Preschooler in trouble at school- what to do at home

[Anonymous]

My 4 year old son’s preschool teacher has brought up frustrations with him not consistently listening to instructions, not paying attention during story time and distracting other kids (I have the same issue, he rarely likes to sit in bed while I’m reading), and today he hit her on her butt. Some days he does great but other days he does not, per the teacher.

He relates well to adults and kids and is fairly social, sleeps well at night, gets a good amount of exercise during the day etc but these issues are still arising. I had a long talk with him after school about how important it is for him to listen to his teachers and follow instructions and he apologized and said he wanted another try to do better. When I asked him why he hit his teacher on the butt he said he was trying to sneak up and surprise her and that he was pretending to be invisible. We talked about not touching other people without permission and especially not touching anyone’s private parts. This is not something I’ve had issues with at home so I am surprised.

Not sure how to handle this aside from having continued conversations about behavior at school. I don’t want my kid to be “that kid” but I’m not sure how to handle this. What do you think I should do at home to stop this kind of behavior at school??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 4 year old son’s preschool teacher has brought up frustrations with him not consistently listening to instructions, not paying attention during story time and distracting other kids (I have the same issue, he rarely likes to sit in bed while I’m reading), and today he hit her on her butt. Some days he does great but other days he does not, per the teacher.

He relates well to adults and kids and is fairly social, sleeps well at night, gets a good amount of exercise during the day etc but these issues are still arising. I had a long talk with him after school about how important it is for him to listen to his teachers and follow instructions and he apologized and said he wanted another try to do better. When I asked him why he hit his teacher on the butt he said he was trying to sneak up and surprise her and that he was pretending to be invisible. We talked about not touching other people without permission and especially not touching anyone’s private parts. This is not something I’ve had issues with at home so I am surprised.

Not sure how to handle this aside from having continued conversations about behavior at school. I don’t want my kid to be “that kid” but I’m not sure how to handle this. What do you think I should do at home to stop this kind of behavior at school??

Ha! the bolded part is just like my boy. He comes up with ideas to do something he thinks is funny/sneaky, and then can't stop himself from doing it, even though he can identify why it was a bad idea after the fact. This is impulsive behavior.

I am concerned about your preschool teacher bringing up frustrations/complaints about behavior without offering solutions/suggestions. Is this like, real-school preschool or just basically a child care activity? It's so common for kids not to be able to sit and listen and not get distracted when they are 4 years old. So I'm not sure about the qualifications of this teacher or the quality of the program.

When my kid was in PK3 (at a public elementary school with credentialed teachers and a therapist), he had behavior like hitting other students, not listening, etc, etc, but it was not brought to me as a problem for me to fix, instead they informed me of what the behaviors were and what they were doing to address. They recognized that this was in the realm of normal for his age and they worked with him on those issues at school. He participated in a small group with the therapist for kids with aggressive/impulsive behavior, I think they talked about the right ways to express anger and identifying your feelings and stuff like that. They also let me know what I could talk about at home to reinforce.

OK, so my kid is 5 now and I have to say he's a lot better than when he was 3 and 4. He is better able to think things through. And he has learned from his mistakes. This is just to say that growth/age will take care of some of this in time.

[Anonymous]

It may make a difference if this is a public or private school in terms of resources. I do not have an answer but you are right to be concerned. I know a PRESCHOOLER who was accused of sexual assault by a teacher for hitting her on the butt. The child’s family was besides themselves. It sounds like your teacher may be understanding regarding child behavior. I would have him apologize to her and give his explanation that he was trying to surprise her and play invisible. The child I know is black, and yes race matters when we are talking about calling the police on 3 year olds. If your child is not, it may be less of an issue, but I would still try to smooth it over with her/him.

[Anonymous]

I would ask your pediatrician for recommendations and if you should be concerned. I would ask the teacher what she wants you to do or how you can be helpful at home. I understand how hard it is when you can't do anything about it but are told about your kid's behavior during the day.

On the one hand, your kid needs to learn to follow the rules and sit still as needed and be respectful. On the other hand, your kid is only 4 and is in preschool precisely because this is the time to learn it. Did he just turn 4, or is he almost 5? That makes a difference in my opinion.

