Other mom makes my kid apologize

[Anonymous]

My 9 year old child and my child’s close friend both have feisty, but generally kind personalities. They love each other intensely and sometimes get into small fights. It’s usually when they are tired - totally normal in my opinion. This past weekend, after one such fight, the friend’s mom sent me a text telling me how hurt her child was and that her child would be writing my child an apology letter and she expected my child to do the same. This is the third time she’s demanded an apology from my kid.

My response in this case was that my child was also hurt by her friend’s behavior, but that we would return the apology (my kid was hurt and was objectively rude; we talked through it, I disciplined, and that was that). As a witness to these fights, I know that my kid was simply reacting to mean behavior by the friend…essentially standing up for themselves. And in two of these cases, the mom made the apology demand to my kid directly in person/in front of me. Her kid did not end up apologizing in those cases, even though the friend’s behavior was the cause of the fight.

I can’t help but be annoyed. I discipline my kid and don’t demand apologies on their behalf when they are wronged, but we do advocate for standing up for yourself (in a kind way). Am I being too sensitive? How should I respond next time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 9 year old child and my child’s close friend both have feisty, but generally kind personalities. They love each other intensely and sometimes get into small fights. It’s usually when they are tired - totally normal in my opinion. This past weekend, after one such fight, the friend’s mom sent me a text telling me how hurt her child was and that her child would be writing my child an apology letter and she expected my child to do the same. This is the third time she’s demanded an apology from my kid.

My response in this case was that my child was also hurt by her friend’s behavior, but that we would return the apology (my kid was hurt and was objectively rude; we talked through it, I disciplined, and that was that). As a witness to these fights, I know that my kid was simply reacting to mean behavior by the friend…essentially standing up for themselves. And in two of these cases, the mom made the apology demand to my kid directly in person/in front of me. Her kid did not end up apologizing in those cases, even though the friend’s behavior was the cause of the fight.

I can’t help but be annoyed. I discipline my kid and don’t demand apologies on their behalf when they are wronged, but we do advocate for standing up for yourself (in a kind way). Am I being too sensitive? How should I respond next time?

You don't sound remotely objective.

You and the other mother should stay out of it. These kids are not toddlers. Let them handle their own fights. You can continue to teach them about appropriate behaviour and apologizing without actually getting involved in the details.

TL;DR- Land your helicopters and teach/model in your own time.

[Anonymous]

At this age and given that it seems to be a close friendship, I think you can say that you are going to let the girls work it out for themselves and that you prefer not to get involved in these types of squabbles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At this age and given that it seems to be a close friendship, I think you can say that you are going to let the girls work it out for themselves and that you prefer not to get involved in these types of squabbles.

+1

[Anonymous]

Why is it always the bully's parents who refuse to make their kid own up to their behavior? Seriously. You wrote your kid was 'objectively rude', you know the fight was their fault, and you still excuse it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At this age and given that it seems to be a close friendship, I think you can say that you are going to let the girls work it out for themselves and that you prefer not to get involved in these types of squabbles.

+1

+2 unless it is a serious transgression on either side, this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it always the bully's parents who refuse to make their kid own up to their behavior? Seriously. You wrote your kid was 'objectively rude', you know the fight was their fault, and you still excuse it.

Why do you assume OPs kid is the bully? That's not what it says. Sounds like her friend is dishing it out plenty. Maybe these kids just shouldn't play together anymore.

[Anonymous]

Doesn’t sound like a great or healthy friendship. Focusing on an apology seems to be a distraction. If things are happening where anyone is thinking about writing/issuing formal apologies THREE times, maybe they should find other people to play with.

[Anonymous]

Um, regardless I think it's really brazen of the other mom to demand a WRITTEN apology from your 9 year old.

I cannot imagine doing that to one of my kids' friends in front of their mother. That's just a huge overreach IMO. I think you need to get some space in between your family and this family.

[Anonymous]

If your kid is rude (which you said she is), she needs to apologize. Do you really want your kid to grow up thinking she can be rude to people in the workplace, a spouse, etc and not apologize?

Sounds like you also need to teach her how to handle conflict better.

[Anonymous]

Demanding a written apology goes too far. A mutual verbal apology is good enough.

[Anonymous]

My daughter had a friend who constantly demanded apologies, and the mom would ask me to force my daughter to. I mainly said the girls were old enough to figure it out and eventually my daughter no longer wanted to play with the other girl, who was always “hurt” about something.

[Anonymous]

My read is that OP's DD was rude in reaction to whatever was instigated by her friend. That being said, agree that you and the other mom may need to coach your daughters through how to manage friendships but stay out of it directly. As part of that, it may be worth exploring with your DD whether this is a healthy friendship or if they need to get some space from one another. If they truly are good friends who just sometimes squabble, then you need to help her learn how to manage conflict. But no, you're past the age where moms should be stepping in and having girls write apology notes to one another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Doesn’t sound like a great or healthy friendship. Focusing on an apology seems to be a distraction. If things are happening where anyone is thinking about writing/issuing formal apologies THREE times, maybe they should find other people to play with.

I think good kids can have weird parents who get in the way of the kids learning to negotiate their relationship.

"Hey, Susan, I think it's time we let the kids figure out how they want to handle stuff. You can talk to [insert Susan's kid's name here] and I'll talk to Kyle if he wants to or I think it's necessary, but I think they're old enough to learn to deal with conflict with their friends."

[Anonymous]

The two of you (the moms) sound like you picture yourselves as heads of dynastic houses, not as parents.

Nobody gets a real apology when they demand one. At the same time, people who don’t give them when they are called for end up suffering the consequences and becoming better at personing—assuming their moms don’t protect them from consequences.

Back off and tell Susan you’re not going to coax anything out of your kid one way or the other, you’ll let them work it out.