Preschooler in trouble at school- what to do at home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi, I’m a preschool teacher. The smacking on the butt thing—you responded well by telling him about private parts, etc. there are some great kids books out there on this topic. Let me know if you want ideas.

As for the other behavior—I hate to say this, but from what I viewed in the hallways before covid…parents just aren’t expecting basic good behavior from their children any more. For example—the kid runs down the hallway, mom yells “don’t run larlo!” And then laughs and turns to a friend to chat. Or the kid starts pulling artwork off the walls, mom may go to fix it, but doesn’t explain that he/she shouldn’t take someone else’s artwork off the walls. They fix the immediate issue but don’t address the antecedent. There’s no follow through on the direction. Another example— a teacher hands a parent a special project and says “this is delicate, please don’t let your child hold it” and the child immediately demands the item and parents hand it over right away. They don’t even notice that the child demands instead of asks nicely, but also parents seem afraid to say no. They’re afraid of displeasing their children. Of making them sad/upset. So over the past decade or so, preschool teachers have seen a steep decline of behavior issues. And covid hasn’t helped. Parents understandably had a hard time keeping their kids entertained and educated at home while they were working from home, and so children get more screens, less sleep, and less regular meals. So my guess is that you should take a step back and see where you can raise expectations of behavior and then consistently reinforce those boundaries. He will be more successful in preschool and in kindergarten if you start this now.

I am so grateful to our nanny, a former preschool teacher, who always enforced “preschool rules” with out son. Even at the height of covid shutdown DS learned that you don’t pull toys out of other’s hands, you sit to eat all meals and snacks, “if you didn’t build it you can’t knock it down”, taking turns, etc. I know we wouldn’t have done all this without her. And no screens. And “stop” means stop immediately. She’s also big on talking about emotions. And potty trained him at 22 months and taught him to be bathroom independent (except bowel movement wiping).

DS’s teachers comment on what an articulate and sweet kid he is all the time.

OP, you have to hire a preschool teacher to raise your kid, duh 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 4 year old son’s preschool teacher has brought up frustrations with him not consistently listening to instructions, not paying attention during story time and distracting other kids (I have the same issue, he rarely likes to sit in bed while I’m reading), and today he hit her on her butt. Some days he does great but other days he does not, per the teacher.

He relates well to adults and kids and is fairly social, sleeps well at night, gets a good amount of exercise during the day etc but these issues are still arising. I had a long talk with him after school about how important it is for him to listen to his teachers and follow instructions and he apologized and said he wanted another try to do better. When I asked him why he hit his teacher on the butt he said he was trying to sneak up and surprise her and that he was pretending to be invisible. We talked about not touching other people without permission and especially not touching anyone’s private parts. This is not something I’ve had issues with at home so I am surprised.

Not sure how to handle this aside from having continued conversations about behavior at school. I don’t want my kid to be “that kid” but I’m not sure how to handle this. What do you think I should do at home to stop this kind of behavior at school??

Ha! the bolded part is just like my boy. He comes up with ideas to do something he thinks is funny/sneaky, and then can't stop himself from doing it, even though he can identify why it was a bad idea after the fact. This is impulsive behavior.

I am concerned about your preschool teacher bringing up frustrations/complaints about behavior without offering solutions/suggestions. Is this like, real-school preschool or just basically a child care activity? It's so common for kids not to be able to sit and listen and not get distracted when they are 4 years old. So I'm not sure about the qualifications of this teacher or the quality of the program.

When my kid was in PK3 (at a public elementary school with credentialed teachers and a therapist), he had behavior like hitting other students, not listening, etc, etc, but it was not brought to me as a problem for me to fix, instead they informed me of what the behaviors were and what they were doing to address. They recognized that this was in the realm of normal for his age and they worked with him on those issues at school. He participated in a small group with the therapist for kids with aggressive/impulsive behavior, I think they talked about the right ways to express anger and identifying your feelings and stuff like that. They also let me know what I could talk about at home to reinforce.

OK, so my kid is 5 now and I have to say he's a lot better than when he was 3 and 4. He is better able to think things through. And he has learned from his mistakes. This is just to say that growth/age will take care of some of this in time.

+1. The teacher should be offering ideas on how to reinforce the behaviors they want to see at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi, I’m a preschool teacher. The smacking on the butt thing—you responded well by telling him about private parts, etc. there are some great kids books out there on this topic. Let me know if you want ideas.

As for the other behavior—I hate to say this, but from what I viewed in the hallways before covid…parents just aren’t expecting basic good behavior from their children any more. For example—the kid runs down the hallway, mom yells “don’t run larlo!” And then laughs and turns to a friend to chat. Or the kid starts pulling artwork off the walls, mom may go to fix it, but doesn’t explain that he/she shouldn’t take someone else’s artwork off the walls. They fix the immediate issue but don’t address the antecedent. There’s no follow through on the direction. Another example— a teacher hands a parent a special project and says “this is delicate, please don’t let your child hold it” and the child immediately demands the item and parents hand it over right away. They don’t even notice that the child demands instead of asks nicely, but also parents seem afraid to say no. They’re afraid of displeasing their children. Of making them sad/upset. So over the past decade or so, preschool teachers have seen a steep decline of behavior issues. And covid hasn’t helped. Parents understandably had a hard time keeping their kids entertained and educated at home while they were working from home, and so children get more screens, less sleep, and less regular meals. So my guess is that you should take a step back and see where you can raise expectations of behavior and then consistently reinforce those boundaries. He will be more successful in preschool and in kindergarten if you start this now.

