Sort of baby fever

[Anonymous]

I think I'm sort of starting to have baby fever. I have two boys who are 6.5 and 3.5 years old. I had a c-section with my 1st, VBAC with my 2nd and got 12 weeks maternity leave with each (partially unpaid). I breastfed both for roughly 2 years including pumping until they were each at least 12 months. I have always said I'd like 2-3 kids and we've decided that we are done but aren't ready to make permanent changes or close the door 100%. I got the full "experience" of having my babies and we are moving on with the next stage of life. I've gotten rid of ALLL my baby supplies like a year ago, moved into a single family home, finally have an incredible neighborhood, and I got a new job that allows me better flexibility (it's with our local school system) so I get a month off in the summer in addition to scheduled holidays/breaks.

My experiences with my pregnancies and postpartum was overall horrible. Medically, I was fine but I believe I struggled with perinatal anxiety and my mood was all over the place. I believe I developed some postpartum depression and anxiety after returning to work due to the profound stress placed upon. My 1st employer discriminated against me when I needed to pump and ended up telling me that my breastpumping made him uncomfortable and created a 3 page policy on breastfeeding! I commuted almost an hour each way to work and I was away from my child almost 12 hours a day M-F. My 2nd pregnancy, I changed jobs between my 1st and 2nd trimester due to how horrible my job became and the transition was SO hard during my pregnancy. My body ACHED and I had to work crazy hours, weekends, and while I was 2 minutes from home....my hours at times were longer. I had no time to decompress (and my car time had become my decompress time). I experienced some discrimination there too and was told to arrange my pumping times before work, I was told again that I wasn't allowed to chart and pump so my hours became very long and I was told that I basically was doing a crappy job postpartum, shamed, and the stress resulted in me going to a counselor who indicated that it was really work related stress, not postpartum depression.

Childcare has been a HUGE, HUGE issue in my area. I was told I was a neglectful mother to my face for not sending formula and requesting that they not discard my breastmilk that i fought so hard to produce. Lost childcare, sick days, appointments....it was horrible!! In the early days, we had 2 sets of grandparents willing to drive 2 hours each way to help us for a few days when needed. We now have ZERO help as my parents are aging, my FIL died, and my MIL is disabled. We rely on friends/neighbors/community support for emergent childcare. The cost of childcare at one point even put is into debt when I was at my first job.

This was all traumatic. I keep wishing that there was more support for parents in our country and in my area because if it wasn't for all that, I would actually want a 3rd child. I'm 33 so I've got some time but not a ton of time. Despite ALLLL of this, part of me is longing for another and my husband has begun asking if I'm wanting another baby. It's totally unrealistic and there's a pandemic....so many reasons why I should NOT have another child but part of me is like...yeah, you want one.

Does anyone else struggle with this?? What have you done?

Not sure if this was the right forum but here we are.

[Anonymous]

What more support for parents do you want? If you don’t like your work benefits change jobs. You could also move if you want better childcare/school/etc (I did). Make a bigger effort to find a community - lots of people don’t live near family. You have a lot of options it just sounds like you want to complain about your relatively good situation. Confused about your post.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP. I tentatively want a third but I'm pretty sure it's impractical financially so I'm saying I'm stopping at two. But when I think about giving away the newborn stuff I just don't want to! And I've been much luckier than you in that my employers haven't totally sucked with respect to parental support, although they're somewhat constrained by the crazy US expectations that everyone should be available at all hours and six weeks off after birth is all anyone needs. I'm sorry you've been dealing with extra sucky work/daycare situations and I hope you find a path forward that works for you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What more support for parents do you want? If you don’t like your work benefits change jobs. You could also move if you want better childcare/school/etc (I did). Make a bigger effort to find a community - lots of people don’t live near family. You have a lot of options it just sounds like you want to complain about your relatively good situation. Confused about your post.

