SIL and BIL divorcing and BIL angry w me and DH

[Anonymous]

My husband’s brother and his wife are getting divorced after many years of a very difficult relationship including financial problems, trust issues, bad communication style, and now we think also some mental health issues. My BIL has essentially isolated himself from everyone. He doesn’t have any friends, isn’t close w his parents or any other relatives and now that his marriage has deteriorated so much he doesn’t have my SIL to talk to either. Only person he really talks to is my DH, his brother. I don’t talk to BIL much but I do talk to my SIL almost every day as she and I got close over the years (we’ve known each other for almost 20 years and she and I have always been close throughout but especially these past couple years when she needed someone to talk to as their marriage crumbled.)

Anyway…I was talking to my SIL yesterday and something I said must have really upset her bc apparently as soon as she and I got done talking she picked a huge fight w my BIL. This then lead my BIL to send angry texts to my husband and to me demanding to know what we said to SIL to cause her to start this fight w him. I sincerely don’t know what exactly it was I said that upset her (I asked her and she said oh it was nothing. I went over our whole convo in my mind many times and could think of nothing. Our convo was mostly her talking anyway and neither of us shared any new information; it was all topics we’ve discussed before but all related to how difficult their relationship is. So even though I can’t imagine why BIL is angry w me/us, just to try to smooth things over I sent both of them a text like this “I’m sorry I said something that made things worse between you. (DH and I) would never want to do that. We’re sorry for what you’re both going through.”

My SIL texted me back “don’t worry about it. You did nothing wrong. BIL just gets upset easily.” My BIL texted me something like “please use more discretion in the future.” (Discretion about what I have no idea!) And BIL told my husband he’d “appreciate keeping things said between them in confidence.” My DH asked his brother what was said that upset him too and BIL gave a very vague answer that’s really more about BIL’s general personality than anything specific so it’s not like some “secret” that we revealed about him.

Yet it really bothers me that they don’t just tell me what it was that I said that upset them. I feel like SIL (and then, by extension, BIL) blamed this fight they had on me and by extension my DH bc they feel they need someone to blame. But it drives me crazy that I don’t even know what I did wrong and I fear that BIL won’t share w DH anymore bc of this which would be bad as it would take away BIL’s only friend.

I guess Im mostly just venting but have you ever been in a situation like this where someone close to you is breaking up/divorcing and drags others into it? Or blames fights on others? Is that a common dynamic? Ive never had a close family member or friend divorce before. How can we stay close to both of them and also avoid something like this happening again? I already plan to really scale back and basically say nothing going forward but things are so tense between them and neither of them has many friends or other people to talk to so DH and I are basically it that I fear this could just keep happening somehow.

[Anonymous]

I know you like your SIL but you need to cut ties with her. Blood is supposed to be thicker than water and you have to support your BIL. I’ve been there and it’s hard

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know you like your SIL but you need to cut ties with her. Blood is supposed to be thicker than water and you have to support your BIL. I’ve been there and it’s hard

Do not listen to this poster. You can be measured with your SIL, but you do not have to give up a 20 year relationship.

[Anonymous]

Your SIL is using you. Don't play those games because you will ruin the relationship your DH has with his brother. Do you want that?

[Anonymous]

Their drama is not your problem. Remember that and it’ll be ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is using you. Don't play those games because you will ruin the relationship your DH has with his brother. Do you want that?

No, of course I don’t want that. In fact, I am always encouraging my husband to be close w his brother. I’m wondering if you’re right that my SIL is using me and trying to break up my BIL’s connection to my husband in the process. I had never considered she might do something like that. But now I’m suspicious of her. This sucks. I hate the drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Their drama is not your problem. Remember that and it’ll be ok.

I know you’re right. I’m just trying to figure out how to remain neutral and supportive and not be involved the drama. Ive always tried to avoid drama in my own family of origin, don’t take part in any gossiping I hate that type of stuff, so it really irks me that we’re even part of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know you like your SIL but you need to cut ties with her. Blood is supposed to be thicker than water and you have to support your BIL. I’ve been there and it’s hard

Ugh I would hate to do this but maybe I will need to.

