How to react to disrespect that you can't ignore? How should spouse react?
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Anonymous
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We're early into the teen years, so still figuring out the appropriate lines to draw.
We are not generally strict parents and our kids are basically compliant kids, so that has been fine. Usually a sharp word or a look is enough to bring a kid back into line, and we haven't really felt the need to mete out punishments. I don't think our kids have been grounded, as our m.o. is to allow the kid to stop whatever behavior is causing a problem and then move on from it. They don't misbehave often. The 13 year old is starting to get sassy; developmentally appropriate but still not ok when it crosses a line. Today I was telling my kid something he did not want to listen to and he said "I don't have to listen to this," and he walked away. I raised my voice, told him to come back right now, and yes, he did have to listen. The kid came back and begrudgingly listened. DH overheard and comes into the room, puts arm around 13 yo and in a consoling voice, tells him not to be upset, that mom (me) is on his side, mom is only trying to help. I find myself irritated with my DH more than DS. DS never would have said that to DH. I want DH to react just as he would if it had been said to him. DH always wants to be Mr. Nice Guy. I don't think anyone has to burn the house down over that remark, but I wish DH would be just as sharp as I was and tell DS that "Yes, he absolutely needs to listen to whatever I have to say." Two questions: 1) My inclination is to let it go with DS because he did come back and listen. But does that encourage the same behavior in the future? My mom probably would have smacked me across the face if I'd said that, but she was much stricter than I want to be. However, I don't want to be so lenient that he constantly pushes the boundaries because nothing happens. Hasn't been a problem in the past, but he's older now. 2) I'm pissed that my DH backed me up so weakly. I'd rather he have stayed away than what he did do, which felt to me like "Aww, you poor boy, having to listen to your mother..." Am I being too harsh with my response? |
Anonymous
| Talk to your husband, it is misguided, but, he was attempting to help. Given a little guidance, he'll do better next time. |
Anonymous
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Well, it's not that bad, OP, sometimes the good cop/bad cop routine works well too.
My husband, I am very sad to observe, favors our daughter over our son. It's blindingly obvious and I worry about the long-term effect on our son. Our daughter gets away with things that he yells at our son for doing. She talks back to him and he lets her, and if our son dared to do that, it would be WWIII in the house and I'd have to call the cops - which I nearly did, once. I have no idea why my husband doesn't love his own son. |
Anonymous
I can tell you how that worked out in our household. Kids in question are all adults now. Son has crippling anxiety and daughter is super demanding and loves to try and pit people against each other to compete for her attention. Hope you can do better. |
Anonymous
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Your DH will do better. He was just not accustomed to your DS behaving that way. He will be better prepared next time (talk with him and agree on how to handle it). Teenagers are something else. 
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Anonymous
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1. Yes, you spoke sharply to him and he came back and listened. Result you wanted was achieved so I wouldn't do any further consequences.
2. I would talk to DH. I think it's better to not intervene with your partner's parenting if you can avoid it. Tell him you felt undermined and see what he says. |
Anonymous
| I think you and DH need to be on the same page - no one should be shouting but if you need back up you get it. |
Anonymous
+1 At a minimum, DH should stay out of it. |
Anonymous
+1 This. |
Anonymous
| I think you're getting use to this, but I'd observe that sometimes "back up" can just escalate things. You don't need to pile on the kid -- if your admonishment worked (he listened to you, however reluctantly), then your husband doesn't need to be sharp -- in fact, that might backfire. Sometimes it's best just to not intervene. |
Anonymous
| Maybe I’m not understanding but there are plenty of times my teenage daughter is pissed at me. And DH talks to her and says I’m on her side and doing what’s right in a calm nice tone. Is it that it happened right in front of you? Why do feel undermined? Your husband said you are on the kid’s side. |
Anonymous
Me again- let me ask directly - did you want you husband to yell at your son? Is that what you meant by backing you up weakly? If so, that’s escalating the situation which you do not want to do. |
Anonymous
OP here. No, I don’t need anyone to yell. I didn’t yell, and no need for DH to yell. I guess I just wanted him to reiterate - firmly, sharply, assertively, in a serious tone of voice, something along those lines — that “Yes, you do have to listen when your mother is telling you something, and you don’t get to walk away.” What he did say was fine, but I think it should have come *after* asserting that. His tone of voice was wheedling, cajoling, like if you were trying to convince a much younger kid to put on his shoes or something. “C’mon, honey, please do this…” I don’t think my DH would have reacted like that if our son had spoken to him that way. In fact, Son never would have said that to him and I want son to realize that speaking to me in that manner is just as bad as speaking to his father that way. |
Anonymous
It’s an interesting dynamic that your husband is Mr. Nice Guy and your son wouldn’t talk to him that way. Why do think that is? |
Anonymous
I think your instincts are right, and I would also be annoyed. Will your husband be receptive if/when you talk to him? |