Unhealthy dynamic with friend - constant negative texting
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Anonymous
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Sophomore DD has had and eating disorder, anxiety, depression, ADHD. Three years of treatment/therapy and counting.
She has a lifelong BFF who goes to a different school who was really there for her at the worse of all of this the first year. If anything, they became closer. Now I have mixed feelings about their friendship. Friend seems to be going through a very difficult time. For over a year, she has texted DD throughout the day with a high % of the texts being negative: OMG I have a quiz next period. I'm going to fail. I hate it here. I want to go home. I'm going to KMS. OMG I got a 100. Go me. I hate the kids at my table. They are the worst. And on and on. There might be 100-200 texts during the school day. Many of them are the "I hate it here" type. Many are panicky about schoolwork. A sprinkling are bragging about the very high grades that she generally gets. DD struggles with her grades. She missed a lot of school in the beginning of her eating disorder, and despite tutoring, it has been hard to catch up/fill the gaps. At times, she is literally failing a test or has an F in a class. Through very hard work, she sometimes raises it to a B. Meanwhile, friend panicked for days about getting one B on her 1st quarter report card. "My parents are going to kill me." DD pointed out it was just one B and it was just 1st quarter. Friend: that's one B too many. DD even talked with me about that one: Mom, I couldn't text back right away. I mean, read the room. I have an F, and I told her that like three texts up. A few times friend has mentioned that she's gained too much weight and she needs to eat less. This is the closest I've gotten to reaching out to her mom, but I haven't. I'm sure she's not actually trying to sabotage DD. It feels a little like she takes comfort in doing better than DD, though. I know this information because I spot check DD's texts (which she knows, but forgets). I do it only because I'm watching for ED / other flare-ups. This information has sometimes informed medication adjustments, etc, because DD is a poor reporter. Also, DD's iPad dings ALL days while she's at school. I really wish DD wasn't seeing a constant stream of negativity while she's in her classes. Although I'm close with the mom in some ways, she seems to be parenting differently during the teen years than I am (for example, the girl apparently did get in trouble for that one B). Mom necessarily focuses on a sibling with special needs and an elderly parent. I think she doesn't notice that friend doesn't have good connections at her own school and is spiraling in anxiety and negativity. I'm honestly concerned for friend, but I'm much more concerned for DD. DD is extremely loyal, especially since friend was so supportive when she was in full time treatment. My own dynamic is shaky with DD, and I don't want to be the "hammer" that just takes away her phone or similar (I have to reserve that for when she refuses to eat...). |
Anonymous
| Tell your daughter that she can see her friend in person and you're grateful she helped your daughter in the early days of her ED but she's super negative so you would like it if the two of them stopped talking online for a bit. I wouldn't worry about the girl or her mom-focus on your daughter and her issues. I get the impression your daughter is getting tired of all the negativity. as well. |
Anonymous
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I think it's fine to set some limits around school day text (my mom says I can't text during school except emergencies) and for you to either talk to the friend or the friend's mom and say that diet and body conversations should be completely off the table.
Otherwise, I would just encourage your daughter to respond empathetically without trying to solve the problem "that sounds tough or I'm sorry you feel stressed" rather than "you will do great or you are really pretty." |
Anonymous
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Next time the girl is over at your house I would tell her straight to her face "Hey, I check DD's texts and see you're texting her over 100 times a day. Please let DD concentrate when she's in school and try to cut your texts down to once or twice during school hours."
Just letting the other girl know you are aware of how often she texts and what she texts may be enough to get the girl to change her texting habits. |
Anonymous
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Maybe a conversation with your daughter about stress: everyone has stresses but what stresses me may not stress you. It's not a competition, so don't compare. Or, just be supportive by listening but don't engage. Or, teach her to set some boundaries: if friend is stuck in negativity, daughter can change the conversation or tell friend she has to get off the phone. Setting boundaries to maintain her own emotional health may be something she could work on with her therapist -- it's a great life skill to have.
And best wishes to you and your daughter! You sound like you've come a long way together. |
Anonymous
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Maybe a conversation with your daughter about stress: everyone has stresses but what stresses me may not stress you. It's not a competition, so don't compare. Or, just be supportive by listening but don't engage. Or, teach her to set some boundaries: if friend is stuck in negativity, daughter can change the conversation or tell friend she has to get off the phone. Setting boundaries to maintain her own emotional health may be something she could work on with her therapist -- it's a great life skill to have.
And best wishes to you and your daughter! You sound like you've come a long way together. |
Anonymous
OMG no. No no no no no. |
Anonymous
Well, either OP's daughter has to tell the friend "hey I need you to text me less during school" or the mom has to do it. |
Anonymous
| I would work on the number of texts during school hours. Isn’t that disruptive to your DD and her learning? Your DD needs some language to let this girl know the texting is too frequent. She can either blame you (you see her phone) or she can say she has to turn her phone off until lunch period. Boundaries. You and DD should also have a conversation about the texting content. Does your DD see this girl’s DRAMA about tests/grades/parents? |
Anonymous
This. "Sorry I didn't see your texts. I have my phone off during class." And then don't respond to anything missed. Rinse and repeat. Because really, if your daughter is having trouble at school, she should not be looking at or receiving hundreds of texts per day. Let alone attempting to reply to them. |
Anonymous
| Why is your daughter checking her texts all day if she is struggling in school (and even if she is not)? |
Anonymous
| If your teen can’t speak up to her friend and say “it hurts when you go on about a B when I’ve just told you I got an F”, then it isn’t really a friendship. Talk to your daughter about that. |
Anonymous
| Is your daughter still in therapy? It sounds to me like she realizes she is struggling with the balance between being a supportive friend and setting boundaries for her own well being. A good therapist can help her with setting those boundaries and reframing her role with the friend. If mot, I think you should approach it from the same angle rather than being “the hammer.” Not cutting off the relationship or down-talking the friend (which will make your daughter dig in) but empathizing with the difficult position she’s putting your daughter in, affirming that this is not really the role that a friend should play, and talking through with your daughter how to set appropriate boundaries with the friend. Asking things like “do you think it affects your ability to focus during class when you are getting all these texts during the day?” She should also definitely silence the alerts on texts from this friend. If she could push the friend to use something like WhatsApp instead, she could hold off looking at it until she has headspace to deal with friend (or just turn off popul notifications for text generally—but then she might worry about missing pressing texts from other friends. My daughter gets a lot of time-sensitive “do you know where the math homework is?” Type questions that she wouldn’t want to miss.) |
Anonymous
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I don't think it's very fair of you to be dismissive of anxieties and stresses the other girl may be feeling. It almost comes across as if you see it as a contest, like her issues aren't as legit as your daughters. Would you want someone to be dismissive of your daughter's eating disorder because their child was hospitalized more or failed more classes.
You need to worry about the amount of texts during the school day. First, tell your daughter to tell the girl something along, "my mom said I have to leave my phone at home if I keep getting so many texts." Of course if your daughter doesn't care, they will just switch to an app to text Your daughter needs to talk with her therapist about the content of the messages. |
Anonymous
| New rule, phone is off during the school day. Checking texts during her “work day” is a bad habit for dd to be developing. |