Help with 10th grader who won't step up - what are alternatives? anyone with experience?

[Anonymous]

older child was of a different mindset - this is new to us; feeling dysfunctional

At beginning of school year, DS was in a good place with past rigorous course selection and good grades (some were hard for him to attain but he managed). He is now tanking in all but two classes and seems to not have a care. Rarely turns in work on time. Has to spend weekend digging out from under the deluge. Encouraging him to "own it" has backfired. Dropping ECs, has taken time mgmt class, secured a tutor. He doesn't seem to care about college (thinks he will succeed with own biz). If this continues, what are choices?

-change courses to regular pace versions (unsure if it is too late)
-try to get him into an independent, smaller HS...would any even accept him?
-therapy - what kind (doesn't seem depressed so much as clueless; obviously overwhelmed); don't think he has any LD but could test to rule out
-home school or online school (spouse and I are stretched work wise and already spending too much time of late trying to manage his schedule/work)
-drop out next semester to do some sort of work or experience and hope he matures

What do other parents do? If he gets a few Cs/Ds or fails, there probably isn't time in the summer to repeat them all.

Thx for any advice!

[Anonymous]

Drug test and mental health evaluation.

[Anonymous]

Get a grip. A few Cs or Ds (or Es) isn’t the end of the world. It’s what *gasp* many kids get. You can’t drop out - compulsory education until 18. At the quarter change, drop from Honors to on level in any course that is actually a struggle (not just because he’s not turning in work.) Warn that if he may need to start at community college or go into a trade if he doesn’t step it up. It’s his life. Better to flop now than while paying $50k+/year at college.

[Anonymous]

He can switch to on level classes at the semester.

[Anonymous]

You could also (later, after things calm down) help him explore his business ideas. He might be right. But it does sound like you should explore learning disabilities and mental health first. But if ultimately he’s interested in business not school, support him in that like you’d support him in anything else.

[Anonymous]

I would tell him that pursuing a business idea is great but that he still needs a high school education and most likely some business courses at community college. I also like the idea of therapy and perhaps testing for a latent learning disability or anxiety. Something has triggered this meltdown and he may find that sharing with someone other than mom feels less risky. I hate saying that as a mom but kids don’t want to share with us sometimes bc they feel judged or like they’re disappointing us. Hugs and good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Drug test and mental health evaluation.

+1 This. Pandemic return to "normal" at school has been super challenging for some kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:older child was of a different mindset - this is new to us; feeling dysfunctional

At beginning of school year, DS was in a good place with past rigorous course selection and good grades (some were hard for him to attain but he managed). He is now tanking in all but two classes and seems to not have a care. Rarely turns in work on time. Has to spend weekend digging out from under the deluge. Encouraging him to "own it" has backfired. Dropping ECs, has taken time mgmt class, secured a tutor. He doesn't seem to care about college (thinks he will succeed with own biz). If this continues, what are choices?

-change courses to regular pace versions (unsure if it is too late)
-try to get him into an independent, smaller HS...would any even accept him?
-therapy - what kind (doesn't seem depressed so much as clueless; obviously overwhelmed); don't think he has any LD but could test to rule out
-home school or online school (spouse and I are stretched work wise and already spending too much time of late trying to manage his schedule/work)
-drop out next semester to do some sort of work or experience and hope he matures

What do other parents do? If he gets a few Cs/Ds or fails, there probably isn't time in the summer to repeat them all.

Thx for any advice!

Sounds like my son with ADHD. Have you talked to his school counselor. Loop them in on the issue. They've seen it before.

I will say once they get really far behind, the mere thought of trying to catch up and succeed can be overwhelming. They don't see the way out, so they just stop caring. Like me, I'll never be a size 2 movie star who can sing, right? Why even try? That's how a lot of kids feel when they get so behind. The hole is too big to dig out of.

I agree with PP who said the transition to "real" life after a pandemic is hard on a lot of kids. My son has 3 As, 2Bs, and 2Ds right now and I'm completely fine with that. He's getting his organizational skill set back on track. He's learning to plan better. He's learning to prioritize. I already see progress from the beginning of the year and think the next quarter will be better. Be open to changing your own priorities for him, too.

I would do a few things:

1) talk to his counselor.
2) talk to teachers in the classes he's struggling in.
3) talk to him and see what "he" wants. Maybe he's aching to tell you he doesn't want this rigorous course load but felt that was the only acceptable path. If not, work with the counselor to see if anything can be changed at this point.
4) get him assessed for depression and anxiety. It could be something as simple as being too nervous to ask a teacher for help. Social anxiety in particular can do that.
5) think about an evaluation for ADHD or LDs. This is harder to get an older kid to buy into. Which is why I listed it further down the list.

[Anonymous]

this has all been great advice and I thank you for your perspective (tough to sort out when in the midst)
we will schedule a school counselor appt. first and dive deeper with teachers (already consulted for most part but just on the surface)
you're right, I do need to move off of my own priorities where he is concerned

Anyone have testing recommendation; I know there are a lot of choices in the area?

