Weird issue with ref (not call-related)

[Anonymous]

My 13 year old son plays in NCSL. A few weeks ago, one of the refs, who is an older guy and chatty/friendly, came up to my son to chat before a game and told him he remembered him from when he was younger (entirely possible, my son has played soccer for several years and has a somewhat distinctive natural hair color). That's fine by me, but then the ref asked my son to give him a hug. I don't think the ref was intending to be creepy or trying to molest my son, but it was clear that my son didn't really want to hug this guy. He did it anyway, and later said that he felt awkward declining before a game that the guy would be reffing. Again, I have zero suspicion that the ref intended it sexually, but to me, it seems like inappropriate boundaries to ask for a hug from a teen boy that you don't know well in that context.

Would you say anything to NCSL, or just let it go?

[Anonymous]

SAY SOMETHING!!! Definitely inappropriate behavior. Fist bump is cool, but hug that's weird. Does NCSL do background checks on their refs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 13 year old son plays in NCSL. A few weeks ago, one of the refs, who is an older guy and chatty/friendly, came up to my son to chat before a game and told him he remembered him from when he was younger (entirely possible, my son has played soccer for several years and has a somewhat distinctive natural hair color). That's fine by me, but then the ref asked my son to give him a hug. I don't think the ref was intending to be creepy or trying to molest my son, but it was clear that my son didn't really want to hug this guy. He did it anyway, and later said that he felt awkward declining before a game that the guy would be reffing. Again, I have zero suspicion that the ref intended it sexually, but to me, it seems like inappropriate boundaries to ask for a hug from a teen boy that you don't know well in that context.

Would you say anything to NCSL, or just let it go?

Wrong on multiple fronts. Particularly before a game and during a pandemic. Odd, awkward, against protocols, and bad optics from an impartial ref standpoint. Yes, you should say something so that the league can remind referees of the appropriate types of interaction with players.

[Anonymous]

So weird for many reasons. I can't believe the NCSL would even have to remind refs that that is inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe a ref would do this because it would just show that the ref is close to a kid on one of the teams and opposing parents would see that as a reason to think he was siding with that team, but, nevertheless, YES, I would report. Each club should have an NCSL representative. Talk to your coach or team manager to see who your club NCSL rep is and then explain to your NCSL rep what happened. Your NCSL rep can report this or the rep can hopefully give you the person to contact. Again. NCSL does not hire referees, leagues hire assignors and there's actually only one assignor that assigns the all referees for all NCSL games, so NCSL should be able to contact this assignor and figure out who the referee was for this game. And yes, referees do SAFESPORT training every year to be recertified.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So weird for many reasons. I can't believe the NCSL would even have to remind refs that that is inappropriate.

Just an FYI: Leagues don't communicate with referees. Leagues communicate with referee assignors and the assignors are the ones that communicate with the referees.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I would say something but I would strongly encourage you to highlight that neither you nor your son were uncomfortable because of a molestation issue but because he was reffing the game and because your son didn’t know him.

[Anonymous]

This sounds highly inappropriate for a ref to try to gain familiarity and hug a child. I would suggest you report to https://uscenterforsafesport.org/report-a-concern/

[Anonymous]

It makes me sad that we live in a world where our reaction to this type of story is to assume the worst.

I've been a parent in travel soccer for many years. Many of the referees I see are older guys, grandfather age to be honest, and at time I've even complained about them not being able to hustle up and down the field and keeping a closer eye on fouls etc.

I'm not naive about abuse, but can we consider that this referee, whom the OP described as "older," meant no harm and perhaps just gave into a bit of nostalgia at having watched this player over the years as he grew from a boy into a young man? Maybe the referee lost a son or a grandson; maybe he never had kids; maybe he is going to retire soon and was just happy to recognize an player that he had referee'd many games for over the years?

If this was all out in the open, on the field, in front of everyone, and as stated by the OP, both the player and his parent have "zero suspicion that the ref intended it sexually" ... why report him? You know what will happen -- he will get some kind of reprimand, maybe be investigated ... for what? A hug?

It makes me sad to think what we have lost somewhere along the way.

[Anonymous]

Or the whole post is a fake story to distract you from real claims. Bet it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It makes me sad that we live in a world where our reaction to this type of story is to assume the worst.

I've been a parent in travel soccer for many years. Many of the referees I see are older guys, grandfather age to be honest, and at time I've even complained about them not being able to hustle up and down the field and keeping a closer eye on fouls etc.

I'm not naive about abuse, but can we consider that this referee, whom the OP described as "older," meant no harm and perhaps just gave into a bit of nostalgia at having watched this player over the years as he grew from a boy into a young man? Maybe the referee lost a son or a grandson; maybe he never had kids; maybe he is going to retire soon and was just happy to recognize an player that he had referee'd many games for over the years?

If this was all out in the open, on the field, in front of everyone, and as stated by the OP, both the player and his parent have "zero suspicion that the ref intended it sexually" ... why report him? You know what will happen -- he will get some kind of reprimand, maybe be investigated ... for what? A hug?

It makes me sad to think what we have lost somewhere along the way.

Even if there was no harm meant, and it wasn't sexual, it is STILL inappropriate behavior for a referee on the field and he should be made aware of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It makes me sad that we live in a world where our reaction to this type of story is to assume the worst.

I've been a parent in travel soccer for many years. Many of the referees I see are older guys, grandfather age to be honest, and at time I've even complained about them not being able to hustle up and down the field and keeping a closer eye on fouls etc.

I'm not naive about abuse, but can we consider that this referee, whom the OP described as "older," meant no harm and perhaps just gave into a bit of nostalgia at having watched this player over the years as he grew from a boy into a young man? Maybe the referee lost a son or a grandson; maybe he never had kids; maybe he is going to retire soon and was just happy to recognize an player that he had referee'd many games for over the years?

If this was all out in the open, on the field, in front of everyone, and as stated by the OP, both the player and his parent have "zero suspicion that the ref intended it sexually" ... why report him? You know what will happen -- he will get some kind of reprimand, maybe be investigated ... for what? A hug?

It makes me sad to think what we have lost somewhere along the way.

Even if there was no harm meant, and it wasn't sexual, it is STILL inappropriate behavior for a referee on the field and he should be made aware of that.

+1. I'm kind of an "assume the best" type of guy, but have a referee hug my son before a game and he hardly knows him and my son doesn't know him, that's a huge red flag. I'm not even thinking this was sexual either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or the whole post is a fake story to distract you from real claims. Bet it is.

Alcoa® thanks you for your purchases sir!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or the whole post is a fake story to distract you from real claims. Bet it is.

Please expand...to distract who from what? You weren't clear. Who is "you" and what are "real claims"?

[Anonymous]

Teach your son hue to say no please.

Sorry I have a cold and I don’t feel comfortable hugging anyone.