Feeling disconnected from husband during pregnancy

[Anonymous]

I feel like we’ve had more bad days than good days during my pregnancy. We constantly argue and bicker over the smallest issues. I feel like I don’t get the special treatment that I see other pregnant women get from their husbands. Even the little things get to me. If I’m having a craving, he doesn’t care and he’ll tell me to get it myself or get it the next day. I’m tired of these little fights and feel so anxious most of the time. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

I think it's a little hard to comment on without more info. You say it's more than just the cravings but what else?

Is he not being sensitive to any real needs you have? It's hard to tell if you're expecting too much with this "special treatment" or if he's being very inconsiderate. To begin with, outside of your one example, I don't really understand what kind of special treatment you expect? Are you talking about superficial things like foot rubs, or more in depth things like being able to talk about your anxieties, etc.

Some well intentioned partners are just bad at the little things, but very good in a fatherly role later, whereas the latter is a lot more concerning in the long run/stressful newborn and child raising days.

[Anonymous]

Idk, my DH is unsentimental like yours and I didn’t ask very much of him during pregnancy (2x), other than occasional trips to the ice cream store! All of that constant craving/foot rub/having him at every single OB appt seems cheesy to me. I know men who did all of that stereotypical stuff but they were of minimal help with house and kid stuff later on. I’d rather have my unsentimental DH who’s an equal partner!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's a little hard to comment on without more info. You say it's more than just the cravings but what else?

Is he not being sensitive to any real needs you have? It's hard to tell if you're expecting too much with this "special treatment" or if he's being very inconsiderate. To begin with, outside of your one example, I don't really understand what kind of special treatment you expect? Are you talking about superficial things like foot rubs, or more in depth things like being able to talk about your anxieties, etc.

Some well intentioned partners are just bad at the little things, but very good in a fatherly role later, whereas the latter is a lot more concerning in the long run/stressful newborn and child raising days.

+1. I would drop the preciousness about the pregnancy now, if I’m being honest. You will need all hands on deck when you have a newborn, and you and DH need to be on the same page. Small resentments about your cravings pale in comparison to the stress and lack of sleep for those first few weeks.

[Anonymous]

I get it. I have been very disconnected with my husband both pregnancies. I just feel like I am going through the experience by myself, which makes be kinda sad. He never mentions the pregnancy or the baby and def doesnt give me any special treatment. I think for some men it just really doesnt click until the baby is born.

Once our daughter is born he was wonderful and loving. It was like it didnt hit him until her was holding her in his arms. Now here we are in the second pregnancy and he is the same as the first. It makes me sad sometimes, but I try to just communicate my needs and he will at least make an effort. I think some men just dont know what they are supposed to be doing/ how to help/what your expectations are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's a little hard to comment on without more info. You say it's more than just the cravings but what else?

Is he not being sensitive to any real needs you have? It's hard to tell if you're expecting too much with this "special treatment" or if he's being very inconsiderate. To begin with, outside of your one example, I don't really understand what kind of special treatment you expect? Are you talking about superficial things like foot rubs, or more in depth things like being able to talk about your anxieties, etc.

Some well intentioned partners are just bad at the little things, but very good in a fatherly role later, whereas the latter is a lot more concerning in the long run/stressful newborn and child raising days.

+1. I would drop the preciousness about the pregnancy now, if I’m being honest. You will need all hands on deck when you have a newborn, and you and DH need to be on the same page. Small resentments about your cravings pale in comparison to the stress and lack of sleep for those first few weeks.

.

Good advice. Life is changing for you. You’ll barely remember those kind of details before you know it.

[Anonymous]

I felt this way quite a bit too. I tried to help him feel as included as possible -- bought him funny dad gifts, asked for help picking stuff for the registry, etc. He seemed detached. It was hard. It got better when the baby came, but stayed hard in some ways. Looking back now, I can see how this is just a difference in the way we approach parenthood, and may reflect some gendered stuff (some socialized, some biological because when you go through pregnancy it changes certain things for you).

Having said all that, my DH is a good and loving dad. He's imperfect, but he's still a loyal partner to me and clearly loves our child very much. We don't always see eye to eye. We work through it.

But OP, here is my advice to you: pamper yourself. That's what I did and still do. I bought a foot massager, I took long baths. I bought fancy candles and chocolate. New nice pajamas. Stocked up on my favorite foods and planned meals around my cravings. Yes, it would have been nice to have someone do that stuff for me. But if your DH (or mom or sister or friend) are not doing it for you, don't go without! Just do it yourself. In a lot of ways, learning to take really good care of myself and meet my own needs in this way during pregnancy has served me well as a mom. Because while your child is going to love you to pieces, they aren't going to pamper you either. So that is my advice to you. Identify your needs and find a way to get them met. If your husband isn't stepping up, do it yourself. You might not be able to give yourself a foot massage, but there are lots of things you can do to make yourself more comfortable and more cared for. Do it! You deserve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's a little hard to comment on without more info. You say it's more than just the cravings but what else?

Is he not being sensitive to any real needs you have? It's hard to tell if you're expecting too much with this "special treatment" or if he's being very inconsiderate. To begin with, outside of your one example, I don't really understand what kind of special treatment you expect? Are you talking about superficial things like foot rubs, or more in depth things like being able to talk about your anxieties, etc.

Some well intentioned partners are just bad at the little things, but very good in a fatherly role later, whereas the latter is a lot more concerning in the long run/stressful newborn and child raising days.

+1. I would drop the preciousness about the pregnancy now, if I’m being honest. You will need all hands on deck when you have a newborn, and you and DH need to be on the same page. Small resentments about your cravings pale in comparison to the stress and lack of sleep for those first few weeks.

.

Good advice. Life is changing for you. You’ll barely remember those kind of details before you know it.

+1. Mom of 2 here (2 year old and a 2 weeks old). If you had a kid running around at home and he wasn’t being attentive to the kid then I’d get it, but it’s just you. If he’s not super empathetic I wouldn’t bother getting upset at him now as you’ll need him more postpartum.

Pregnancy is exhausting, so if you have the money treat yourself a bit. Get your favorite ice cream flavors at the store, book a massage, if he’s handy ask him to help you decorate the baby’s nursery, consider getting a doula or another support person for the birth if you think it might be too much for your husband to handle by himself, and talk to family or a doula/night nurse about postpartum support if you think his attitude right now is an indicator of his attitude postpartum.

[Anonymous]

Use the 24h rule. If something isn't going to be a problem in 24 hours, don't mention it. You might find that petty anger or irritation dissipates more than you expect without causing any fights.