Mean Girl Behavior

[Anonymous]

I did not grow up dealing with mean girls. However, as an adult I have to interact with certain women (e.g., SILs and their friends) who are catty, passive aggressive and just annoying as all hell. What are good strategies for managing these interactions with women who clearly are not my friends? These are typically family events so mostly unavoidable although I try my best to bow out as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

You didn’t just figure this out about them yesterday. So what have been doing, aside from bowing out of events (which is a good strategy)?

[Anonymous]

Move around the room. Certainly there are other people to talk to. Don't assume you are expected to be in this group just because of age or relationship.

Treat them like you would a neighbor you don't know well. You are courteous. You don't reveal a lot of information. You don't talk for very long.

[Anonymous]

The biggest tip I can give you is: DO NOT ENGAGE

What this means is don't take their bait. Assume that when they give you backhanded compliments, exclude you in a seemingly intentional way, or are passive aggressive, they are trying to bait you into reacting. Do not give them this satisfaction. Act as though you don't notice, don't take any of it personally (it's not really, anyway -- this is about them, not you), and always act polite but slightly distant.

This also means do not discuss them with other family members. If you need to vent about their behavior, find a friend who never socializes with your family (ever) and just consult her occasionally for a vent session. Do not vent to your husband about this. It's fine if he knows the SIL is not your cup of tea, but if you fully engage him on this issue you run the risk of him expressing his dislike of these women, and this will violate the no engagement rule. So try to keep your comments about these women neutral when possible.

The key is to neutralize their behavior. Bullies need victims. That's how they get their fix. It makes them feel good to see they behavior impacting others negatively. It's a power trip. So deprive them of this and they will likely move onto other targets. The other thing you accomplish in staying neutral and refusing to take the bait is that you retain the high ground in case they choose to escalate. If they decide to ramp up their behavior, spread rumors about you, or otherwise escalate, you want to always be able to say "I've never done or said anything negative about these women." As long as that is true, you will make it very hard for them to turn other members of the family against you should they attempt to do so. Their behavior will come off as especially catty and mean (which it is!).

Signed,
A person who didn't realize any of the above, totally took the mean girls' bait, wound up dropping to their level, and ruined my reputation with a that group of people as a result.

P.S. Seriously. Don't engage.

[Anonymous]

Say hello, smile, and keep it moving. Always Be Moving. As in if they come sit near you, compliment their earrings and then go to refill your drink. If they come into the kitchen, exclaim over Aunt Alice’s dessert and then go to the restroom. Etc. Always Be Moving. Go stand near your husband, your father-in-law, or one of their husbands. They won’t be able to zing you with a neutral party present.

[Anonymous]

I had a long conversation hearing about my FIL's military service when he was drafted instead of talking to my catty cousins. Then I went into the kitchen and helped feed the baby and stir random things on the stove for an hour. I offered to walk the dog. I chatted with the friend and boyfriend of the host who were visiting.

I simply said hello to the Mean Girls and then got into conversations with everyone else.

[Anonymous]

OK I have been dealing with this first with my MIL and SILs and then with my own mother and sister. I find depression contributes because when my MIL and sister were happy they were nice, now they enjoy being catty

First and foremost as others have said...

1.) Don't TAKE the BAIT, stay calm. Pretend you are floating above and watching some strange creatures from the animal kingdom interacting. Be calm and cool and don't react to anything. You could even pretend to be a confused dog. When someone insults you or jabs turn your head to the side and look like you don't comprehend what happened.

2.) Always have an exit plan and escape route...go to the bathroom, go to chat with someone else, have excuses to leave and make sure everyone in family will play along as needed

3.) Find your safe people. If you know who they are, great hang with them. Otherwise work the room and find people who are pleasant.

4.) Xanex...either take one before (if you don't have to drive) or have one ready if needed.

[Anonymous]

I would say keep moving and do not engage, don't make this too obvious but if they come up and chat, stay for a short while really short and then move on.

They won't say anything with someone else present, they don't like others to witness their rudeness so stay in a group.

Don't react or engage. This is a big one, simply never react.

Lastly stop caring what they think. Do you like or respect them, no, so why is their opinion of you anything to worry over. When I realized I didn't even like certain people it completely changed my whole perspective on them. I stopped caring what they thought about me, I realized it wasn't even about me, it was their need to put others down, it was their game, its really nothing to do with me. When you put it back on them and their weirdness, you really stop caring. Think of it this way, their insults and excluding you tells you way more about them than they intend to give away, its really not about you. Happy people don't do this, they really don't.

[Anonymous]

I'm seriosly impressed that you didnt grow up with mean girls. That's awesome. As other have said keep your interractions short.

Unfortunatley for me the two biggest mean girls in my life are my sisters and mother..

I keep things very friendly and light with them, but I don't give them any real information. I'll coo over baby pictures, and praise promotions and meals etc,, but it's very surface pretty much like how you do at the office where you are pretty friendly with everyone, but don't really say too much because you never know who is a backstabber.

Learn how to skillfully change the subject to something you all can talk about if the topic is starting to become mean or gossipy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm seriosly impressed that you didnt grow up with mean girls. That's awesome. As other have said keep your interractions short.