If your kid is in an institutional setting vs a more play-based preschool, it may be that he is not quite ready for the more organized and rigid schedule yet, and you might benefit from moving him to a school with more free play options. On the other hand, if you are planning to send him to K next year in public school, he will need to be able to operate in that setting.

[Anonymous]

OP here:
I did tell the teacher I would have a talk with him about the specific things he was doing. I also asked if there was anything she wanted me to do or say at home that might help but she said to just keep having conversations with him. I plan to keep checking in with her to see if his behavior gets better and hopefully get some suggestions on what to do, if not.

DS goes to a public school pre k program that’s just 3 hours/4 days a week. The school ranks fairly well for our state. He is biracial (black and white) in a majority white school. Really hoping this isn’t impacting things although I know, as pp stated, this can be an issue.

DS turned 4 in early June. He does well with hands on activities at home (playing with blocks, cars, play dough etc) but is not the play quietly in the corner type kid. He likes to be engaged and asks a ton of questions. Like I said, he loves for me to read to him but doesn’t sit still for it.

Thanks everyone for the feedback so far. I will check back in with the teacher to see if she comes up with any strategies to tackle the issue

[Anonymous]

This sounds like pretty normal 4yo boy behavior, honestly.

[Anonymous]

Hi, I’m a preschool teacher. The smacking on the butt thing—you responded well by telling him about private parts, etc. there are some great kids books out there on this topic. Let me know if you want ideas.

As for the other behavior—I hate to say this, but from what I viewed in the hallways before covid…parents just aren’t expecting basic good behavior from their children any more. For example—the kid runs down the hallway, mom yells “don’t run larlo!” And then laughs and turns to a friend to chat. Or the kid starts pulling artwork off the walls, mom may go to fix it, but doesn’t explain that he/she shouldn’t take someone else’s artwork off the walls. They fix the immediate issue but don’t address the antecedent. There’s no follow through on the direction. Another example— a teacher hands a parent a special project and says “this is delicate, please don’t let your child hold it” and the child immediately demands the item and parents hand it over right away. They don’t even notice that the child demands instead of asks nicely, but also parents seem afraid to say no. They’re afraid of displeasing their children. Of making them sad/upset. So over the past decade or so, preschool teachers have seen a steep decline of behavior issues. And covid hasn’t helped. Parents understandably had a hard time keeping their kids entertained and educated at home while they were working from home, and so children get more screens, less sleep, and less regular meals. So my guess is that you should take a step back and see where you can raise expectations of behavior and then consistently reinforce those boundaries. He will be more successful in preschool and in kindergarten if you start this now.

[Anonymous]

I would keep working on him using his listening ears the first time.

I've seen the smack/tap on the butt thing before in class, often to someone they feel close too. If not scolded right off the bat, you will find out they see Daddy do it to Mommy or the other way around.

How much outdoor, or physical movement activities indoors do they have in the 3 hours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It may make a difference if this is a public or private school in terms of resources. I do not have an answer but you are right to be concerned. I know a PRESCHOOLER who was accused of sexual assault by a teacher for hitting her on the butt. The child’s family was besides themselves. It sounds like your teacher may be understanding regarding child behavior. I would have him apologize to her and give his explanation that he was trying to surprise her and play invisible. The child I know is black, and yes race matters when we are talking about calling the police on 3 year olds. If your child is not, it may be less of an issue, but I would still try to smooth it over with her/him.

That is horrifying. I’ve had the “private parts” discussion with DS a few times and he kind of gets it but, since he has no understanding of sex or sexuality, I don’t think he truly understands on a deeper level why a butt is different from a leg. Up until now I haven’t had any issues with him touching anyone inappropriately or even playing roughly or aggressively. He has hit his little brother before (and vice versa) when they’ve fought over toys but no other kid.

[Anonymous]

Basically they just want you to reinforce their message, like you already did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It may make a difference if this is a public or private school in terms of resources. I do not have an answer but you are right to be concerned. I know a PRESCHOOLER who was accused of sexual assault by a teacher for hitting her on the butt. The child’s family was besides themselves. It sounds like your teacher may be understanding regarding child behavior. I would have him apologize to her and give his explanation that he was trying to surprise her and play invisible. The child I know is black, and yes race matters when we are talking about calling the police on 3 year olds. If your child is not, it may be less of an issue, but I would still try to smooth it over with her/him.