I am so grateful to our nanny, a former preschool teacher, who always enforced “preschool rules” with out son. Even at the height of covid shutdown DS learned that you don’t pull toys out of other’s hands, you sit to eat all meals and snacks, “if you didn’t build it you can’t knock it down”, taking turns, etc. I know we wouldn’t have done all this without her. And no screens. And “stop” means stop immediately. She’s also big on talking about emotions. And potty trained him at 22 months and taught him to be bathroom independent (except bowel movement wiping).

DS’s teachers comment on what an articulate and sweet kid he is all the time.

OP, you have to hire a preschool teacher to raise your kid, duh 🙄

Yeah I have no idea what the point of this braggy post was. Is this PP patting herself on the back or her kid (or both)?

Also no one is impressed that you did "no screens" "at the height of Covid" since you had actually childcare, duh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi, I’m a preschool teacher. The smacking on the butt thing—you responded well by telling him about private parts, etc. there are some great kids books out there on this topic. Let me know if you want ideas.

As for the other behavior—I hate to say this, but from what I viewed in the hallways before covid…parents just aren’t expecting basic good behavior from their children any more. For example—the kid runs down the hallway, mom yells “don’t run larlo!” And then laughs and turns to a friend to chat. Or the kid starts pulling artwork off the walls, mom may go to fix it, but doesn’t explain that he/she shouldn’t take someone else’s artwork off the walls. They fix the immediate issue but don’t address the antecedent. There’s no follow through on the direction. Another example— a teacher hands a parent a special project and says “this is delicate, please don’t let your child hold it” and the child immediately demands the item and parents hand it over right away. They don’t even notice that the child demands instead of asks nicely, but also parents seem afraid to say no. They’re afraid of displeasing their children. Of making them sad/upset. So over the past decade or so, preschool teachers have seen a steep decline of behavior issues. And covid hasn’t helped. Parents understandably had a hard time keeping their kids entertained and educated at home while they were working from home, and so children get more screens, less sleep, and less regular meals. So my guess is that you should take a step back and see where you can raise expectations of behavior and then consistently reinforce those boundaries. He will be more successful in preschool and in kindergarten if you start this now.

Thanks for this insight. I do try to set boundaries and talk things through with him but this is a good reminder not to let things slide and to keep raising expectations for good behavior.

It sounds like you’re doing a great job already all around. Keep it up, I bet he’s a great kid

[Anonymous]

Re: butt smacking - eh to us adults it's inappropriate and a knee jerk reaction. To a playful 4 yr old who doesn't understand/hasn't learned boundaries (yet), it genuinely was a game of Invisible Monster. You told him firmly that's a huge "no", explained why it's a huge "no", so let it go and move forward.

The other stuff: it's hard to tell w/o context. He sounds like an ordinarily good kid, so I doubt his behavior is truly done for spite, but just out boredom/not sure what he supposed to do at that moment/sees someone else doing it, etc.

Is he bored? Does he understand expectations - for a lot of kids this is the 1st time in a preschool, given last year's shutdown, so adults and teachers forget and inadvertently forget that their kids may not automatically know preschool basic rules.

I assume prek just started after Labor Day? So, he's only a month into it and if it's only 3x/week it may be part of the new routine and structure he trying to wrap his little mind around.

Re: reading to your wiggly little guy at bedtime- could be bad timing and he just might not be feeling it. We rarely do bed time stories at bedtime. We do Hidden Pictures together (or Waldo) instead I found reading time was a better fit after his screen time in the afternoon. YMMV but thought I'd suggest it for a different approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi, I’m a preschool teacher. The smacking on the butt thing—you responded well by telling him about private parts, etc. there are some great kids books out there on this topic. Let me know if you want ideas.

As for the other behavior—I hate to say this, but from what I viewed in the hallways before covid…parents just aren’t expecting basic good behavior from their children any more. For example—the kid runs down the hallway, mom yells “don’t run larlo!” And then laughs and turns to a friend to chat. Or the kid starts pulling artwork off the walls, mom may go to fix it, but doesn’t explain that he/she shouldn’t take someone else’s artwork off the walls. They fix the immediate issue but don’t address the antecedent. There’s no follow through on the direction. Another example— a teacher hands a parent a special project and says “this is delicate, please don’t let your child hold it” and the child immediately demands the item and parents hand it over right away. They don’t even notice that the child demands instead of asks nicely, but also parents seem afraid to say no. They’re afraid of displeasing their children. Of making them sad/upset. So over the past decade or so, preschool teachers have seen a steep decline of behavior issues. And covid hasn’t helped. Parents understandably had a hard time keeping their kids entertained and educated at home while they were working from home, and so children get more screens, less sleep, and less regular meals. So my guess is that you should take a step back and see where you can raise expectations of behavior and then consistently reinforce those boundaries. He will be more successful in preschool and in kindergarten if you start this now.