I don’t think just moving will solve the childcare issues or the issues facing parents. Having actual parental paid leave like basically every other developed country for one thing, greater support nad protection for mothers who are pumping/breastfeeding their babies, better postpartum care for mothers…many countries mothers deliver and they are provided meals for weeks, huge amounts of support and mothers in the Us literally leave the hospital and are cooking dinner for their families.

Now, I wouldn’t be making meals for myself and I’m better at advocating for my own needs postpartum so if coworkers/friends asked how to support me, I would openly say meals or gift card for a house cleaner, something lien that.

I think there’s a total lack of support for families in this country and most employers are NOT supportive. My position is MUCH more flexible now but still within the restraints of the American system.

Another thing is sick time or expectations to not take off for kids appointments/schedule it only during off items which is impossible with pediatric offices and the number of appointments needed early on. Moms start back at work with zero leave but need to take leave for appointments and are shamed for taking leave for appointments because “didn’t you have off long enough? Show some commitment to work”…I’ve seen this attitude all too often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What more support for parents do you want? If you don’t like your work benefits change jobs. You could also move if you want better childcare/school/etc (I did). Make a bigger effort to find a community - lots of people don’t live near family. You have a lot of options it just sounds like you want to complain about your relatively good situation. Confused about your post.

I don’t think just moving will solve the childcare issues or the issues facing parents. Having actual parental paid leave like basically every other developed country for one thing, greater support nad protection for mothers who are pumping/breastfeeding their babies, better postpartum care for mothers…many countries mothers deliver and they are provided meals for weeks, huge amounts of support and mothers in the Us literally leave the hospital and are cooking dinner for their families.

Now, I wouldn’t be making meals for myself and I’m better at advocating for my own needs postpartum so if coworkers/friends asked how to support me, I would openly say meals or gift card for a house cleaner, something lien that.

I think there’s a total lack of support for families in this country and most employers are NOT supportive. My position is MUCH more flexible now but still within the restraints of the American system.

Another thing is sick time or expectations to not take off for kids appointments/schedule it only during off items which is impossible with pediatric offices and the number of appointments needed early on. Moms start back at work with zero leave but need to take leave for appointments and are shamed for taking leave for appointments because “didn’t you have off long enough? Show some commitment to work”…I’ve seen this attitude all too often.

Oh and childcare…if parents got a year off or closer to it, that would save an incredible amount of money because the first year or two are always the most expensive. Then if preschool was covered like the rest of public school then that would take an extra 2 years off of parents! That is huge! That’s 3 years of incredibly expensive childcare basically taken off parents so all you’d need to arrange is backup care or some summer care….

It’s this lack of support that I’m talking about. I’m not speaking as much to my own family support, I’ve found ways around that.

[Anonymous]

I have a large gap between #2 and #3 and expected another pregnancy like my first two but honestly, the third was the easiest. I was much further along in my career and didn't feel like I had to take every late meeting and work dinner, I had better maternity leave, I worked from home (Which was much less stress on my body than I was expecting).

In all cases, the pregnancy and first year will always be temporary but I love being older and (theoretically) knowing what I'm doing and what I should demand for my baby in a way that I didn't have or know with my older two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a large gap between #2 and #3 and expected another pregnancy like my first two but honestly, the third was the easiest. I was much further along in my career and didn't feel like I had to take every late meeting and work dinner, I had better maternity leave, I worked from home (Which was much less stress on my body than I was expecting).

In all cases, the pregnancy and first year will always be temporary but I love being older and (theoretically) knowing what I'm doing and what I should demand for my baby in a way that I didn't have or know with my older two.

How old were you for your third?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What more support for parents do you want? If you don’t like your work benefits change jobs. You could also move if you want better childcare/school/etc (I did). Make a bigger effort to find a community - lots of people don’t live near family. You have a lot of options it just sounds like you want to complain about your relatively good situation. Confused about your post.