That is horrifying. I’ve had the “private parts” discussion with DS a few times and he kind of gets it but, since he has no understanding of sex or sexuality, I don’t think he truly understands on a deeper level why a butt is different from a leg. Up until now I haven’t had any issues with him touching anyone inappropriately or even playing roughly or aggressively. He has hit his little brother before (and vice versa) when they’ve fought over toys but no other kid.

Teacher again. I have definitely been touched on my butt and breast many a time by my students. Like you said, they don’t naturally understand that it’s different than their elbow. The sexual assault thing is crazy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, I’m a preschool teacher. The smacking on the butt thing—you responded well by telling him about private parts, etc. there are some great kids books out there on this topic. Let me know if you want ideas.

As for the other behavior—I hate to say this, but from what I viewed in the hallways before covid…parents just aren’t expecting basic good behavior from their children any more. For example—the kid runs down the hallway, mom yells “don’t run larlo!” And then laughs and turns to a friend to chat. Or the kid starts pulling artwork off the walls, mom may go to fix it, but doesn’t explain that he/she shouldn’t take someone else’s artwork off the walls. They fix the immediate issue but don’t address the antecedent. There’s no follow through on the direction. Another example— a teacher hands a parent a special project and says “this is delicate, please don’t let your child hold it” and the child immediately demands the item and parents hand it over right away. They don’t even notice that the child demands instead of asks nicely, but also parents seem afraid to say no. They’re afraid of displeasing their children. Of making them sad/upset. So over the past decade or so, preschool teachers have seen a steep decline of behavior issues. And covid hasn’t helped. Parents understandably had a hard time keeping their kids entertained and educated at home while they were working from home, and so children get more screens, less sleep, and less regular meals. So my guess is that you should take a step back and see where you can raise expectations of behavior and then consistently reinforce those boundaries. He will be more successful in preschool and in kindergarten if you start this now.

Thanks for this insight. I do try to set boundaries and talk things through with him but this is a good reminder not to let things slide and to keep raising expectations for good behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Basically they just want you to reinforce their message, like you already did.

+1. All you can do is keep talking to him unless they have specific requests on what to work with him on at home.

[Anonymous]

If you are worried that he might have more serious behavioral issues, since it is a public school, you should ask that he get assessed. They should have a formal meeting and bring together the teacher, principal, school counselor, special education teacher, etc to determine if he needs a more formal assessment. Even if they decide against it, it will get all the issues out on the table and should kick off a discussion on how to address them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, I’m a preschool teacher. The smacking on the butt thing—you responded well by telling him about private parts, etc. there are some great kids books out there on this topic. Let me know if you want ideas.

As for the other behavior—I hate to say this, but from what I viewed in the hallways before covid…parents just aren’t expecting basic good behavior from their children any more. For example—the kid runs down the hallway, mom yells “don’t run larlo!” And then laughs and turns to a friend to chat. Or the kid starts pulling artwork off the walls, mom may go to fix it, but doesn’t explain that he/she shouldn’t take someone else’s artwork off the walls. They fix the immediate issue but don’t address the antecedent. There’s no follow through on the direction. Another example— a teacher hands a parent a special project and says “this is delicate, please don’t let your child hold it” and the child immediately demands the item and parents hand it over right away. They don’t even notice that the child demands instead of asks nicely, but also parents seem afraid to say no. They’re afraid of displeasing their children. Of making them sad/upset. So over the past decade or so, preschool teachers have seen a steep decline of behavior issues. And covid hasn’t helped. Parents understandably had a hard time keeping their kids entertained and educated at home while they were working from home, and so children get more screens, less sleep, and less regular meals. So my guess is that you should take a step back and see where you can raise expectations of behavior and then consistently reinforce those boundaries. He will be more successful in preschool and in kindergarten if you start this now.

I am so grateful to our nanny, a former preschool teacher, who always enforced “preschool rules” with out son. Even at the height of covid shutdown DS learned that you don’t pull toys out of other’s hands, you sit to eat all meals and snacks, “if you didn’t build it you can’t knock it down”, taking turns, etc. I know we wouldn’t have done all this without her. And no screens. And “stop” means stop immediately. She’s also big on talking about emotions. And potty trained him at 22 months and taught him to be bathroom independent (except bowel movement wiping).

DS’s teachers comment on what an articulate and sweet kid he is all the time.