Unsupervised neighborhood play - what age is appropriate?

[Anonymous]

We live in an area with relatively small backyards and bushes around everyone’s yard. Our daughters, ages 5 and 7, like to play with the boy, age 6, behind us. The boy is repeating kindergarten and is in my daughter’s class. The bushes are such that I can mostly see both yards and the kids can run back and forth as they wish. The boy is really bossy and selfish and my daughters often come home in tears so the three of them need supervision.

During the week, I stay outside and watch the kids while the boy’s parents work. They are always apologetic about having to work. I do have work to do but just do it later when my kids go to bed. If not working, I’d be getting dinner ready. Doing work later is also an option for the boy’s parents but they prefer to do it earlier. So, I’m out there freezing every day after school.

I’m also the one out there on weekends. The other parents made no move to exit their house at all this weekend.

At what point should kids be able to play between the yards unsupervised? Should I expect the o her parents to supervise more?

My office is going back in January so my ability to be out there may be limited then, though I honestly doubt they’ll hold to the January plan.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they should just do hanging out

[Anonymous]

My kids are 5 & 7 now, I let them play unsupervised on our street with neighbors kids, but it is a relatively small cul-de-sac with very little cars coming in and out.

[Anonymous]

Too young, way to young.

[Anonymous]

I would make other plans for my kids after school and on weekends until the boy's parents got the hint.

[Anonymous]

If your kids are coming home in tears then they can't play with that particular kid anymore. It's not that they're too young to play together just the two of them without your supervision. It's that the neighbor boy is the one who needs supervision, but that's not your job.

If I were in your position I would be yelling at that kid each time he throws something at your kids or physically does something to them? "Go home and go tell your parents what you just did. You can't come into our yard any more today - you lost the right to play with us. Maybe tomorrow you'll play more nicely."

[Anonymous]

I felt my son (with ADHD) was mature enough to do so at 9. He had to be near the house and had to ask to go to the playground. He was good about traffic. But still, I kept a window open or popped my head out every so often.

Other kids may be mature enough to do so earlier. But I wouldn't let some kid (or mine) bother another like that. Regardless of age.

[Anonymous]

Age five generally.

But if it repeatedly isn’t working (not just hurt feelings hit really but working), then figure something else out. You clearly want the other parents to supervise, but whether that’s reasonable or not, it clearly isn’t going to happen.

I don’t supervise my five year and seven year olds with the neighbor kids.

[Anonymous]

5 and 7 for us to roam between 4 houses. 4 and 6 for our yard connected to the backyard neighbors with both yards fenced in and a gate between.

[Anonymous]

My kids were fine at 4 and 6, BUT the kids they played with were absolutely sweethearts. We live in a townhouse, and they lived a few doors down. I could hear them playing outside. So I was listening, but not visible.

The problem here is that your kids do not play well with this boy. Like a pp said, HE needs supervision. Your daughters may not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would make other plans for my kids after school and on weekends until the boy's parents got the hint.

How would they know what hint you're trying to give?

Just talk to them. Tell them you don't want your kids playing unsupervised and ask if the can supervise sometimes on their days off.

[Anonymous]

My kids are 5 and 7. The 7yr old can play unsupervised on the cul de sac, but needs us to walk him to the corner and watch him cross the street - it’s a busy cut through.

If the 5yr old wants to be outside, my husband and I supervise. Most families have 1 adult out of their kids are out because their youngest kid is 3-4 yr old.

[jsmith123]

The core issue here is that you personally feel like this particular group has to be supervised, and your neighbor either doesn't feel that way, or is taking advantage of the fact that you do.

Even if the other parent should be taking turns with you, wishing for that won't make it happen.

You should do only what you're willing to do. If you're cold and sick of being outside, then go inside.

I am confused though because if you are going back to work in January, won't you need child care for your kids? I'm assuming you either don't have a partner, or they're not supervising the kids outdoors based on your post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Age five generally.

But if it repeatedly isn’t working (not just hurt feelings hit really but working), then figure something else out. You clearly want the other parents to supervise, but whether that’s reasonable or not, it clearly isn’t going to happen.

I don’t supervise my five year and seven year olds with the neighbor kids.

My oldest is about this age and has some behavioral issues we work on with a professional. But even still I don’t think another child has ever gone him tears from our house! We only do unsupervised time in short bursts with a small number of kids we know very well, in part by younger son often wants to go out too and is too young to be out near our street on his own. So I’m frequently throwing a ball with little guy and not really interacting with the older ones but I’m there.

I think you should have a really good heart to heart with your daughters about boundaries and how they can be friends with this boy but not accept behavior that is hurtful. They can have a plan and standard phrases like “ I’m not going to play if you call me that again” if there’s name calling or whatever. And then they leave. There are some good books for kids about this, and I think it’s good practice for kids especially your older ones age to be standing up for themselves. I would also talk with them and then the neighbor parents about it being ok to say they don’t want to play that day even if they are outside. They can play some times but not every day if that works better. Or just practice standing firm they want to do X even if the little boy doesn’t want to and then he can decide to join in nicely or leave. I think you have a really good chance here to focus on your daughters abilities to advocate for themselves with your support. If they need help you can go out and just say really calmly it sounds like Larla told you she doesn’t want to play that way, so you can stay here and play something or go home to do something different. Or whatever. But if they don’t like this kid they can just choose not to play and it’s good for them to know you will back them up. You don’t have to babysit this other kid- he can go go after care or something?

[Anonymous]

I think age is a red herring here. The issue is that when these kids play together, your kids often come home in tears. So - what is happening that's leading to that? Do you just have sensitive kids who get upset about some light teasing and need some coping skills? Is it just that they don't get along well (fighting over toys or something)? Or is it that he is an aggressively mean kid?

My answer would depend on what the dynamic is. If it's really the latter, and you're pretty confident it's his behavior, then I would either 1) not let them play together, or play together way less often but supervised or 2) let them play together unsupervised, and when your kid comes home in tears, figure out what happened, and call the parents - "hey, seems like Larla and Larlo were playing and they got into an argument, and it got physical, seems there was some shoving. I only have Larla's side of the story, obviously, but wanted check in with you, let you know, see what Larlo said, and see if maybe we can help the kids work it out."

That may be enough to get to the core of the issue and get it solved. Or, it's possible that the other parents come to the same conclusion you did, that the kids need supervision, and then you guys can figure out how to alternate or something.

As it stands right now, from the other kid's parents perspective, their kid goes and plays with the neighborhood kids and comes home. He's probably not upset, so they have no idea there's an issue. Give them the information they need to figure out what makes sense for their kid.