I don’t think just moving will solve the childcare issues or the issues facing parents. Having actual parental paid leave like basically every other developed country for one thing, greater support nad protection for mothers who are pumping/breastfeeding their babies, better postpartum care for mothers…many countries mothers deliver and they are provided meals for weeks, huge amounts of support and mothers in the Us literally leave the hospital and are cooking dinner for their families.

Now, I wouldn’t be making meals for myself and I’m better at advocating for my own needs postpartum so if coworkers/friends asked how to support me, I would openly say meals or gift card for a house cleaner, something lien that.

I think there’s a total lack of support for families in this country and most employers are NOT supportive. My position is MUCH more flexible now but still within the restraints of the American system.

Another thing is sick time or expectations to not take off for kids appointments/schedule it only during off items which is impossible with pediatric offices and the number of appointments needed early on. Moms start back at work with zero leave but need to take leave for appointments and are shamed for taking leave for appointments because “didn’t you have off long enough? Show some commitment to work”…I’ve seen this attitude all too often.

Oh and childcare…if parents got a year off or closer to it, that would save an incredible amount of money because the first year or two are always the most expensive. Then if preschool was covered like the rest of public school then that would take an extra 2 years off of parents! That is huge! That’s 3 years of incredibly expensive childcare basically taken off parents so all you’d need to arrange is backup care or some summer care….

It’s this lack of support that I’m talking about. I’m not speaking as much to my own family support, I’ve found ways around that.

You sound like a communist. Even Europe doesn’t offer anything remotely close to what you want the government to provide. It also seems like you’re advocating for companies to just stop hiring moms. Most companies are not Amazon - how the heck do you expect them to operate with their workforce gone 24/7 and still getting paid? We’ve also stopped believing “women” are a thing in this country- so the minute you offer benefits to women you have to offer them to men. Do you not see that this is a horrible horrible policy idea? My god you’re dumb. The government is not your savior. Sheesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What more support for parents do you want? If you don’t like your work benefits change jobs. You could also move if you want better childcare/school/etc (I did). Make a bigger effort to find a community - lots of people don’t live near family. You have a lot of options it just sounds like you want to complain about your relatively good situation. Confused about your post.

I don’t think just moving will solve the childcare issues or the issues facing parents. Having actual parental paid leave like basically every other developed country for one thing, greater support nad protection for mothers who are pumping/breastfeeding their babies, better postpartum care for mothers…many countries mothers deliver and they are provided meals for weeks, huge amounts of support and mothers in the Us literally leave the hospital and are cooking dinner for their families.

Now, I wouldn’t be making meals for myself and I’m better at advocating for my own needs postpartum so if coworkers/friends asked how to support me, I would openly say meals or gift card for a house cleaner, something lien that.

I think there’s a total lack of support for families in this country and most employers are NOT supportive. My position is MUCH more flexible now but still within the restraints of the American system.

Another thing is sick time or expectations to not take off for kids appointments/schedule it only during off items which is impossible with pediatric offices and the number of appointments needed early on. Moms start back at work with zero leave but need to take leave for appointments and are shamed for taking leave for appointments because “didn’t you have off long enough? Show some commitment to work”…I’ve seen this attitude all too often.

Oh and childcare…if parents got a year off or closer to it, that would save an incredible amount of money because the first year or two are always the most expensive. Then if preschool was covered like the rest of public school then that would take an extra 2 years off of parents! That is huge! That’s 3 years of incredibly expensive childcare basically taken off parents so all you’d need to arrange is backup care or some summer care….

It’s this lack of support that I’m talking about. I’m not speaking as much to my own family support, I’ve found ways around that.

You sound like a communist. Even Europe doesn’t offer anything remotely close to what you want the government to provide. It also seems like you’re advocating for companies to just stop hiring moms. Most companies are not Amazon - how the heck do you expect them to operate with their workforce gone 24/7 and still getting paid? We’ve also stopped believing “women” are a thing in this country- so the minute you offer benefits to women you have to offer them to men. Do you not see that this is a horrible horrible policy idea? My god you’re dumb. The government is not your savior. Sheesh.

