How do you handle screen time for visiting family kids?

[Anonymous]

We see our extended cousins only a few times a year for a long visit. Each family handles screens differently. One very limited screens, one free for all, and the others of us are in the middle.

The free for all family kids have individual iPads that they bring to each gathering. When they come and the kids pull out the iPads, it changes the whole dynamic and the board games and Lego building and dress up and other stuff get derailed. The kids who have their own devices start asking for them and those that don't just look over the shoulders of those that do.

The parents all say, "it stinks that they're so addicted to screens," but kind of throw up their hands. Even the free for all family has expressed that they wished they didn't give the kids the devices so young. But no one wants to be the bad guy and set limits.

Any ideas on activities so enticing that the kids will put down the screens on their own? Or non judgmental ways to enforce limits when everyone is all together?

[Anonymous]

Talk to the parents before and separately from kids. Try to go with "our house, our screen time rules". And then relax those rules a tiny bit but not free for all.

[Anonymous]

You can't control kids that aren't your own. Sucks, but it is what it is. Our nephews used to bring Ipads to restaurants to watch the whole time and our daughter was bummed because she rarely got to see them but we couldn't tell them what to do.

I'd ask the parents if they'd be up for a screen-free day or specific hours to foster playing together. But if they aren't, let it go.

Prep your own kids ahead of time so they understand that their screens won't be out every second that someone else's screens are out.

And then build in some shared screen time - movies together or a video game hour etc.

Be flexible.

[Anonymous]

How many days out of the year is this really? We're in the middle but I usually let the higher volume go. If there is another group activity where it is clear, then we should all participate. e.g., we're all starting monopoly at 8 p.m. (or whatever, I hate monopoly). But no, I don't get upset that kids watch tv together rather than willingly make a giant lego set or something. But again, it's so few days, it doesn't matter.

[Anonymous]

Go with the flow. It’s just a visit.

[Anonymous]

I'm not anti-screen time, but can't imagine allowing my kids to watch ipads when there are cousins to be played with! In our case, we have no cousins and all the elderly relatives do get a bit boring for my kids. I require good behavior for a few hours and then once everyone is done talking to my kids they get the ipads.

My cousins and I always had games going. We gambled a lot actually. Presidents, spoons and hide and go seek were our favorite games.

[Anonymous]

Agree that its just a few days and you probably just have to go with it. That being said, I think it is ok to ask if everyone would be up for a couple "Screen free" hours. "Hey, we want to make sure the kids have time to play together- our kids have been really looking forward to having their cousins play (lego, board game, etc) so we were thinking we would have a couple "Screen free times". If you are all up for it, would 10am-12pm work for you?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many days out of the year is this really? We're in the middle but I usually let the higher volume go. If there is another group activity where it is clear, then we should all participate. e.g., we're all starting monopoly at 8 p.m. (or whatever, I hate monopoly). But no, I don't get upset that kids watch tv together rather than willingly make a giant lego set or something. But again, it's so few days, it doesn't matter.

Not OP but I disagree that it doesn't matter because it's a few days. Those large family gatherings ARE the few days when kids have a chance to engage with extended family. It's during those few days kids typically
learn what it means to socialize for hours or days at a time, where they have a chance to listen in on grown-up conversation and learn about family history, values and dynamics. It's a chance to learn how to get bored and frustrated in tandem with cousins and find ways to resolve family tensions while strengthening their bonds. Letting kids escape into their own digital worlds for such long stretches during holidays robs them of all those opportunities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go with the flow. It’s just a visit.

This is what I would do too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many days out of the year is this really? We're in the middle but I usually let the higher volume go. If there is another group activity where it is clear, then we should all participate. e.g., we're all starting monopoly at 8 p.m. (or whatever, I hate monopoly). But no, I don't get upset that kids watch tv together rather than willingly make a giant lego set or something. But again, it's so few days, it doesn't matter.

But it doesn't sound like they are watching TV together; it sounds like kids are on their own, separate devices.

I get the complaint -- it's not about the screens per se, it's that the kids are happily playing a game or engaged in some other fun activity together, and then the screens come out and it all stops, and these kids don't get to spend a lot of time together in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Do they depend on wifi? You could just turn it off during certain hours.

[Anonymous]

In our house the rule is "no screens when guests are over unless it's raining out." And that goes for all kids. So we have kids leave their iPads with their coats and they go play.

We let adults know this ahead of time. If they want to tell their kid it's okay for them to use their iPad, we have their kid take it and sit in a room by themselves. But in general, they have kids leave the iPads in the car or don't bring them to our house at all.

[Anonymous]

I handle it like I do with playdates. My siblings feel the same way about it that I do, so even though our kids have had screens from a young age, they don't even think of it as an option when they're playing with cousins. On the other side of the family there's only 1 cousin who has unlimited screen time. My dd doesn't love when her cousin disappears into her phone, but instead of getting her own out goes to find aunts/uncles/grandparents to talk with.

You can certainly try to make requests and offer alternate activities (cookie decorating? Ice skating?), but I think the reality is that if the parents aren't on the same page there's not much you can do to prevent it. Maybe it's just my DH's family, but I know for a fact a request to limit screens would be laughed right out of the room even though we only see each other a few days each year.

Set your kids' expectations and hopefully they can try to engage cousins.

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids? If under 10, I would just say "ok, iPad time is up, outside!" and sweep through the room gathering iPads and shoo all the children outside.

If over 10, they are smart enough to see where you put the iPad down and collect it again and then hide better, but hopefully at least a few go play.

If it's a way to keep the kids entertained, I'd MUCH rather they all watch a movie together on a tv, so say after dinner I'd offer that.

But yes, I'd also prepare my kids that they wouldn't be on their iPads the entire time and explain how much screen time they can have and the movie plan. And then loosely enforce it.

All the kids in our family have way more fun playing than on the screens, though sometimes they all look at Minecraft or something too. It's usually short lived and they move on because playing is more fun. Most of them are under 10 though, so I think it's easier to enforce and they are more open to "play time".

[Anonymous]

Outings. Less likely to be on the phone when everyone heads out for a hike, or backyard football game, or lunch out at a restaurant etc.