How to deal with highly irritable, negative person

[Anonymous]

My cousin, who I am really close with has become incredibly irritable over the last few years. He will get upset if someone is too slow to make a turn, if he has to wait a few minutes for a bridge to come down, etc.

He’s highly sensitive to smells (hand sanitizer, lotion drive him nuts), sounds (kids talking to parents). He hates listening to any kind of conflict (for example if I’m being firm with my kids about something). Hes also very negative about himself and wants to stay home all day. I’ll invite him to dinner, golf, the pool, whatever, and I get the impression he’d rather be home napping, reading, watching TV. Zero interest in anything new. Will ignore social calls from other friends / family. Won’t travel. He’s divorced BTW and was able to retire a few years ago.

I love my cousin dearly and it seems there’s something very wrong. I don’t know how to help. What would you do?

[Anonymous]

He just sounds like an introvert to me. Leave him be.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if he’s depressed and also suffering from a high level of anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Is this a new onset? How was he different in the past? It sounds like you are very close and perhaps he is more open to your company than he is to others - do you have the kind of relationship where you can gently talk to him about this?

If he hasn’t always been like this then he might be experiencing depression and/or anxiety. Does he have any medical conditions that cause pain, or medication that might cause irritability?

I would wait until you witness the next outburst and then begin a conversation in a subsequent calm moment - “John, I’ve been wanting to talk to you about this for a little while but have hesitated to say anything because I don’t want to overstep or invade your privacy. But I haven’t seen your smile in such a long time, and I don’t see you enjoying the things that you used to. Something seems to have changed since you retired/the divorce/cuz. I care about you so much and just want to check in and see what you think.”

[Anonymous]

Truthfully he just wants to be be alone. Let him be.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like anxiety and depression.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he has health issues he's not telling you about. I'm like that. I cannot handle smells, especially hand sanitizer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like anxiety and depression.

+2 I’m so jealous of OP who obviously has no idea what these conditions look like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this a new onset? How was he different in the past? It sounds like you are very close and perhaps he is more open to your company than he is to others - do you have the kind of relationship where you can gently talk to him about this?

If he hasn’t always been like this then he might be experiencing depression and/or anxiety. Does he have any medical conditions that cause pain, or medication that might cause irritability?

I would wait until you witness the next outburst and then begin a conversation in a subsequent calm moment - “John, I’ve been wanting to talk to you about this for a little while but have hesitated to say anything because I don’t want to overstep or invade your privacy. But I haven’t seen your smile in such a long time, and I don’t see you enjoying the things that you used to. Something seems to have changed since you retired/the divorce/cuz. I care about you so much and just want to check in and see what you think.”

This. you seem close I suggest bringing it up to him. My other suggestion is to try leaving your kids at home when you spend time with him.

[Anonymous]

Sick of precious people getting away with being a-holes. Seriously. I’m one and I have ways to mitigate (tell him about DCUM, for starters).

John, you’re kinda being an a-hole. If you aren’t ok with that I have some ideas. If you are, then I’ll see you at thanksgiving, the festival of a-holes.

[Anonymous]

These are all symptoms of menopause. He's lucky he doesn't have hot flashes as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sick of precious people getting away with being a-holes. Seriously. I’m one and I have ways to mitigate (tell him about DCUM, for starters).

John, you’re kinda being an a-hole. If you aren’t ok with that I have some ideas. If you are, then I’ll see you at thanksgiving, the festival of a-holes.

I kind of agree with this. And I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety and have empathy for anyone going through that (and agree that could be the problem here). But you can’t take it out on others. Not only is it hurtful to them, it drives away your support system and makes thing worse. And also: no one has a right to be a constant ahole to others.

I also feel there’s a gendered element here because I don’t think a female family member would get away with this behavior without being called out directly or ostracized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sick of precious people getting away with being a-holes. Seriously. I’m one and I have ways to mitigate (tell him about DCUM, for starters).

John, you’re kinda being an a-hole. If you aren’t ok with that I have some ideas. If you are, then I’ll see you at thanksgiving, the festival of a-holes.

I kind of agree with this. And I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety and have empathy for anyone going through that (and agree that could be the problem here). But you can’t take it out on others. Not only is it hurtful to them, it drives away your support system and makes thing worse. And also: no one has a right to be a constant ahole to others.

I also feel there’s a gendered element here because I don’t think a female family member would get away with this behavior without being called out directly or ostracized.

No. The behavior sounds a lot like my ex-wife (she was actually far worse). She got away with it for 20 years with me, and with the rest of the world for 50 years.

[Anonymous]

This is my husband. It is undiagnosed and untreated anxiety and a bit of situational depression. It is extremely hard. I see a therapist to get help dealing with it because he won't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is my husband. It is undiagnosed and untreated anxiety and a bit of situational depression. It is extremely hard. I see a therapist to get help dealing with it because he won't.

in the same boat. if we didn't have kids, i would be gone.