Oh and to use the Left’s mantra on vaccine mandates: you’re not entitled to a job. If you don’t want to comply with your company’s policies, find a different one! Easy peasy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a large gap between #2 and #3 and expected another pregnancy like my first two but honestly, the third was the easiest. I was much further along in my career and didn't feel like I had to take every late meeting and work dinner, I had better maternity leave, I worked from home (Which was much less stress on my body than I was expecting).

In all cases, the pregnancy and first year will always be temporary but I love being older and (theoretically) knowing what I'm doing and what I should demand for my baby in a way that I didn't have or know with my older two.

How old were you for your third?

38 when conceived, 39 when I delivered. 30 and 33 for the first two

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What more support for parents do you want? If you don’t like your work benefits change jobs. You could also move if you want better childcare/school/etc (I did). Make a bigger effort to find a community - lots of people don’t live near family. You have a lot of options it just sounds like you want to complain about your relatively good situation. Confused about your post.

I don’t think just moving will solve the childcare issues or the issues facing parents. Having actual parental paid leave like basically every other developed country for one thing, greater support nad protection for mothers who are pumping/breastfeeding their babies, better postpartum care for mothers…many countries mothers deliver and they are provided meals for weeks, huge amounts of support and mothers in the Us literally leave the hospital and are cooking dinner for their families.

Now, I wouldn’t be making meals for myself and I’m better at advocating for my own needs postpartum so if coworkers/friends asked how to support me, I would openly say meals or gift card for a house cleaner, something lien that.

I think there’s a total lack of support for families in this country and most employers are NOT supportive. My position is MUCH more flexible now but still within the restraints of the American system.

Another thing is sick time or expectations to not take off for kids appointments/schedule it only during off items which is impossible with pediatric offices and the number of appointments needed early on. Moms start back at work with zero leave but need to take leave for appointments and are shamed for taking leave for appointments because “didn’t you have off long enough? Show some commitment to work”…I’ve seen this attitude all too often.

Oh and childcare…if parents got a year off or closer to it, that would save an incredible amount of money because the first year or two are always the most expensive. Then if preschool was covered like the rest of public school then that would take an extra 2 years off of parents! That is huge! That’s 3 years of incredibly expensive childcare basically taken off parents so all you’d need to arrange is backup care or some summer care….

It’s this lack of support that I’m talking about. I’m not speaking as much to my own family support, I’ve found ways around that.

You sound like a communist. Even Europe doesn’t offer anything remotely close to what you want the government to provide. It also seems like you’re advocating for companies to just stop hiring moms. Most companies are not Amazon - how the heck do you expect them to operate with their workforce gone 24/7 and still getting paid? We’ve also stopped believing “women” are a thing in this country- so the minute you offer benefits to women you have to offer them to men. Do you not see that this is a horrible horrible policy idea? My god you’re dumb. The government is not your savior. Sheesh.

Oh and to use the Left’s mantra on vaccine mandates: you’re not entitled to a job. If you don’t want to comply with your company’s policies, find a different one! Easy peasy.

WTF?! I'm not a communist. Um no, most of the world offers a significant amount of paid parental leave that parents can split. Parents often receive better postpartum care in other countries with extra follow-up visits postpartum and overall better care that has better outcomes for mothers and babies. The poor care that mothers receive in the US compared to other developed countries is very well documented. Many countries also offer preschool to all children, this isn't a radical idea. Move the f. on.

[Anonymous]

A third is basically a luxury product after 2 healthy kids. It would not be my choice and our childcare policies certainly won't support it. The heart wants what the heart wants is it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What more support for parents do you want? If you don’t like your work benefits change jobs. You could also move if you want better childcare/school/etc (I did). Make a bigger effort to find a community - lots of people don’t live near family. You have a lot of options it just sounds like you want to complain about your relatively good situation. Confused about your post.