[Anonymous]

What did letting him own it look like? And how long did you try that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:older child was of a different mindset - this is new to us; feeling dysfunctional

At beginning of school year, DS was in a good place with past rigorous course selection and good grades (some were hard for him to attain but he managed). He is now tanking in all but two classes and seems to not have a care. Rarely turns in work on time. Has to spend weekend digging out from under the deluge. Encouraging him to "own it" has backfired. Dropping ECs, has taken time mgmt class, secured a tutor. He doesn't seem to care about college (thinks he will succeed with own biz). If this continues, what are choices?

-change courses to regular pace versions (unsure if it is too late)
-try to get him into an independent, smaller HS...would any even accept him?
-therapy - what kind (doesn't seem depressed so much as clueless; obviously overwhelmed); don't think he has any LD but could test to rule out
-home school or online school (spouse and I are stretched work wise and already spending too much time of late trying to manage his schedule/work)
-drop out next semester to do some sort of work or experience and hope he matures

What do other parents do? If he gets a few Cs/Ds or fails, there probably isn't time in the summer to repeat them all.

Thx for any advice!

Sounds like my son with ADHD. Have you talked to his school counselor. Loop them in on the issue. They've seen it before.

I will say once they get really far behind, the mere thought of trying to catch up and succeed can be overwhelming. They don't see the way out, so they just stop caring. Like me, I'll never be a size 2 movie star who can sing, right? Why even try? That's how a lot of kids feel when they get so behind. The hole is too big to dig out of.

I agree with PP who said the transition to "real" life after a pandemic is hard on a lot of kids. My son has 3 As, 2Bs, and 2Ds right now and I'm completely fine with that. He's getting his organizational skill set back on track. He's learning to plan better. He's learning to prioritize. I already see progress from the beginning of the year and think the next quarter will be better. Be open to changing your own priorities for him, too.

I would do a few things:

1) talk to his counselor.
2) talk to teachers in the classes he's struggling in.
3) talk to him and see what "he" wants. Maybe he's aching to tell you he doesn't want this rigorous course load but felt that was the only acceptable path. If not, work with the counselor to see if anything can be changed at this point.
4) get him assessed for depression and anxiety. It could be something as simple as being too nervous to ask a teacher for help. Social anxiety in particular can do that.
5) think about an evaluation for ADHD or LDs. This is harder to get an older kid to buy into. Which is why I listed it further down the list.

Agree with this PP. My son is very bright, but perpetually behind in classes, often doesn't know where to begin. This has gotten exponentially worse the last 18 months. He has diagnosed ADHD and we're getting him an executive function tutor to help him figure out the best way for him to get organized. After countless battles, cajoling, sitting next to him as he does his work, a third party expert who is not emotionally involved will be better for all. At least we hope!!

He's in 8th grade and we've already had discussions that 4 year university may not be for him. At the very least, a gap year is likely in his future (a year of working or volunteering, not just playing video games) to help him mature a bit more. He's also expressed interest in Thomas Edison High School programs. DH is really struggling with this, but I support keeping options open and exploring something he's interested in and passionate about and that will keep him from living in our basement when he's 30.

Not exactly your situation, OP, but the point is that siblings can be so different, and our culture has so emphasized 4 year universities. Around here it's amplified to not just 4 year degree, but only from the BEST.

Our dreams and expectations may not be those of our children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this has all been great advice and I thank you for your perspective (tough to sort out when in the midst)
we will schedule a school counselor appt. first and dive deeper with teachers (already consulted for most part but just on the surface)
you're right, I do need to move off of my own priorities where he is concerned

Anyone have testing recommendation; I know there are a lot of choices in the area?

Both DCs with ADHD (different types) have been evaluated at The Treatment and Learning Centers in Rockville https://www.ttlc.org/

You will have an initial consultation with the Psychologist to get a sense of what is going on to determine the best testing course of action. The final diagnosis report includes suggestions for managing the diagnosis, which provides good insight for any accommodations or support that may be needed.

[Anonymous]

Kids can get burnout too.

[Anonymous]

Haven't read all the replies but generally when kids do very poorly it's not because they want to, it's because they don't have the skills to do better. I would have him evaluated for ADHD and LDs.

I have a similar child and it requires daily attention from DH or me to go through assignments, figure out what's due, make sure he has what he needs to do them, make sure he understands the assignment and does it and turns it in. It's demoralizing that we are doing this late in HS, for a kid who gives off the impression of being a high achiever, and who was able to do his own work independently when he was in middle school and early high school, but I've come to the realization that this is the level of support he needs now.

I think your son probably has ADHD or something like that and you should just address that directly via an evaluation and treatment. Reach out to the school and start a school evaluation. I base that on the fact that this is happening in 10th grade when academic expectations are suddenly so much higher. This is when my son couldn't compensate anymore, either. Generally changing the environment isn't enough at this point.

[Anonymous]

OP, the end of the quarter may help him reset. Things will either be done or not and you can encourage him to start fresh. Then work with him on using a planner to write down assignments, talk about studying (not just homework), and turning in work. Work with the tutor to manage the workflow. If you can draw a lot of comparisons to running a business, where you have to manage a lot of things at the same time, it may help get his attention.

What year is your child in now?