my mom wants to help out, but I am not so sure

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand why you don’t want them to watch TV all afternoon, but…what’s wrong with them playing by themselves?

What is the value in having Granma there if she isn't going to engage with the kids? Every day can't be a day out at the zoo, or even a playground, but Grandma sitting and watching TV while Larla plays alone every afternoon doesn't sound like it's the right solution either - especially since the kids seem happy with their care situation and OP wouldn't make this change for monetary reasons.

[Anonymous]

I would try just mornings first. Old people get up early anyway. Have her come and help with the morning routine, spend time with the kids, the. You take the younger to school and she watches the older. You can then skip morning care.

Plus, ask her if she can take care of them for random days off like teacher work days? That would be sooo helpful to me, and a bunch of TV while keeping them safe is a fine standard of care for those days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd have her help out with the kids once or twice a week, but not every day. You WILL have conflict, because you already don't like how she cares for them. But it would probably be good for them to spend some time with her, and it would give you a couple days without the morning/evening rush. Plus, she can have time with grandkids but also time to do other things, so she's less likely to burn out or become exhausted.

Yes, I was going to say maybe she could just do mornings. Not both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd have her help out with the kids once or twice a week, but not every day. You WILL have conflict, because you already don't like how she cares for them. But it would probably be good for them to spend some time with her, and it would give you a couple days without the morning/evening rush. Plus, she can have time with grandkids but also time to do other things, so she's less likely to burn out or become exhausted.

this

[Anonymous]

OP - are you complaining to your Mom re: money? Are you complaining to your Mom about being too busy? If so, you've got to stop. You've got to stop sharing so much.

What do you want to do? You have to sit and think, and decided. No one here is going to know. You decide. And inform your Mother.

One thing I'd watch out for -- your Mother has done this yet. She hasn't done these duties yet. Day after day. She may tire out. You may not be able to count on her doing this long-term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents live 20 min away, and my dad has retired already. My mom is thinking to retire from work next year, and help me out with my 2 kids. I and DH work full time, and we have 2 kids (one in daycare, and one in public school K). She suggests for me to enroll my youngest from full day (8am-6pm) to part time (9-noon), and dis-enroll my oldest from before/after care (7-8:30am & 3:30-6pm) (she will take him to take school bus which is 1 block away), and that will save me maybe $1700 something like that per month in total.

My mom does not speak English, and she will just let them watch tv or let them play by themselves under her care, and she says that she will do it for free just to relieve my burden from morning/evening rushes & saving money. It is not really about money, and both of my kids love daycare and before/after care, and I don't want them to watch tv or do almost nothing at home. My mom will not stay overnight, will commute every day to my home, and she says she would rather busy taking care of grandkids than doing nothing with my dad the whole time. My dad is fine that my mom comes over to help me out. My dad was the one helping me to take care of my 2 kids when they were 3 months to 2.5 years old.

Pros
- saving me money, about $1700/a month
- I don't have to rush morning routine & drop of

k up and commute to work, and help me cleaning the house with cooking some meals. My house is a mess.
- kids may learn second language from my mom

Cons
- kids may get bored at home
- kids watch tv at home
- could be some drama or conflict
- I think it is too tiring for her to do that to me

I really appreciate it, and my kids are really handful. And, if I accept her help, I will definitely pay her some money. But..... I don't know what to think because I think kids learn more and more happy staying outside of home than staying home with grandma. My youngest will drop nap next year. It won't happen about 9 months after, but I really need to think about this.

Good lord. Find a real problem.

[Anonymous]

Keep your current arrangements and have your mom for backup care. She is underestimating the effort involved and it will lead to resentment on both sides.

[Anonymous]

Just say no. But work with your mom to ensure she knows that you want her to be a part of their lives and welcome her help - maybe make some suggestions for other ways she can be involved.

I would consider asking for her help before/after school or for pick-up/drop-off, but I would definitely NOT reduce to a half-day for your younger child.

We get help from my MIL, and it has been so helpful but also very frustrating. We recently moved to more in-school time, and it is GREAT. It's really hard not to have control over how your parents handle childcare if they are doing it all the time, and in my opinion, it's okay for grandparents we only sometimes are around to do things you might not love... but different if it is every day (i.e. TV, sweets, rules, etc).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand why you don’t want them to watch TV all afternoon, but…what’s wrong with them playing by themselves?

