DD dislikes Half sister

[Anonymous]

My ex husband remarried and had a baby and didn't tell us. (lives in another state so way for us to know due to pandemic and lockdowns.
They had a baby 2 months ago but we didn't know about the pregnancy until the birth. DD (16) was close and likes her now step mom. DD visited during school breaks and they got along well.
Their reason for not telling us or anyone about the pregnancy was that it was rough and had as she had losses before so they felt they wanted to keep it quiet.
DD is refusing to acknowledge the baby. My now DH and I share a DD who is 2 years old. My elder DD adores her. My ex is upset and hurt that she has acted negatively towards the baby. She is talking to her father just fine but wants nothing to do with the baby. Worried if step mom hears she will be hurt and want nothing to do with my DD. Want to add that his new wife has always been really nice to my 2 year old as well. She is nicer than my ex.

[Anonymous]

what's your question?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:what's your question?

How best to approach my DD about this? Should I talk to her or let her be?
This isn't a post to put anyone in a bad light.

[Anonymous]

They didn’t tell her all the way up to the birth? Surprise, we had a baby?

I’d be pissed too. Not shocking she’s taking it out by ignoring the baby, but she’ll probably come around. It’s just so new. Hopefully you’re validating her feelings that it was wrong for her dad and stepmom to keep it from her, because it was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They didn’t tell her all the way up to the birth? Surprise, we had a baby?

I’d be pissed too. Not shocking she’s taking it out by ignoring the baby, but she’ll probably come around. It’s just so new. Hopefully you’re validating her feelings that it was wrong for her dad and stepmom to keep it from her, because it was.

OP here yes they video called from the hospital and said here's your sister oh and we got married. My DD hasn't been all that close to her dad ever. They get along just fine but it's more of a let's do fun things rather than have a deep meaningful relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:what's your question?

How best to approach my DD about this? Should I talk to her or let her be?
This isn't a post to put anyone in a bad light.

I'd just casually ask her about the baby every so often. My guess is she'll come around. Especially if you keep mentioning the baby in a positive light.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They didn’t tell her all the way up to the birth? Surprise, we had a baby?

I’d be pissed too. Not shocking she’s taking it out by ignoring the baby, but she’ll probably come around. It’s just so new. Hopefully you’re validating her feelings that it was wrong for her dad and stepmom to keep it from her, because it was.

OP here yes they video called from the hospital and said here's your sister oh and we got married. My DD hasn't been all that close to her dad ever. They get along just fine but it's more of a let's do fun things rather than have a deep meaningful relationship.

Then he’s reaping what he sowed and I would tell him as such. It’s on him and the stepmom to fix this and they should start with a sincere apology to your DD for keeping it from her. Your job is to validate your DD’s feelings whatever they may be. Hopefully no one is forcing her to spend time at their house with the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They didn’t tell her all the way up to the birth? Surprise, we had a baby?

I’d be pissed too. Not shocking she’s taking it out by ignoring the baby, but she’ll probably come around. It’s just so new. Hopefully you’re validating her feelings that it was wrong for her dad and stepmom to keep it from her, because it was.

OP here yes they video called from the hospital and said here's your sister oh and we got married. My DD hasn't been all that close to her dad ever. They get along just fine but it's more of a let's do fun things rather than have a deep meaningful relationship.

Then he’s reaping what he sowed and I would tell him as such. It’s on him and the stepmom to fix this and they should start with a sincere apology to your DD for keeping it from her. Your job is to validate your DD’s feelings whatever they may be. Hopefully no one is forcing her to spend time at their house with the baby.

OP here I did raise this with my ex and he said he tried calling her for her months and she didn't answer calls just messages back. She is a typical teenager. I used to remind her to take his calls but she was always busy with friends and a new boyfriend. So talking to Dad wasn't a priority.

[Anonymous]

I would consider finding a therapist for your DD to talk to. Her dad is really doing a number on her and she’s understandably really angry out it. Having a neutral third party to talk to might help her cope with those emotions in a healthy way.

[Anonymous]

Is the order he had the baby then got married? So your daughter went to being friends with the girlfriend to a surprise stepmom and step sister?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:what's your question?

How best to approach my DD about this? Should I talk to her or let her be?
This isn't a post to put anyone in a bad light.

Her father and stepmother did not treat her like family as far as the baby is concerned. They were incredibly disrespectful to the 16 year old. She’s not 5. To just announce “Surprise we had a secret baby!” and act like it’s normal is super weird. They made Avery deliberate decision to exclude her and draw a line that she is NOT family.

In a lot of ways your daughter is following her father’s lead. He needs to apologize. Really apologize for F* this up so badly. After he dies that, then you can talk to your daughter about forgiveness and moving forward.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter is 16, not six.

Do not coddle her by allowing her to think being mean to the baby is okay.

It's okay for her to feel hurt that he didn't tell her about the wedding or the pregnancy. Though that's partially on her for ignoring his phone calls.

A therapist could be a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would consider finding a therapist for your DD to talk to. Her dad is really doing a number on her and she’s understandably really angry out it. Having a neutral third party to talk to might help her cope with those emotions in a healthy way.

Oh, please. It's a little premature for that, don't you think? The baby is two months old; she'll come around.

[Anonymous]

Acknowledge her feelings but maybe also mention that it’s not reasonable to dislike a 2 month old. Of course feelings are not always reasonable, so empathize, but also give her something to think about. I think she’s likely to get over it in time if she does like the stepmom. Talk to her, but don’t push (listen more than talk if she wants to talk about her feelings) and don’t tell her how to feel; give it time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter is 16, not six.

Do not coddle her by allowing her to think being mean to the baby is okay.

It's okay for her to feel hurt that he didn't tell her about the wedding or the pregnancy. Though that's partially on her for ignoring his phone calls.

A therapist could be a good idea.

OP here my ex MIL said the same that she should have answered his phone calls instead of responding with texts 3 days later. She's a teenager so what do you expect. I can't force her.
Her step mom did make an effort with her including flying to D.C to visit her. Yale her shopping whenever she visited them, watch movies with her. She even took me out to dinner ( my daughter hated his previous girlfriend) but from the first meeting really liked step mom. Her dad had asked her at the time if she would be ok with them having a baby but this was 2 years ago.