Thanks for this insight. I do try to set boundaries and talk things through with him but this is a good reminder not to let things slide and to keep raising expectations for good behavior.

It sounds like you’re doing a great job already all around. Keep it up, I bet he’s a great kid

Yep, sounds like you got this, OP. 👍

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi, I’m a preschool teacher. The smacking on the butt thing—you responded well by telling him about private parts, etc. there are some great kids books out there on this topic. Let me know if you want ideas.

As for the other behavior—I hate to say this, but from what I viewed in the hallways before covid…parents just aren’t expecting basic good behavior from their children any more. For example—the kid runs down the hallway, mom yells “don’t run larlo!” And then laughs and turns to a friend to chat. Or the kid starts pulling artwork off the walls, mom may go to fix it, but doesn’t explain that he/she shouldn’t take someone else’s artwork off the walls. They fix the immediate issue but don’t address the antecedent. There’s no follow through on the direction. Another example— a teacher hands a parent a special project and says “this is delicate, please don’t let your child hold it” and the child immediately demands the item and parents hand it over right away. They don’t even notice that the child demands instead of asks nicely, but also parents seem afraid to say no. They’re afraid of displeasing their children. Of making them sad/upset. So over the past decade or so, preschool teachers have seen a steep decline of behavior issues. And covid hasn’t helped. Parents understandably had a hard time keeping their kids entertained and educated at home while they were working from home, and so children get more screens, less sleep, and less regular meals. So my guess is that you should take a step back and see where you can raise expectations of behavior and then consistently reinforce those boundaries. He will be more successful in preschool and in kindergarten if you start this now.

I am so grateful to our nanny, a former preschool teacher, who always enforced “preschool rules” with out son. Even at the height of covid shutdown DS learned that you don’t pull toys out of other’s hands, you sit to eat all meals and snacks, “if you didn’t build it you can’t knock it down”, taking turns, etc. I know we wouldn’t have done all this without her. And no screens. And “stop” means stop immediately. She’s also big on talking about emotions. And potty trained him at 22 months and taught him to be bathroom independent (except bowel movement wiping).

DS’s teachers comment on what an articulate and sweet kid he is all the time.

You have a good nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Re: butt smacking - eh to us adults it's inappropriate and a knee jerk reaction. To a playful 4 yr old who doesn't understand/hasn't learned boundaries (yet), it genuinely was a game of Invisible Monster. You told him firmly that's a huge "no", explained why it's a huge "no", so let it go and move forward.

The other stuff: it's hard to tell w/o context. He sounds like an ordinarily good kid, so I doubt his behavior is truly done for spite, but just out boredom/not sure what he supposed to do at that moment/sees someone else doing it, etc.

Is he bored? Does he understand expectations - for a lot of kids this is the 1st time in a preschool, given last year's shutdown, so adults and teachers forget and inadvertently forget that their kids may not automatically know preschool basic rules.

I assume prek just started after Labor Day? So, he's only a month into it and if it's only 3x/week it may be part of the new routine and structure he trying to wrap his little mind around.

Re: reading to your wiggly little guy at bedtime- could be bad timing and he just might not be feeling it. We rarely do bed time stories at bedtime. We do Hidden Pictures together (or Waldo) instead I found reading time was a better fit after his screen time in the afternoon. YMMV but thought I'd suggest it for a different approach.

OP here. Yes, I’m planning on having him apologize to the teacher Monday but I definitely don’t think he was doing anything beyond trying to play. Obviously not an ok way to play but I don’t have any concerns that it was malicious.

The teacher did mention last week that he got distracted during some activities (like reading) and suggested he might be bored. He seems to fully understand expectations but is rebelling against them. I handle this at home by explaining that we have to do x before we do y and make a game out of it (ie: ie since we have to clean up these blocks before we go to the playground I’ll time you and see how fast you can get it done”. I’m thinking I might just need to enforce better the idea that he has to sometimes do things that are not as fun (to him) out of respect for the teacher and class. I am hoping that with continued attendance he will get more accustomed to the school routine.

[Anonymous]

My 3 yo daughter has the same issue of being generally inattentive and wandering around during stories. One thing that has helped is just being collaborative with the teacher. I say, how do you handle that here so I can reinforce it at home? And/or I offer what works and particularly what doesn’t work for us at home as well. Her teachers have usually been satisfied if we are acknowledging it and indicating we are trying to give some consistency in that area.

[Anonymous]

Is it a play based preschool? Montessori? Waldorf? Co-op?

Maybe he just needs a better fit.