WWYD travel and drive in car with or without MIL
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Anonymous
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WWYD in this situation - a bunch of my in law family are traveling to attend an event that a family member is a part of. We are not coordinating travel or anything like that, just all are planning to attend this event one evening.
My DH and I decided to attend this event as well and also bring our young child along. We booked a hotel for a few extra days and decided to make a short family vacation of it. We also happen to live near my in laws but did not coordinate our trip with them aside from letting them know we were planning to attend the event and that we were bringing our child too. My in laws did end up asking what hotel we are staying at etc… and have decided to book at the same. For some background I do have some boundary issues with my MIL that have much improved over the last couple years as I have practiced being more direct with her and saying no (which I have always struggled with and am trying to practice being better at), and also by letting my DH handle most coordination communication with her. To keep the backstory short - there were various behaviors that I had issues with that have now been remedied by setting expectations with her including coming by our house without giving a heads up, letting us know she will join us on family trips without asking first, expecting us to go over every weekend and also every federal holiday etc (my MIL cherishes her role as a grandmother which I appreciate but it also comes with the territory where she wants to be involved in everything our child does which is just a lot to navigate). My MIL also ends up solo a lot because she and her spouse very much have the type of marriage where they are essentially two people each living their solo parallel lives versus partners. Anyway, so back to this trip… we purposefully did not coordinate the trip with our in laws because we don’t see it as that type of a trip. I also have other family and friends in the city we are going to and want to keep things open. We also decided to drive to and from to have more control of our schedule and to have flexibility with our young child My DH just informed me that his mother asked if she could get a ride with us (as her spouse will be coming from another city and not be traveling with her… this happens a lot). What is coming up for me is that this might rapidly turn into an extended family in law trip which is not what I wanted. I really do not want to spend the whole car ride of many hours with her to the same hotel, then see her at the event, then possibly be expected to drive her back. Also the following week is Thanksgiving and we will be seeing her so I am worried we are just going to be around each other too much. But really truth be told I just don’t want to be in a car with her for half a day. I know that if it bothers me that much to ride in our car with her then the answer can just be no, but then again it just seems awful to say no to her when she will otherwise have to travel alone (there is a direct train). Uhg, if I say yes I am concerned I will be annoyed and then it will also affect my time with her at the event etc…. In previous years when we have stayed in the same hotel as her she comes and visits the room uninvited numerous times a day. I know I clearly have some emotional baggage with my MIL and I am honestly trying to work on my part in it all and get better at maintaining a boundary while remaining compassionate. WWYD - say no, say yes and suck it up, or maybe a third option I’m not seeing? Thanks - |
Anonymous
| Were they told you would be staying a few extra days? Did they book a few extra days as well? |
Anonymous
| You’re going to be stressed the whole time. The answer is no. |
Anonymous
| Make plans to see one of your friends/family along the way. |
Anonymous
OP here. DH tells me MIL does know we are staying extra days but I don’t know if that’s what she’s doing too… This is a great question though and it just prompted me to bring up these details with him. He says he will ask and get clear. To add some color - this is all new territory for him too… handling the communication and also just communicating details period whether to me or with his parents. |
Anonymous
| How does she know you are staying longer? |
Anonymous
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I 100% see where you are coming from, and understand your feelings.
My question is: is it possible that she is getting frail/afraid to drive? My parents and ILs are both reaching that stage of life, and I have compassion for that. If you say no, she’s in her 60s and doing great and drives often including distances just fine, then I think you can say no with no guilt. But if you even remotely suspect that driving alone would be a burden for her, it would be an act of care and kindness to the mother of your husband to bring her along. And if I may…I try to deal with my IL issues in a constructive way, and one tool I have in my back pocket (doctor prescribed) is 5mg Valium. In a situation like a daylong car ride, I’d take two and be still able to drive and fully participate, but it takes the edge off of my anxiety leading up to seeing them. In case that is remotely helpful for you to consider. |
Anonymous
OP here - DH says she asked and he told her a little while back. He did not ask her any questions or continue the conversation with her at the time though. |
Anonymous
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Honestly. This sounds like my MIL and I probably would take the path of least resistance and drive with her. As the other poster said, it’s a kindness to let an older person drive with you versus taking the train. But you have the right to do what you need also. If that doesn’t sound right, then just say it doesn’t work. Blame the kid — gets carsick and needs frequent stops or whatever.
If you do decide to drive with her then switch hotels or adjust plans or whatever it takes so your extended weekend is in-law free. |
Anonymous
Op here - thanks for your feedback. I think she is right on the edge - she drives often and does do long distances but she prefers not too. I don’t think she would consider driving to this city without us and would otherwise take the train. That would be a slight burden because she would need to navigate to/from the train station but otherwise I think this might be more about traveling alone or with us. And haha about the tool. I can appreciate that approach. |
Anonymous
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I would switch hotels and not mention anything until you get there.
I would probably agree to give her a ride because it seems petty not to and she is old. Do you even have room in your car though? Is she going to sit in the back with your kids? |
Anonymous
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What I'd say is "of course we can take you there, but we won't be able to drive you home too."
That way she can spend time in the car chatting with her grandchild. And if she asks to tag along with you beyond the family event just say "Sorry, we've already made plans and that won't work. Kiddo, give Grandma a hug goodbye! Have a safe trip home and we'll see you on Thanksgiving." |
Anonymous
Np I would ask myself what is the kindness thing can I do? This is your husband's mother. Surely, you can sit in a car with her? How would you feel if you were the MIL and your D IL said even though we are staying at the same hotel, going to the same event we need to go separately? Choose to be kind. |
Anonymous
dp I think that is mean. I hope if that is how you treat others than you get treated the same way. This is your husband's mom, not some random stranger. |
Anonymous
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MIL is trying to glom onto OP’s family trip, and MIL has a history of doing this.
OP can just say that they got a better deal at X hotel and decided to move there. Why should it matter unless MIL was planning on monopolizing their time in this city? |