What is the value in having Granma there if she isn't going to engage with the kids? Every day can't be a day out at the zoo, or even a playground, but Grandma sitting and watching TV while Larla plays alone every afternoon doesn't sound like it's the right solution either - especially since the kids seem happy with their care situation and OP wouldn't make this change for monetary reasons.

Why do kids need to be constantly engaged? It's not good for them.

[Anonymous]

So we only need childcare twice a week after school. Grandpa does every other Friday usually. Our sitter bailed this week so Grandpa stepped in. He came straight from work so I super appreciate him. BUT, DD (9) didn’t get half her homework done because “ she forgot” so ended up doing it at 8pm. The sink was full of dishes and the soup I had made was sitting out on the counter, not thrown out or on fridge. He also put the TV while she ate and she sat on the floor and had dinner. The next day, same thing with dishes, the dogs were gated out of the living room because they make him nervous…….. I couldn’t say anything because it’s free help and he stepped up when needed. He is retiring though in Dec and has offered to watch DD the days we need. It makes me nervous though because I’ll have less say in what DD does. I don’t think you should do it FT personally. Have her maybe do once a week and be the back up person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom helps me a TON, but without me relying on her for daily care.

She covers all the random days off my kid has in public school. Teacher workdays, extra holidays, some of the 2 week break at Christmas etc. She runs Gma Camp in the summer, so I send my kids there for 2-3 weeks. She's local, so we it's not over night, just during the day.

Pre-covid she was also my go-to if I had a sick child. You know the illnesses where your kid isn't well enough to go to school but is still well enough to need care. Fevers, waiting out a cold etc. I'm not sure I'd do this now, until the kids are vaccinated, but maybe. Now my DH and I WFH so we are home more.

Also, she'll help on weekends here and there too. It still adds up to a TON of time and love and fun with my mom. It saves me money. But if it's ever not working for either of us, we don't have a setup that we are completely relying on to function.

This is what we do too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand why you don’t want them to watch TV all afternoon, but…what’s wrong with them playing by themselves?

What is the value in having Granma there if she isn't going to engage with the kids? Every day can't be a day out at the zoo, or even a playground, but Grandma sitting and watching TV while Larla plays alone every afternoon doesn't sound like it's the right solution either - especially since the kids seem happy with their care situation and OP wouldn't make this change for monetary reasons.

Why do kids need to be constantly engaged? It's not good for them.

They don’t need to be, but if money isn’t an issue, my kids like their care setup, and they’re going to get age appropriate care and socialization versus my mom sitting on the couch while my kid plays alone in the other room, I’m going with option A every time.

OP, love the idea of your mom being the backup care for sick days, early release, etc. I’d kill for that set up!

[Anonymous]

I would not drop all of your daycare, before and after care and have your mother do it. They are going to be issues that you don’t anticipate. What’s going to happen when your mother doesn’t get there in time in the morning and you are late for work? Traffic is a real issue. Also, what happens when she gets sick? You’re going to end up having to takeoff work because you don’t have a back up plan. Plus, you already sound like you’re not crazy about how your mother would care for your children. Your mother should be your back up plan. It’s much better if she helps for days off of school and sick days etc. rather than relying on her for primary care. Also, could you re-enroll your children in day care and aftercare if things don’t work out? I’m going to assume that you will not be able to as the spots that you give up will immediately be filled. So, if things didn’t work out the way you needed them to you may have no other option for quite awhile.

[Anonymous]

Keep your current situation. My parents help out a lot, weekends and day nights and such. But it would be too involved for us to have my mom the daily caretaker. It’s very sweet of your mother to offer this as she wants to do it for you. But maybe there’s something less involved that she can help with weekly.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the suggestion to let her help with the mornings so you can drop the AM school care and make your mornings easier. Maybe she could pick one afternoon a week where she picks the kids up early from school/daycare. Plus covering all those random days when school is closed. My parents did that for my nephews. They liked being with friends at aftercare most of the time but having a chill out day with the grandparents was a nice routine for them and my sister never had to worry about those random days.

I would definitely not drop care completely. She may find it's more work than she wants, the kids will miss social interaction, she and your dad might want to take a trip or get sick and then you'd need back up.