How do you motive a child who always seeks approval

[Anonymous]

DD,6th grade, broke down in tears right before bed last night. She said that she hated school because no one cared how hard she worked. She spent hours on a writing project, yet herfriend who wrote a few lines last minute also got an A, just like she did. DD had a great year last year in 5th due to her strong work ethics. Her teachers were showering her with praises and complimented her on her work on almost daily basis. I suspect also partially it was virtual learning and they were were trying to keep kids motivated. This year with things back to “normal” and being in middle school, she is no longer getting the same positive feedbacks as she did before. Given the standards of mcps, we always told DD that she needed to go above and beyond in order to be well prepared for high school and college, and until this year she was happily doing so because of the kudos she got from her teachers. I am concerned now, that her only source of motivation is from praises that she receives from others. This will set her up for a lot of disappointments and unrealistic expectations in life. What can I do to help her so that she truly finds satisfaction in a job well done from within rather than compliments from others ?

[Anonymous]

Just talk her through why she worked so hard on the assignment - it's not for the grade, or for praise from the teacher. It's so that she will become a stronger writer who can take advanced courses in high school, get into a good college, and get to pick her career. It's to get stronger.

[Anonymous]

She needs to find her intrinsic motivation. She needs to do well for the sake of teaching herself how to write a well-written paper. She needs to study and learn material so she knows it later in life, not so she can get praised by the teacher in front of the whole class for getting the highest grade. Explain that to her. Teach her to look for personal satisfaction in a job well done, thoroughly done.

[Anonymous]

Let her go through this. She's learning it by real life lessons.

Explain that you are proud of how hard she works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs to find her intrinsic motivation. She needs to do well for the sake of teaching herself how to write a well-written paper. She needs to study and learn material so she knows it later in life, not so she can get praised by the teacher in front of the whole class for getting the highest grade. Explain that to her. Teach her to look for personal satisfaction in a job well done, thoroughly done.

Agree. However, your DD is emotional and it is difficult to "reason" with emotions.

And, it is possible that her friend deserved the "A." Maybe the friend is just a very good natural writer. Or, maybe your DD overthought the assignment and that it did not require all those hours. Perhaps, the teacher did not see the assignment as being important enough to demand hours of work.

"Balance" is key here.

Be sure your DD is taking time for recreation. There is nothing wrong with wanting to make good grades. Just be sure the goal is to "do her best" not to "be the best."

[Anonymous]

As a teacher, I would want to know about this, so that I could steer class conversation to discussions of effort and improvement. My bet is the teacher is overwhelmed and is just quickly marking papers to get it done. She may not have felt it was as important an assignment as your child did. The teacher doesn’t need to start praising her all the time, but should be a partner in helping her develop a workable attitude and balance towards school. If I were the teacher, I would want to know so I could help.

Also, be sure you aren’t over focusing on grades, which is an easy thing to do without meaning to. She will mostly take her cues from you as she grows, although she may not want to admit it once she becomes a teenager!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD,6th grade, broke down in tears right before bed last night. She said that she hated school because no one cared how hard she worked. She spent hours on a writing project, yet herfriend who wrote a few lines last minute also got an A, just like she did. DD had a great year last year in 5th due to her strong work ethics. Her teachers were showering her with praises and complimented her on her work on almost daily basis. I suspect also partially it was virtual learning and they were were trying to keep kids motivated. This year with things back to “normal” and being in middle school, she is no longer getting the same positive feedbacks as she did before. Given the standards of mcps, we always told DD that she needed to go above and beyond in order to be well prepared for high school and college, and until this year she was happily doing so because of the kudos she got from her teachers. I am concerned now, that her only source of motivation is from praises that she receives from others. This will set her up for a lot of disappointments and unrealistic expectations in life. What can I do to help her so that she truly finds satisfaction in a job well done from within rather than compliments from others ?

She needs to understand that school doesn’t not reward hard work. In fact, life doesn’t reward hard work. I worked much harder when I was doing manual labor for FedEx than I have ever worked in white collar jobs, but I made 25 cents over the minimum wage the first six months of that job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD,6th grade, broke down in tears right before bed last night. She said that she hated school because no one cared how hard she worked. She spent hours on a writing project, yet herfriend who wrote a few lines last minute also got an A, just like she did. DD had a great year last year in 5th due to her strong work ethics. Her teachers were showering her with praises and complimented her on her work on almost daily basis. I suspect also partially it was virtual learning and they were were trying to keep kids motivated. This year with things back to “normal” and being in middle school, she is no longer getting the same positive feedbacks as she did before. Given the standards of mcps, we always told DD that she needed to go above and beyond in order to be well prepared for high school and college, and until this year she was happily doing so because of the kudos she got from her teachers. I am concerned now, that her only source of motivation is from praises that she receives from others. This will set her up for a lot of disappointments and unrealistic expectations in life. What can I do to help her so that she truly finds satisfaction in a job well done from within rather than compliments from others ?

This is what you can change....your well-meaning advice to go "above and beyond" is probably interpreted by your kid as pressure to "do well or else you will be a failure in life". Back off the "above and beyond". Stress effort over results. Accept and love the child you have not the child you want her to be. Make sure she is getting positive feedback in areas other than academics (sports, scouts, church, clubs, music, whatever). Change your tune now, well before high school, when mental health issues really start showing due to kids not handling the pressures put upon them.