Would you forgive sexual abuse?

[Anonymous]

I think the message of forgiveness in the different world religions is really beautiful. But are some things just not forgivable, like being sexually abused by a parent? What's the hardest thing you've forgiven and how did you get there?

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not. I understand that we can't cancel people because then why will they even go on trying to be better, but that's for mistakes. Abusing someone that way is not a mistake, it's not a situation where a person doesn't know better. I feel zero need to forgive that.

[Anonymous]

1. "Forgiveness" is really about doing whatever it takes to preserve your mental health and lead you to healing. Vengeance may be satisfying in the short-term, but the main thing is to move on and be happy, in whichever way you can. When people move on, with the passage of time, they find that they are amenable to forgiving their tormentors. Personally as a biologist, I think it's just some physiological function of our brains, that our memories dim past pain, like the pain of childbirth, and that hazy memories help us forgive.

2. I don't think we should ever forget or forgive institutional abuse. Something as deliberate and planned as the Holocaust, or something unplanned but still terrible like the abuse of children by priests. The only way to make sure it doesn't happen again is to legislate, enforce laws and guard against hate.

[Anonymous]

Forgiveness is for yourself, to bring yourself peace and move ahead without anger eating at you. You can forgive someone and still think they should be in jail or not allowed around kids, still recognize they were bad parents, etc. I think that message gets muddled a lot. Humans forgiving other humans does not make the forgivees better people.

[Anonymous]

No

[Anonymous]

No.

It’s why I’m not a Catholic anymore. Or religious.

[Anonymous]

HELL NO!

We should shame abusers and ban them from society. Abusers are a special species of humans. IMO, this particular species should be put to death because abusers always abuse again, and they can never be forgiven.

[Anonymous]

100% never. I never got peace until my abuser died.

[Anonymous]

No. And I don't have to.

We should focus our energy as a society on accountability for those who commit harm. We have become obsessed with this idea of forgiveness, of wiping the slate clean for people. Hate to break this to you, but no one actually has a clean slate. And it's not my job to clean it even if it was possible. The point is: you hurt someone, that hurt belongs to you. Forgiveness, refusal to forgive -- those are private matters. People wrestle with forgiveness and in the end some people choose to forgive because they decide it's in their interest to do so, to let go and move on. And some people decide it's not in their interest to forgive, they derive something of value in holding onto that resentment. No one gets to decide for anyone else how best to handle forgiveness.

But accountability? That's a public matter. We need to stop demanding forgiveness or asking people "what will it take" for someone to earn it. Irrelevant. Be accountable. What I think about it is up to me.

[Anonymous]

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the message of forgiveness in the different world religions is really beautiful. But are some things just not forgivable, like being sexually abused by a parent? What's the hardest thing you've forgiven and how did you get there?

You are duty-bound to forgive
That doesn't mean you cannot say no or do what is in your power to stop the abuse.

[Anonymous]

For me (as a survivor of sexual abuse) forgiveness and holding someone accountable are different things. I have done what I could to have my abuser be held accountable, but as far as forgiveness I’m not there yet and that is very hard coming from the perspective of my faith.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me (as a survivor of sexual abuse) forgiveness and holding someone accountable are different things. I have done what I could to have my abuser be held accountable, but as far as forgiveness I’m not there yet and that is very hard coming from the perspective of my faith.

This is a reasonable response.

To me, you can forgive the sinner, but not the sin.

That does not mean the sinner should not be accountable. In fact, accountability will hopefully lead to a change. Should he/she be out on the streets? I don't know,.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
1. "Forgiveness" is really about doing whatever it takes to preserve your mental health and lead you to healing. Vengeance may be satisfying in the short-term, but the main thing is to move on and be happy, in whichever way you can. When people move on, with the passage of time, they find that they are amenable to forgiving their tormentors. Personally as a biologist, I think it's just some physiological function of our brains, that our memories dim past pain, like the pain of childbirth, and that hazy memories help us forgive.

2. I don't think we should ever forget or forgive institutional abuse. Something as deliberate and planned as the Holocaust, or something unplanned but still terrible like the abuse of children by priests. The only way to make sure it doesn't happen again is to legislate, enforce laws and guard against hate.

I agree with the first point. Forgiveness is really just doing what you need to do to get someone out of your head. Hating someone takes up a lot of mental energy. We have an abuser in my family. I have forgiven him in the sense that I am not actively mad or thinking about his actions frequently. I understand that he also was a victim of sexual abuse, I feel sorry for him and wish him healing. What I do not have to do is have a relationship with him. We do occasional phone calls and letters to communicate.

[Anonymous]

No.