WWYD: Found out there was drinking and weed at Halloween Party (DD 15)

[Anonymous]

DD is in 10th grade and I found out the the "new crowd" she's been hanging with does some drinking and likely weed too. She's happy to be back in school and they seem to be nice kids, but don't like the fact at they are already doing this stuff in 10th grade. I would understand if they were seniors or even juniors, but they seem too young for this. One of the girls posted about how wasted she was last night after the Halloween party on snap. WTF?!?! I asked my daughter about this last night and she admitted that there was alcohol there, but she didn't drink or smoke. She did come home with her eyes swollen and red, but she said she had been crying. Hmmm, not sure I believe that...

She's my oldest, so not exactly sure how to handle. This group has been getting together every weekend since the start of the school year, so I'm sure she'll want to hang with them soon. I know I cannot control her friend group, but any advise on how to proceed. She's a good kid, but feel like she could easily be peer pressured. Ugh!

[Anonymous]

Let her know they can hang out at your house. If she is vehemently opposed your hunches may be correct. How is she getting to and from the hangouts? Be on the lookout for the red eyes, overly minty breath, etc.

[Anonymous]

Too much, too early. No more house parties with this group. Whether her eyes were red and swollen from pot or from crying, clearly something was wrong.
She can meet them in public places, hang out after school, invite them to your house. If there are some kids with parents that you know and trust, she can go there. But parties with kids getting wasted and enough pot to redden eyes are just asking for trouble.

She will beg, yell, call you names, try to sneak off to see them, lie about where she's going. But you have to be the parent. There are lots of bad things that can happen to 15 year old girls at out-of-control parties. Talk to her and keep the conversation lines open, but be prepared to be stand firm.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, 15 was when I and the majority of kids started experimenting. There is no way for you to stop it. Might be able to curb it slightly, but where there’s a will there’s a way.

[Anonymous]

I feel like I'm going to be in the minority on this but I would say keep letting her hang out with them but with strict limits to keep her safe. Early curfew, you pick her up. I say this because I have a feeling that if you ban her from hanging out with them she will likely push you away and lie about where she is to hang out with them, which will put her in more unsafe situations. Also if you haven't already make sure you are talking with her about safe drinking practices and how getting "wasted" is unsafe because of both external dangers (drunk driving, making her more vulnerable to assault, etc.) and internal dangers (alcohol poisoning, damaging to young brain, inability to function with a hangover).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, 15 was when I and the majority of kids started experimenting. There is no way for you to stop it. Might be able to curb it slightly, but where there’s a will there’s a way.

That kind of determined behavior doesn't sound like experimentation. If your kid, at 15, is willing to break all rules and face all consequences, just to get some pot, you may have a bigger problem on your hands.

[Anonymous]

I would not allow that at all. I know some families have kids who will sneak out no matter what, and as a result they have to accept some level of drugs and alcohol, as well as the risk of assault that is always associated with those situations, but I hope I've raised my teens well enough all these years that they can trust me, and we can work to never put them in situations where they have no control.

[Anonymous]

So she was totally smoking weed. I think you know that in your gut.

What I would do is let her hang out with them but no sleepovers and you tell her that you will be seeing her and noticing all the things every time she gets home. You set a curfew and (sorry) you wait up for her or you have her wake you every time she gets home. If you see the signs of drinking/weed, there will be consequences. And then follow through.

She can hang out with them and not partake.

[Anonymous]

Right there with you but my son is 14. Same thing. And he has tried different things. Hates the alcohol but thinks "vaping" is a healthy alternative (to what???). Ugh.

I have worked hard to make my house the place people hang out, so I can watch what's going on. Keep talking about the dangers. That stuff can have fentanyl mixed in and nobody knows. Just a little of that can kill you.

I also offer to be the driver everywhere. That helps me get to meet my son's friends, know where kids live, where they are going, etc.

I also expected this when he was older -- 16 or so. But it seems pervasive even among Freshmen, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I'm going to be in the minority on this but I would say keep letting her hang out with them but with strict limits to keep her safe. Early curfew, you pick her up. I say this because I have a feeling that if you ban her from hanging out with them she will likely push you away and lie about where she is to hang out with them, which will put her in more unsafe situations. Also if you haven't already make sure you are talking with her about safe drinking practices and how getting "wasted" is unsafe because of both external dangers (drunk driving, making her more vulnerable to assault, etc.) and internal dangers (alcohol poisoning, damaging to young brain, inability to function with a hangover).

^^ I agree with the 2 PPs. This is normal teenage behavior, so arm her with knowledge.

I was up to way, way worse than this at 15 and I’m mostly functional. =)

[Anonymous]

You are the parent and you must set limits. You should have a rule that she leaves parties when alcohol and pot come out. She can see these kids at other places. You should call the parents of whoever hosted the party and ask what went on. She should not go to any other parties. She can get together with them during the day or for a movie where you pick her up after. I would have her doctor talk to her about the risks of these substances. She’s at a very high risk of sexual assault in these situations. She won’t like it, but you set the limits. It’s not okay when she’s 16 or 17, either. If you don’t put an end to it she gets the messsge that you’re okay with it. Pot is very strong these days, and who knows what it’s laced with.

Keep talking to her, keep the connection with her as much as you can, but don’t let it happen. There might well be a part of her that is glad she can tell her friends that her parents don’t let her go to parties unless they know the parents are supervising. This is your job. Protect her. Guide her. Hold the line.

[Anonymous]

This is a fork in the road OP. Either she keeps telling you what's going on and you work through it together. Or she goes deep underground and you have zero clue what's happening and no chance of guiding her.

The goal isn't to ditch the friend. The goal is for her to make good decisions for herself in any group she is in. And if eventually that decision is these are not friends for me, then great.

[Anonymous]

Drug test her at home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Drug test her at home

Yup, this. And let her know it will be a regular practice—that gives her an out—she can tell her friends that she can’t partake because she’s regularly tested.

[Anonymous]

This is when teens start to experiment. There really isn't a way to contain this.

I would have a serious conversation with her about 1) never driving under the influence or getting in a car with someone under the influence, 2) that she can always call you to come get her and you will not be mad, no questions asked, and 3) discuss protecting herself from unwanted advances and what can happen to your judgement if you drink too much or take too many altering substances.