I’ve cut off my sister through pure jealousy and I suck

[Anonymous]

Backstory: I discovered at 31 that my (deceased) mother had had a child at 16. My half-sister contacted us at the point, because she’d discovered she had leukemia and was hoping to find a bone-marrow match.

She turned out to be a lovely person, very rich, very kind, very skinny and elegant and beautiful. By comparison, I’m dumpy, work a mid-paying job, am a lifelong renter, and am rather introverted and shy. We live utterly different lives. Honestly I feel like crap whenever I’m around my half-sister, despite how nice she is.

She tried really hard to get to know me, inviting me and my son on excursions, dinners, etc. But every time I’d leave with a knot of jealousy in my mind. I’ve never invited her over because I’m embarrassed of our dingy tiny apartment, as compared to her beautiful AUP home.

Part of the problem is that our (shared) mother died when I was six. I grew up imagining that my mother would always be proud of me, no matter how mediocre my life. And now I feel like I’ve met the sister my mother really *would* be proud of, the sucessful beautiful happy one, and it’s just so hard to be around her. I haven’t reached out in 8 months now.

I’m not sure if I’m looking for advice or just venting some festering guilt. Please feel free to tell me I’m a bad person, or if there’s any hope for mending bridges.

[Anonymous]

Adopted persons have issues just like anyone else. Maybe more. Her life is not perfect. Are you happy at all? Did meeting her change you in any other way? Everyone says therapy. So do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adopted persons have issues just like anyone else. Maybe more. Her life is not perfect. Are you happy at all? Did meeting her change you in any other way? Everyone says therapy. So do that.

I'm therapy, yes. As to your first question, no, I'm not especially happy. Meeting her primarily made me feel that she's the daughter my mother would've really wanted, especially since she had my half-sister at just sixteen and had no choice about giving her up for adoption (it was the early sixties).

[Anonymous]

I'm adopted. Connecting with bio family members is complicated for both sides. I'm sorry you are struggling with it. Maintaining a relationship with her is not required. It is not unusual for there to be a brief honeymoon period when first connecting and things fizzle out. Sometimes boundaries get crossed and one side pulls away. Some have no interest in connecting at all.

She is ill and reached out due to increased chance of survival. She may feel guilty for any emotional pain she has caused you due to reaching out.

[Anonymous]

There is a very good chance that your sister has abandonment issues and a sense of deep loss about not being a part of her birth family. Being wealthy and pretty can’t make up for being placed for adoption and the issues that come with that.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you need therapy, bad. You are inventing all of these problems yourself.

You're so self-centered that you didn't even follow up on the freaking leukemia diagnosis in your post. Is your sister still alive? What happened with her? Also, you obviously don't want her life, she has leukemia!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you need therapy, bad. You are inventing all of these problems yourself.

You're so self-centered that you didn't even follow up on the freaking leukemia diagnosis in your post. Is your sister still alive? What happened with her? Also, you obviously don't want her life, she has leukemia!

Her leukemia is in remission, but it's true: I have not followed up in many months to see how she's doing.

As for my own life, I have cancer as well; we share a gene mutation that caused both our cases.

[Anonymous]

You must know that you are still feeling the effects of losing your mother at a young age. That can have life long reverberations. You are the child she was taking care of when she died and you must have been one of the most important things in her life. See if you can work through that grief, in what ever form it is there for you. Don't worry about your half sister right now. Just work to right your own ship, if not for yourself but for you child (who can probably feel that you are not happy.) Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
She turned out to be a lovely person, very rich, very kind, very skinny and elegant and beautiful. By comparison, I’m dumpy, work a mid-paying job, am a lifelong renter, and am rather introverted and shy. We live utterly different lives. Honestly I feel like crap whenever I’m around my half-sister, despite how nice she is.

,,,

Part of the problem is that our (shared) mother died when I was six. I grew up imagining that my mother would always be proud of me, no matter how mediocre my life. And now I feel like I’ve met the sister my mother really *would* be proud of, the sucessful beautiful happy one, and it’s just so hard to be around her. I haven’t reached out in 8 months now.

Sorry me again. One more post and I'll stop hogging your thread. I was reading your OP and something seemed off. I realized you were comparing yourself to your half sister and evaluating you both in the way the world would measure you. But as a mom, I have to tell you that is not what loving mothers and families do. Yes, we are proud of outward accomplishments and appearances, but we also try to understand the details in each child that makes them unique. Maybe it's a funny way they tell jokes, or how they are always ready with a hug, or some hobby that is unique to them. You're mom would be proud of you because you are her child. Doesn't matter if another child has more worldly accomplishments. Yes, she would be proud of how your half sister turned out, but that doesn't mean she wouldn't be proud of you. That's not how moms work.

[Anonymous]

You know what's funny? You're judging yourself SO much more harshly than either your mother ever did, or your half-sister does.

I'm fat, OP. Like full on obese. And I'm a renter too and probably always will be. I have a mid-paying job because I can't go to college - my learning disabilities are so severe that I literally can't learn enough to pass classes, even in a community college.

But I'm a kind person. I volunteer. I'm a great listener. Solid friend. And those things are worth something. Someone is not automatically better than me because they have a fast metabolism and won the genetic lottery on looks. Maybe they don't compost OR recycle. Maybe they fart and blame others for the smell. Maybe they pick their nose and wipe it on clothes while shopping. Maybe they're thin and beautiful and genuinely good people who never fart - who knows? But enough people in life will put you down - don't put yourself down too.

[Anonymous]

So your very very very rich half sister lives in AUP as in AU Park? Not McLean or Woodley heights or Potomac?

Talk w a therapist so you stop beating yourself up about this or anyone else that looks better, makes more money, “is supposedly happier”, or runs faster than you.

It’s hard since you’re taking this so personally and dwelling on it. Rise up and be yourself.

[Anonymous]

You should work on your issues in therapy and then get to know your sister.

Her presence in your life may end up being a a major gift to you AND your son if you can see past your issues with comparing yourself to her. She could potentially be an aunt to your son and a sister to you -- and you the same to her and her family. Take this incredible opportunity and run with it.

[Anonymous]

Wait, so did you donate your bone marrow to her then OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, so did you donate your bone marrow to her then OP?

I know! Did she find a match?? Poor woman!

[Anonymous]

OP, as a mom, you must know that we don't love our kids based on the boxes they check. Your mom loved you so much for the person you are, not because she wanted you to be skinny or rich or a homeowner.

You don't have to bond with your half-sister, but it sounds like it could be a nice thing, especially since you are both struggling with the same disease.