag him into to therapy to convince him to go to dinner with me, as far as I’m concerned we’re done. We have kids but I don’t want to be miserable missing out on a fulfilling relationship. Going to dinner and enjoying someone’s company should not be like climbing a mountain. Life is short. Thus us not easy to think about but it’s becoming very obvious. At times I do wonder if maybe we have little in common at this point.

Have you told him exactly what you said in your second paragraph? If not, you should.

I’ve been working up to it. I’ve tried the diplomatic approach but it’s not working. Everything can’t just be about the kids. I’ve noticed over the last few years that he really doesn't have much interest in me as a person and that’s the root of the lack of interest in date nights.

FYI I haven’t gained weight or changed my appearance. In fact I think I’m probably at my best at this point and weigh less and take better care of myself than I did in my 30s.

I would try individual therapy. A professional trained in interpersonal relationships can give you a good perspective in all this. I believe you are being diplomatic but maybe there are ways to approach it more effectively. And it might be good to get another read on things. If you’ve done all you can do, you’ve done all you can do and therapy could help nativate maintaining your sense of self worth through this.

I don’t understand why diplomacy is still required. Be blunt “dude, it seems like you don’t even want to know me as a person anymore. I’m not going to live like this forever. We need to start spending 1:1 time together. If you don’t want to spend time with me, then we need to talk about why that is the case.” Women being wishy washy gets us nowhere.

This, exactly this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Girl, start having date nights with friends. If he gives you a hard time about watching the kids hire a babysitter and go do your own thing. Dress up, look good, have fun, enjoy your life.

Do this for a few months and see how he reacts before you make any permanent decisions. There is a decent chance he reacts well to your positive energy and a reversal of neediness, which is, I’m sorry to say, unattractive. No promises, but you should start here.

I’ve been pondering this as someone in a similar situation, albeit it is a bit more subtle. I think this poster has the best advice. Don’t discuss with him yet - try living your own best life for a year with no recriminations towards him, including hiring a babysitter if you go out. Have fun, be fun and see what happens. If nothing else you will reconnect with others in your life which will be satisfying and could come in handy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you haven't tried talking to him directly about your feelings, I would do that first. If you have and he's been dismissive, I would consider therapy for yourself to help you decide what you want to do next. You might want to leave. You might decide to stay, but build up more of a life for yourself without him. Or the therapist might help you think of new ways to connect with him.

This. I started therapy myself a few years ago, helped me get clear on what I needed and also realize I hadn’t been asking for it because of some of my own prior emotional history, got to a place where I was able to start these conversations productively, and our whole relationship has changed. Not saying it will happen for everyone, but I think therapy is a great idea to sort things out for yourself and then go from there.