Unfortunatley for me the two biggest mean girls in my life are my sisters and mother..

I keep things very friendly and light with them, but I don't give them any real information. I'll coo over baby pictures, and praise promotions and meals etc,, but it's very surface pretty much like how you do at the office where you are pretty friendly with everyone, but don't really say too much because you never know who is a backstabber.

Learn how to skillfully change the subject to something you all can talk about if the topic is starting to become mean or gossipy.

Just popping in to say the mean girls in my life are also my mom and sister and you are the first person i’ve ever see say the same. You are not alone! And boy is it awful and alienating.

[Anonymous]

My husbands family is full of them. They are in the "exclude you and talk behind your back" type. They make minimal if any effort to actually speak to me. It's sad and humorous to watch grown women act like spiteful teenage a$$holes.

[Anonymous]

Remind yourself that they aren't your friends and feel sad for them that they never grew up from their college days. That's really sad that a person can't mature beyond that point.

Then avoid avoid avoid because who could be bothered with this type of silliness later in life. How boring.

Why does SIL need her friends around at family events, can't she handle herself on her own. Mean girls are cowards alone, that's why they hang in groups, there is nothing to respect there. Also remind yourself that they usually target those they feel threatened by or are jealous of, you must have something they are envious of.

Learn to disengage from them. Don't avoid family events but learn to engage with others. Their tactics work because it gets under your skin. What if you turned up and couldn't care less what they thought or did, like they are an annoying mosquito on your arm, wouldn't you simply swat at that and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remind yourself that they aren't your friends and feel sad for them that they never grew up from their college days. That's really sad that a person can't mature beyond that point.

Then avoid avoid avoid because who could be bothered with this type of silliness later in life. How boring.

Why does SIL need her friends around at family events, can't she handle herself on her own. Mean girls are cowards alone, that's why they hang in groups, there is nothing to respect there. Also remind yourself that they usually target those they feel threatened by or are jealous of, you must have something they are envious of.

Learn to disengage from them. Don't avoid family events but learn to engage with others. Their tactics work because it gets under your skin. What if you turned up and couldn't care less what they thought or did, like they are an annoying mosquito on your arm, wouldn't you simply swat at that and move on.

This, but to be honest I have enough stress in my life that I will avoid a family wedding where inevitability the seating arrangement puts me near my sister and mother. It stresses out my husband and kids too being around the cattiness. People I am close with are empathetic, but the cousin who needs to keep up appearances and have a big family showing just wants you to "grow up" and be "be the better person." I'm not going to ask to be a different table because that will just cause drama so it's easier to just decline. Drives my mother insane, because it sends a message I am fine with "all is not well here." It humiliates her and she just gangs up with my sister even more, but I can screen calls.

Otherwise at events where I have an easier escape I don't engage with the pettiness. I keep things surface level and quickly move on when the fangs come out. I don't defend. I don't react. I remain calm. I may have a little wine while there too .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The biggest tip I can give you is: DO NOT ENGAGE

What this means is don't take their bait. Assume that when they give you backhanded compliments, exclude you in a seemingly intentional way, or are passive aggressive, they are trying to bait you into reacting. Do not give them this satisfaction. Act as though you don't notice, don't take any of it personally (it's not really, anyway -- this is about them, not you), and always act polite but slightly distant.

This also means do not discuss them with other family members. If you need to vent about their behavior, find a friend who never socializes with your family (ever) and just consult her occasionally for a vent session. Do not vent to your husband about this. It's fine if he knows the SIL is not your cup of tea, but if you fully engage him on this issue you run the risk of him expressing his dislike of these women, and this will violate the no engagement rule. So try to keep your comments about these women neutral when possible.

The key is to neutralize their behavior. Bullies need victims. That's how they get their fix. It makes them feel good to see they behavior impacting others negatively. It's a power trip. So deprive them of this and they will likely move onto other targets. The other thing you accomplish in staying neutral and refusing to take the bait is that you retain the high ground in case they choose to escalate. If they decide to ramp up their behavior, spread rumors about you, or otherwise escalate, you want to always be able to say "I've never done or said anything negative about these women." As long as that is true, you will make it very hard for them to turn other members of the family against you should they attempt to do so. Their behavior will come off as especially catty and mean (which it is!).

Signed,
A person who didn't realize any of the above, totally took the mean girls' bait, wound up dropping to their level, and ruined my reputation with a that group of people as a result.

P.S. Seriously. Don't engage.

This. Mean girls make themselves feel better by making others feel bad.

[Anonymous]

Not sure if my sil is a mean girl per se, but she sure has a lot of unearned confidence that she feels free to put people down in a snappy manner in front of anyone, whenever she feels “her way” is right. My mom and I do not engage. Usually I briefly pause when snapped at and change the subject or physically move on to a different person if there’s an opportunity. Annoying as all hell. My DH and I spent a fair amount of discussion (probably too much) trying to figure out how it is that a person can end up with so much unearned confidence and wield it around like such a blunt instrument. We’re baffled. Her parents seem nice. It’s a mystery but we are determined not to do to our kids whatever her parents must have done (or not done) to create such a piece of work.