[Anonymous]

She told you it was nothing you said. It’s possible that after having a conversation with you and reflecting on everything that’s going on, she was upset in general and went and picked a fight. So it wasn’t anything you said but instead just the mere fact of having a discussion with somebody. In your shoes I would just let this go and realize that sometimes bystanders in these terrible situations can get hit with a little shrapnel. Since you like your sister-in-law and want to support her, don’t cut her off.

[Anonymous]

It sounds as if your BIL may have Asperger's tendencies.

I say this because my husband has Aspie tendencies, my neighbor too, and it's created very similar problems in both our marriages. The men don't have friends. They don't communicate well with anyone, including their wives, they tend to being controlling and angry to the point of being occasional abusive and they also hoard.

Seen in that context, your SIL could be the more reliable person, and is likely to be more of a friend than your BIL, who will never be a friend to anyone (he will just have people he talks to, like my husband talks to his brothers - his brothers know very well how annoying he can be and how far their relationship goes).

Of course, I could be completely wrong.

[Anonymous]

I would start avoiding any and all conversations with either of them. I am not sure she is using you but you do get sucked into the drama and you don’t want that.
She needs to find her own friends and family to talk to.
As we were divorcing with my ex I tried to talk to his parents about certain things and they just wouldn’t have any of it. I was upset as their son was being very rude and abusive to me but now I think they did right for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It sounds as if your BIL may have Asperger's tendencies.

I say this because my husband has Aspie tendencies, my neighbor too, and it's created very similar problems in both our marriages. The men don't have friends. They don't communicate well with anyone, including their wives, they tend to being controlling and angry to the point of being occasional abusive and they also hoard.

Seen in that context, your SIL could be the more reliable person, and is likely to be more of a friend than your BIL, who will never be a friend to anyone (he will just have people he talks to, like my husband talks to his brothers - his brothers know very well how annoying he can be and how far their relationship goes).

Of course, I could be completely wrong.

You might be right. I have thought over the years that BIL might have Aspergers. I think at the very least he has executive functioning issues. But I don’t want my husband or myself or our kids to lose a relationship w him. And although I like my SIL if we have to choose we’ll definitely choose him, of course.

[Anonymous]

Cut ties with SIL, 100%. She's definitely manipulating you and then using that to get him angry. Don't play that game. Time to ghost.

[Anonymous]

I am not saying to cut ties, but it does not seem like a great idea to discuss all their relationship issues with her. That is bound to blow back on you and/or you husband, who should support his brother. Do you have other common ground for this friendship? To the BIL, it will seem like you and his brother (your husband) are gossiping about him and talking trash about him to his STBX.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It sounds as if your BIL may have Asperger's tendencies.

I say this because my husband has Aspie tendencies, my neighbor too, and it's created very similar problems in both our marriages. The men don't have friends. They don't communicate well with anyone, including their wives, they tend to being controlling and angry to the point of being occasional abusive and they also hoard.

Seen in that context, your SIL could be the more reliable person, and is likely to be more of a friend than your BIL, who will never be a friend to anyone (he will just have people he talks to, like my husband talks to his brothers - his brothers know very well how annoying he can be and how far their relationship goes).

Of course, I could be completely wrong.

You might be right. I have thought over the years that BIL might have Aspergers. I think at the very least he has executive functioning issues. But I don’t want my husband or myself or our kids to lose a relationship w him. And although I like my SIL if we have to choose we’ll definitely choose him, of course.

That's just it. You don't need to choose. You won't go to jail for refusing to choose. I know that if I divorced, my MIL and BILs would continue to see me. We're a family (I chose my husband in part because I got along great with his family). You can continue to socialize with your SIL. You can continue to be on nodding terms with your BIL. If they divorce and he demands you stop seeing his ex-wife, I doubt he'd cut you off if you said: "she's a friend, we see her occasionally".