I don’t think just moving will solve the childcare issues or the issues facing parents. Having actual parental paid leave like basically every other developed country for one thing, greater support nad protection for mothers who are pumping/breastfeeding their babies, better postpartum care for mothers…many countries mothers deliver and they are provided meals for weeks, huge amounts of support and mothers in the Us literally leave the hospital and are cooking dinner for their families.

Now, I wouldn’t be making meals for myself and I’m better at advocating for my own needs postpartum so if coworkers/friends asked how to support me, I would openly say meals or gift card for a house cleaner, something lien that.

I think there’s a total lack of support for families in this country and most employers are NOT supportive. My position is MUCH more flexible now but still within the restraints of the American system.

Another thing is sick time or expectations to not take off for kids appointments/schedule it only during off items which is impossible with pediatric offices and the number of appointments needed early on. Moms start back at work with zero leave but need to take leave for appointments and are shamed for taking leave for appointments because “didn’t you have off long enough? Show some commitment to work”…I’ve seen this attitude all too often.

Oh and childcare…if parents got a year off or closer to it, that would save an incredible amount of money because the first year or two are always the most expensive. Then if preschool was covered like the rest of public school then that would take an extra 2 years off of parents! That is huge! That’s 3 years of incredibly expensive childcare basically taken off parents so all you’d need to arrange is backup care or some summer care….

It’s this lack of support that I’m talking about. I’m not speaking as much to my own family support, I’ve found ways around that.

You sound like a communist. Even Europe doesn’t offer anything remotely close to what you want the government to provide. It also seems like you’re advocating for companies to just stop hiring moms. Most companies are not Amazon - how the heck do you expect them to operate with their workforce gone 24/7 and still getting paid? We’ve also stopped believing “women” are a thing in this country- so the minute you offer benefits to women you have to offer them to men. Do you not see that this is a horrible horrible policy idea? My god you’re dumb. The government is not your savior. Sheesh.

Oh and to use the Left’s mantra on vaccine mandates: you’re not entitled to a job. If you don’t want to comply with your company’s policies, find a different one! Easy peasy.

WTF?! I'm not a communist. Um no, most of the world offers a significant amount of paid parental leave that parents can split. Parents often receive better postpartum care in other countries with extra follow-up visits postpartum and overall better care that has better outcomes for mothers and babies. The poor care that mothers receive in the US compared to other developed countries is very well documented. Many countries also offer preschool to all children, this isn't a radical idea. Move the f. on.

Don’t let that person get to you. Yes, moms do not get enough support in this country, but that will not change, so it’s best not to dwell.

I think if you are healthy and you can financially support a third, you should go for it. I think you are looking at the obstacles instead of focusing on the possibilities. If you really want a third, you may always look back in regret if you don’t at least give it a try. You only get one shot at life, and life is short. Live it up. Do what makes you happy. You will figure the rest out just like you did the other two times. If you need to move, you will do it. If you need to make more friends, you can do that. Nothing is easy but when you really want something, it’s worth giving it your all!

[Anonymous]

With a 3.5 year old? Nah. Don't delay on making it permanent see the thread with all the "accidental" 40s pregnancies that really aren't accidental they just got lazy.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're right, this country has crappy support for families/new mothers compared to other developed countries. All the people on this thread who pretend like the economy will shut down if people get a year of parental leave have clearly never been outside of America.

That said, there are legal protections in the US for pumping at work (part of Obamacare) and it sounds like both of your employers might have violated those. https://www.womenshealth.gov/supporting-nursing-moms-work/what-law-says-about-breastfeeding-and-work. In DC there is already free preschool for 3- and 4-year-olds, not sure where you live.

For a while I thought I wanted a third, but I decided I couldn't handle the pregnancy/newborn phase again. If I could snap my fingers and have a 6 month old, maybe. Anyway. I've decided two is the right number for us and I've made my peace with it.