Is this a red flag? Angry about not moving in.

[Anonymous]

One of my female friends has been dating a man for about a year and a half. He's mentioned wanting to get married a couple times, but hasn't initiated a real conversation on it, set a timetable, talked about engagement rings, etc. which has frustrated her a bit.

The other day, he mentioned moving in together and she let him know she wasn't comfortable living together until after they were married. He was upset over this and implied requiring marriage before living together means she doesn't value him as a person.

I said that this seems like a huge red flag to me. He makes more money and doesn't need to be supported, but it feels like one of those "get the milk for free" things. Like he gets all the perks of a wife without any of the risk or responsibilities. And that if he valued her as a person, he'd respect her values.

[Anonymous]

Maybe. Would they be happy getting engaged before moving in?
-asking for a friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe. Would they be happy getting engaged before moving in?
-asking for a friend

No, friend wants marriage first so it doesn’t turn into an indefinite engagement.

[Anonymous]

Sound like none of your business. MYOB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my female friends has been dating a man for about a year and a half. He's mentioned wanting to get married a couple times, but hasn't initiated a real conversation on it, set a timetable, talked about engagement rings, etc. which has frustrated her a bit.

The other day, he mentioned moving in together and she let him know she wasn't comfortable living together until after they were married. He was upset over this and implied requiring marriage before living together means she doesn't value him as a person.

I said that this seems like a huge red flag to me. He makes more money and doesn't need to be supported, but it feels like one of those "get the milk for free" things. Like he gets all the perks of a wife without any of the risk or responsibilities. And that if he valued her as a person, he'd respect her values.

Why is it entirely up to him to initiate a conversation about marriage?

Why hasn't your friend extended the conversation when he mentions wanting to get married?

Plenty of people live together before getting married? It's up to the couple to decide what to do in regards to that.

Depending on how she answered him he may have a reason to be upset.

This doesn't concern you myob

[Anonymous]

I personally would never get married without living together first. But my DH and I were aligned with wanting to get married, we just felt like we needed to try living together to completely make sure. We moved in after 1.5 years of dating, engaged after about 8 months of living together and then married 4 months after that. But neither of us wanted a big wedding.

[Anonymous]

You are making this more of a big deal than it is.

She wants to be married before moving in together.

He doesn't.

Neither of them are wrong. These people aren't compatible. They should find people who share their values and marry them.

[Anonymous]

Seems to me she values him as a person enough to signal interest in getting married. And just because she has her own preferences and value system, which she developed before meeting him, doesn’t mean it’s a reflection on him. Does he expect her to throw her values out the window because he has different ideas? I can see being disappointed or even upset that they don’t agree on this, but being MAD and taking it personally isn’t appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my female friends has been dating a man for about a year and a half. He's mentioned wanting to get married a couple times, but hasn't initiated a real conversation on it, set a timetable, talked about engagement rings, etc. which has frustrated her a bit.

The other day, he mentioned moving in together and she let him know she wasn't comfortable living together until after they were married. He was upset over this and implied requiring marriage before living together means she doesn't value him as a person.

I said that this seems like a huge red flag to me. He makes more money and doesn't need to be supported, but it feels like one of those "get the milk for free" things. Like he gets all the perks of a wife without any of the risk or responsibilities. And that if he valued her as a person, he'd respect her values.

The bolded statement doesn't make any sense. She doesn't value him as a person because she wants to make a binding commitment before living under the same roof?

But anyway - I don't know that I'd call this a red flag, but it's definitely something that needs discussion if they are going to continue in the relationship - why is it important to him that they live together before marriage?

I agree with your friend to the extent that he boyfriend sees living together as a more serious commitment that lets him hold off on agreeing to engagement and marriage.

[Anonymous]

If we're going to use the woefully outdated concept of getting the milk for free, he presumable already is.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's a red flag when the person who doesn't want to get engaged wants to move in first. Usually, in my experience, that person doesn't really want to commit in the first place and wants to lower their bills instead.

[Anonymous]

Yes his response is a red flag.

Also, your post and the use of “getting milk for free” is a red flag about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's a red flag when the person who doesn't want to get engaged wants to move in first. Usually, in my experience, that person doesn't really want to commit in the first place and wants to lower their bills instead.

My experience is the opposite.

[Anonymous]

Why does he need to “initiate” a conversation?

His old are you 2? <25?

[Anonymous]

How not his*