Need your take on this

[Anonymous]

Been married 35 years to a good guy. We have a good. marriage, some ups and downs but he has been a good solid provider and loyal. We have 4 kids (all now grown). He has a friend who is such a fun guy buy a very heavy drinker. Definitely always the life of the party. Let's call him H. H brings out a much more outgoing version of my husband (which he generally is not) and he definably drinks a lot more when around H. sometimes to the point of "too much" and he can act silly, immature and just kind of sloppy. Not a good look AT ALL.

I am not a drinker, maybe a glass of wine and that's it so it really upsets me when this happens. I tend to be prim and proper and believe when you are 20 maybe that's OK but when you are in your 50's and 60's there is a way to act and behave. When my H drinks this way he becomes much more friendly and open as do many people, uninhabited. We were at a fundraiser about a week ago and H was there along with other friends. My H as he often does had a lot to drink with him and to me it was over the top. He was hanging out (or trying) with a lot of the younger people that were there and was acting very "friendly" to a few of the younger girls (one of whom was my sons gf). It was embarrassing and I have never seen him do anything like that before.

Of course he didn't realize how bad it looked and the next day had no real recollection other than he was trying to have fun. I haven't been able to talk to him this entire week.I was and am just so disgusted and embarrassed for him and myself. Maybe to some this is ok and not a bid deal but for a 63 year old man, I think its a very bad look. Even my daughter who was there was really upset and came down on him.

Am I being unreasonable by not speaking to him? I do not generally do this but am just so turned off right now. I feel like I need a break and also he needs to understand how inappropriate that was and how the general over drinking is as well. Just need to vent.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know if it’s unreasonable but it’s probably ineffective. You really need to hash this out.

[Anonymous]

Having had a few alcoholics in my family, I can tell you your feelings are justified and normal. Not saying your husband is an alcoholic, but the over the top, embarrassing behavior is just one of the many features of how alcohol can affect them and everyone around them. I would definitely bring it up and thoroughly discuss, perhaps even with your daughter present so he gets the message not only that you care, but you really feel that seriously about it. Let the initial anger pass, and then discuss.

[Anonymous]

Tell him how you feel. Focus on his health and how he is perceived by others, most importantly your daughter.

[Anonymous]

You are totally justified in finding this inappropriate. But giving someone the silent treatment is a totally inappropriate way to handle conflict.

It sounds like you both need to grow up for different reasons. This sounds like a good moment for a third party therapist to help you guys talk through this.

[Anonymous]

This. Would let your daughter carry the weight on this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are totally justified in finding this inappropriate. But giving someone the silent treatment is a totally inappropriate way to handle conflict.

It sounds like you both need to grow up for different reasons. This sounds like a good moment for a third party therapist to help you guys talk through this.

Wrong. OP doesn't need to do anything differently. Sometimes space, time and slience is exactly what is need to get over the initial strong emotions.

[Anonymous]

How often does your DH have this issue?

If it's a couple of times per month then your DH may have a binge drinking problem. "H" may just be the catalyst for it.

[Anonymous]

We have had other posts recently and the consensus is that the silent treatment is emotional abuse.

So, OP, no it’s not ok that this is how you’re handling it. You need to use your words snd talk to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have had other posts recently and the consensus is that the silent treatment is emotional abuse.

So, OP, no it’s not ok that this is how you’re handling it. You need to use your words snd talk to him.

Abuse? Hardly. She’s handling it fine by not talking to him for a while.

[Anonymous]

OP here I had initially said my piece to him the day after but then said i needed days to process this.

To answer someones question, no he does not do this often at all and honestly I do not remember the last time he was inebriated to this extent. He has again apologized and swore up down and sideways it will never happen again.

Also apologized to my daughter and other family. I am still upset but am going to try to move on. His friend H though a fun person to be around is just not the greatest influence on him as he tends to drink past the limit.

The time "off" has helped me to let off steam and think about things a bit, I get that some don't agree about not speaking to him but for me, it was the right thing. I NEEDED that time apart.

[Anonymous]

This seems like a gross overreaction on your part

[Anonymous]

There are two different reasons for not speaking to someone. One, because you need to process all your thoughts and emotions before you can have a productive conversation. Two, because you want to punish the person. This sounds like it's #1 for you, which is perfectly healthy. And it sounds like you told him you needed some time to process it. That's perfect.

As far as the alcohol goes, he may not be an alcoholic or even a binge drinker. But it sounds like he's a problem drinker. I don't like how stupid people act when intoxicated, but people can get super-drunk and still act safely and appropriately. My line in the sand is no inappropriate or dangerous behavior. Don't drink and drive. Don't get verbally abusive. Don't be embarrassing. Don't get lascivious with someone who's not your partner, or with your partner when they don't want that type of attention. If this stuff happens, that person is not adequately controlling their drinking and they need to figure out a better approach.

[Anonymous]

So he hangs out with H and typically gets boisterous instead of the "prim and proper" you prefer.

One single time, he got a bit over the top boisterous, flirty chatting with the younger women, and you didn't talk to him for a week?

Yeah, a massive overreaction from OP.

[Anonymous]

I'm like you, OP. I need a day, and often longer, to process my feelings. I usually say something like "I am very angry and need time to process this. We will discuss when I'm ready".

I'm also like you in that I find that behavior appalling in anyone over the age of 25. I tend to lay down the law once and let them know there are no second chances.