my mom wants to help out, but I am not so sure

[Anonymous]

My parents live 20 min away, and my dad has retired already. My mom is thinking to retire from work next year, and help me out with my 2 kids. I and DH work full time, and we have 2 kids (one in daycare, and one in public school K). She suggests for me to enroll my youngest from full day (8am-6pm) to part time (9-noon), and dis-enroll my oldest from before/after care (7-8:30am & 3:30-6pm) (she will take him to take school bus which is 1 block away), and that will save me maybe $1700 something like that per month in total.

My mom does not speak English, and she will just let them watch tv or let them play by themselves under her care, and she says that she will do it for free just to relieve my burden from morning/evening rushes & saving money. It is not really about money, and both of my kids love daycare and before/after care, and I don't want them to watch tv or do almost nothing at home. My mom will not stay overnight, will commute every day to my home, and she says she would rather busy taking care of grandkids than doing nothing with my dad the whole time. My dad is fine that my mom comes over to help me out. My dad was the one helping me to take care of my 2 kids when they were 3 months to 2.5 years old.

Pros
- saving me money, about $1700/a month
- I don't have to rush morning routine & drop off/pick up and commute to work, and help me cleaning the house with cooking some meals. My house is a mess.
- kids may learn second language from my mom

Cons
- kids may get bored at home
- kids watch tv at home
- could be some drama or conflict
- I think it is too tiring for her to do that to me

I really appreciate it, and my kids are really handful. And, if I accept her help, I will definitely pay her some money. But..... I don't know what to think because I think kids learn more and more happy staying outside of home than staying home with grandma. My youngest will drop nap next year. It won't happen about 9 months after, but I really need to think about this.

[Anonymous]

What is best for the kids? That's your focus. Choose that.

[Anonymous]

Keep the kids as they are. It does not sound like it would benefit them to change situations.

[Anonymous]

I'd have her help out with the kids once or twice a week, but not every day. You WILL have conflict, because you already don't like how she cares for them. But it would probably be good for them to spend some time with her, and it would give you a couple days without the morning/evening rush. Plus, she can have time with grandkids but also time to do other things, so she's less likely to burn out or become exhausted.

[Anonymous]

Could Mom do either mornings or afternoons? That saves you some money and removes some of the rush and let's her be with the kiddos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd have her help out with the kids once or twice a week, but not every day. You WILL have conflict, because you already don't like how she cares for them. But it would probably be good for them to spend some time with her, and it would give you a couple days without the morning/evening rush. Plus, she can have time with grandkids but also time to do other things, so she's less likely to burn out or become exhausted.

This if possible. Maybe don't have her do any morning care, so she can just spend time with them in the afternoon. She's less likely to sit them in front of the tv if she's less tired, and she'd be more tired if she did both a morning care and afternoon care.

[Anonymous]

Hard to say. It would be more attractive to me if she let them play independently, and maybe occasionally read them a book or sang songs in your native language, without the TV. She doesn’t need to be Mary Poppins, but I’d rather have my kids in external childcare (even though those are loooong days) than in front of the TV.

[Anonymous]

My mom helps me a TON, but without me relying on her for daily care.

She covers all the random days off my kid has in public school. Teacher workdays, extra holidays, some of the 2 week break at Christmas etc. She runs Gma Camp in the summer, so I send my kids there for 2-3 weeks. She's local, so we it's not over night, just during the day.

Pre-covid she was also my go-to if I had a sick child. You know the illnesses where your kid isn't well enough to go to school but is still well enough to need care. Fevers, waiting out a cold etc. I'm not sure I'd do this now, until the kids are vaccinated, but maybe. Now my DH and I WFH so we are home more.

Also, she'll help on weekends here and there too. It still adds up to a TON of time and love and fun with my mom. It saves me money. But if it's ever not working for either of us, we don't have a setup that we are completely relying on to function.

[Anonymous]

If you really think she wants to do this, I'd drop after care and put her on the pick-up list for daycare but keep the little one enrolled full-time. She can take the baby out early on any days she feels up to it or wants to go to the zoo or something, and get the older from school. The older gets daily time with grandma and will likely benefit from some wind-down time instead of 11 hours straight at school, and the language benefits, somewhat cleaner house, and some cooking benefits everyone with a calmer atmosphere.

You and DH can figure out drop-off/pickup for the little one and bigger kid has a more manageable school day length. Some money savings but the real benefit is time with grandma. If after 3 months she's pulling the little one out more than 3xs a week, revisit the idea of dropping daycare to half-day.

[Anonymous]

Nope.

Sounds like she’s from a culture where this might be expected of her.

Ask her to do some weekend or evening babysitting instead. Tell her you’d rather she keep earning money to save for her own retirement. Another thing you could say to make her feel better about saying no is that you never know what may happen to her health and your dads health and you don’t want her to feel torn or overloaded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hard to say. It would be more attractive to me if she let them play independently, and maybe occasionally read them a book or sang songs in your native language, without the TV. She doesn’t need to be Mary Poppins, but I’d rather have my kids in external childcare (even though those are loooong days) than in front of the TV.

After thinking about it more, I would recommend not making your mom part of your daily childcare routine, but instead leaning on her for backup care in the event of school closures or illness. For example, if you expect a snow day but you have to work, then have her stay over the previous night

[Anonymous]

No such thing as free childcare

[Anonymous]

You say you have one child in care from 7am-6pm. That just doesn't seem healthy. If your mom is loving and competent, I would seriously consider it. Your say your kids are a handful, but maybe spending 10-11 hours is just too much at their young ages and they would benefit from being with family. And learning a second language is a benefit.

[Anonymous]

Day care was great for both of my kids. our younger one is home now with a nanny, but he misses his friends at day care and I think the structure and social aspect of it were really good for him. Keep your younger one in daycare. It's not worth it to just do half days. She'd have the younger one and then hustle to pick up the older one from the bus and then stick them both in front of a tv--how's that better than keeping the younger one in daycare in his routine?

Here's what I'd do. I'd do a trial run first before dropping aftercare. Have her pick up DC1 for one week and see how that goes. Once the reality sets in, it may be very different from what she's envisioned. In any event, I'd prefer to have her as backup care rather than main source of care outside of school.

[Anonymous]

I understand why you don’t want them to watch TV all afternoon, but…what’s wrong with them playing by themselves?