If you had PPA, besides meds, what helped? What could family do?

[Anonymous]

A close relative of DH's, who I see pretty regularly, has a 6 month old and several older children. She has always been kinda self-centered and competitive about her kids, but those things were annoying. Now, they've escalated to the point that they're alarming and kind of ridiculous, and she's saying or doing things that are hurtful to other family members.

She's already on medication, and I think in therapy. She's has a fair amount of help, provided by family, with cooking and cleaning and childcare.

Are there other things to do?

Also, how do you decide whether to respond to things as "that's mean, I'm going to back off" vs. "that's a sign you need more support, I'm going to move closer."

[Anonymous]

Do you like her? Given that she’s DH’s relative, I would only invest the time in trying to fix her if I genuinely liked her. Otherwise it will be an unproductive waste of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you like her? Given that she’s DH’s relative, I would only invest the time in trying to fix her if I genuinely liked her. Otherwise it will be an unproductive waste of time.

Yes,

I also really love some of the people she's hurting, including DH and my children.

[Anonymous]

What exactly is she doing? How do you know it's PPA?

[Anonymous]

Sleep was my #1. Once I got that under control I felt better. Also finally losing the weight too. I felt out of control when my body wasn’t mine. Nothing really that others could do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What exactly is she doing? How do you know it's PPA?

So, she's very focused on things being "unfair" and can be really angry and accusatory when she perceives something as being unfair. So, for example, grandparents went to a bunch of my kid's soccer games this fall. They were all local, free, and outdoors so seemed like a fun thing to do. This winter, one of her kids is in 4 performances of the Nutcracker. Grandparents babysat the baby one night so parents and siblings could go together, and went one night. But decided that going more than one night during omicron was risky, as Grandma is immunocompromised. She got really upset, because they went to watch my kid more often than hers.

As far as how I know it's PPA? I guess I don't, but she has a PPA diagnosis. It's definitely anxious behavior. It escalated dramatically during the pregnancy and the first 6 months of the baby's life. I mean, maybe she's just mean and I didn't notice before? Or she coincidentally developed another anxiety related behavior.

[Anonymous]

I've had PPA twice, and the only thing that really helped me was good, consistent, uninterrupted sleep.
Not sure that this sounds like PPA, though?

[Anonymous]

You can't stop somebody from being a jerk. Pull back unless she asks for your help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've had PPA twice, and the only thing that really helped me was good, consistent, uninterrupted sleep.
Not sure that this sounds like PPA, though?

Yeah my PPA wasn't this. I had panic attacks and felt like Inwas dying. Sleep definitely helped, and just time. I think my PPA was a combo of hormones and reaction to all the meds they gave me for my c section.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've had PPA twice, and the only thing that really helped me was good, consistent, uninterrupted sleep.
Not sure that this sounds like PPA, though?

Yeah my PPA wasn't this. I had panic attacks and felt like Inwas dying. Sleep definitely helped, and just time. I think my PPA was a combo of hormones and reaction to all the meds they gave me for my c section.

I imagine it's different from person to person?

-- OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't stop somebody from being a jerk. Pull back unless she asks for your help.

She's asking for help. She's not identifying it as PPA, but she's constantly saying it's overwhelming to have so many kids, and asking for help of some sort. And her family steps up. People are trying to help.

But she still has these meltdowns, and her kids get sucked in. So, for example, I think her child felt hurt that grandparents only came to her Nutcracker once and went to more soccer games. Whereas I don't think that would have occurred to her on her own, that you're supposed to count soccer games vs. ballet performances.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it’s not the ballet vs soccer as much as it’s that she needs grandma (or someone) to help watch the kids more often? It sounds like she’s displacing her frustration over something else onto the ballet performance (seriously, why go to more than one of a performance??) - maybe she needs help getting her kids to their various activities?

My PPA looked different, but I often feel like I’m just barely keeping my head above water right now because there are just too many things going on. And having a 6month old is exhausting, so maybe she needs to hire help so that she’s not so overwhelmed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it’s not the ballet vs soccer as much as it’s that she needs grandma (or someone) to help watch the kids more often? It sounds like she’s displacing her frustration over something else onto the ballet performance (seriously, why go to more than one of a performance??) - maybe she needs help getting her kids to their various activities?

My PPA looked different, but I often feel like I’m just barely keeping my head above water right now because there are just too many things going on. And having a 6month old is exhausting, so maybe she needs to hire help so that she’s not so overwhelmed?

I do think she feels that way. But I also think she feels a lot of pressure to have her kids do all the right activities. Her kids have a schedule that would totally overwhelm me or my kids. I think that need for "perfection" for them is part of the anxiety.

But she also gets a lot of family support with those things. Her Dad is up there a lot to help drive kids around. His mom is running "camp Grandma" over Christmas break, and her sister and I take the kids whenever we're asked. Her DH is an active parent. He's off work to pick up the kids after school and take them where they need to go, and handles dinner and bath and bedtime most night. I guess that's what I mean when I feel like everyone's trying to help, and she's still clearly really overwhelmed.

The point about sleep is a good one. She boasts that baby is a very good sleeper, but it's hard to know because she's very competitive. Baby now takes a bottle, which might help, because her DH can get up at night, or a Grandparent can babysit. But that is very recent, so maybe now she'll catch up a little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't stop somebody from being a jerk. Pull back unless she asks for your help.

She's asking for help. She's not identifying it as PPA, but she's constantly saying it's overwhelming to have so many kids, and asking for help of some sort. And her family steps up. People are trying to help.

But she still has these meltdowns, and her kids get sucked in. So, for example, I think her child felt hurt that grandparents only came to her Nutcracker once and went to more soccer games. Whereas I don't think that would have occurred to her on her own, that you're supposed to count soccer games vs. ballet performances.

That's not asking for help. That is whining. Asking for help would be "Is there any chance you are available to take my older kids off my hands for a couple hours sometime this week?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it’s not the ballet vs soccer as much as it’s that she needs grandma (or someone) to help watch the kids more often? It sounds like she’s displacing her frustration over something else onto the ballet performance (seriously, why go to more than one of a performance??) - maybe she needs help getting her kids to their various activities?

My PPA looked different, but I often feel like I’m just barely keeping my head above water right now because there are just too many things going on. And having a 6month old is exhausting, so maybe she needs to hire help so that she’s not so overwhelmed?

I do think she feels that way. But I also think she feels a lot of pressure to have her kids do all the right activities. Her kids have a schedule that would totally overwhelm me or my kids. I think that need for "perfection" for them is part of the anxiety.

But she also gets a lot of family support with those things. Her Dad is up there a lot to help drive kids around. His mom is running "camp Grandma" over Christmas break, and her sister and I take the kids whenever we're asked. Her DH is an active parent. He's off work to pick up the kids after school and take them where they need to go, and handles dinner and bath and bedtime most night. I guess that's what I mean when I feel like everyone's trying to help, and she's still clearly really overwhelmed.

The point about sleep is a good one. She boasts that baby is a very good sleeper, but it's hard to know because she's very competitive. Baby now takes a bottle, which might help, because her DH can get up at night, or a Grandparent can babysit. But that is very recent, so maybe now she'll catch up a little.

Sounds more like a personality disorder than anxiety to me. Is this behavior new with the baby?