Ex had kids meet girlfriend of 2 days.

[Anonymous]

So this is nothing new. In fact, he did this exact same thing with his last girlfriend. On Saturday I get a text saying he wanted to let me know he was seeing someone, that it's nothing serious, he's taking it slow, but that if gets serious, he would like her to meet the kids.

Fast forward 2 days and my 2 year old and 4.5 year old come home. I ask my 4 year old if daddy has a new friend. She says yes, she came over, and gave her presents. It was even the same present that the last gf gave her (makeup). Then says quickly "don't tell daddy I told you!"

The last girlfriend passed away last spring. I made myself too available as his friend in the time between all this. Finally set more boundaries a few weeks ago and said no to us hanging out at each other's houses because I knew it was confusing for the children. I guess that gave him time to find a girlfriend.

The worst part is her being told to lie. He's a huge liar and is passing it down. And it is very dangerous as far as bad touch etc to be taught to keep secrets. But here he is, telling her to lie to her mother about adults she is around.

We agreed after his last gf that we would not get the children involved unless it got very serious for a few months. I've never brought anyone home to the kids. Now I see it was just to control me.

I expressed all of these concerns and just said "I told her to wait, I didn't want her to rub it in your face." He doesn't get this at all. It's not about me, it's about the kids.

[Anonymous]

His behavior is completely inappropriate, and I would be upset about it too. Your feelings on that are completely valid.

That said, you cannot change him, so you need to change how you respond when your daughter tells you these things so you don't inadvertently encourage her to start lying too. If you react to everything by fighting with your ex, you risk him punishing your daughter for it, directly or passive-aggressively, which will cause her to shut down and lie/withhold from you to avoid conflict with her dad. That she's already begging you not to tell her dad what she told you is a big red flag that she will stop telling you stuff if you keep doing what you're doing. You need to make yourself a safe place for her to confide in, so that she feels secure that she can tell you the truth and you'll support her the way she needs to be supported and won't use to go after your ex. That's the only way she will continue to tell you the truth.

When she comes to you with something like this, here's what you need to do:

1. Evaluate whether it is truly critical that you address your ex's behavior. If he refused to stop, would you feel the need to engage your lawyer and/or police because the behavior is causing an immediate risk of harm? If your ex were driving drunk with her in the car, that's obviously something you would have to address immediately. Him introducing his girlfriend to his daughter too soon does not pose a safety threat.

2. If the answer to #1 above is that it does not pose an imminent safety threat, focus the discussion on your daughter on how she feels about whatever happened. She is the focus, not your ex.

3. If you feel like something should be addressed but doesn't rise to the level of imminent risk, ask your daughter if she would like you to talk to her father about it. If she says no, reassure her that you will keep her confidence unless/until she tells you otherwise. If she says yes, don't assume you know the best way to approach it. Ask her what she would like you to tell her father. She's only 4.5, but she's probably more perceptive than you realize about what she needs to feel secure in this family arrangement.

If you do this, she will learn that you are her ally in making her feel safe, secure and confident, rather than someone she needs to hide from for fear of the repercussions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His behavior is completely inappropriate, and I would be upset about it too. Your feelings on that are completely valid.

That said, you cannot change him, so you need to change how you respond when your daughter tells you these things so you don't inadvertently encourage her to start lying too. If you react to everything by fighting with your ex, you risk him punishing your daughter for it, directly or passive-aggressively, which will cause her to shut down and lie/withhold from you to avoid conflict with her dad. That she's already begging you not to tell her dad what she told you is a big red flag that she will stop telling you stuff if you keep doing what you're doing. You need to make yourself a safe place for her to confide in, so that she feels secure that she can tell you the truth and you'll support her the way she needs to be supported and won't use to go after your ex. That's the only way she will continue to tell you the truth.

OP here. Thanks for the advice. I texted him, didn't tell her I was doing it, and applauded her for telling me the information. I tried not to make a huge deal, just asked if she liked her. I don't want to push her away from telling me things out of fear of me going off with the information. Its a balance for sure.
When she comes to you with something like this, here's what you need to do:

1. Evaluate whether it is truly critical that you address your ex's behavior. If he refused to stop, would you feel the need to engage your lawyer and/or police because the behavior is causing an immediate risk of harm? If your ex were driving drunk with her in the car, that's obviously something you would have to address immediately. Him introducing his girlfriend to his daughter too soon does not pose a safety threat.

2. If the answer to #1 above is that it does not pose an imminent safety threat, focus the discussion on your daughter on how she feels about whatever happened. She is the focus, not your ex.

3. If you feel like something should be addressed but doesn't rise to the level of imminent risk, ask your daughter if she would like you to talk to her father about it. If she says no, reassure her that you will keep her confidence unless/until she tells you otherwise. If she says yes, don't assume you know the best way to approach it. Ask her what she would like you to tell her father. She's only 4.5, but she's probably more perceptive than you realize about what she needs to feel secure in this family arrangement.

If you do this, she will learn that you are her ally in making her feel safe, secure and confident, rather than someone she needs to hide from for fear of the repercussions.

[Anonymous]

He's a mess of a dad.

I would tell him you will go to court if he continues to act this irresponsibly. My friend had it in her divorce decree he couldn't have any girlfriends alone or watching the kids. Nor spend the night when the kids were there.

Maybe the threat alone will straighten him out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's a mess of a dad.

I would tell him you will go to court if he continues to act this irresponsibly. My friend had it in her divorce decree he couldn't have any girlfriends alone or watching the kids. Nor spend the night when the kids were there.

Maybe the threat alone will straighten him out.

lol. go to court over what? Introducing the kids to his GF too soon? Its one thing if you have it in your custody agreement, but that seems unlikely (not a lawyer). They are EXs. She can't control his behavior, and what he's doing certainly isn't endangering the kids.

You get divorced, you deal with the consequences. Sorry to OP, you can disagree with his behavior, but honestly, you made that bed and now you have to deal with it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's a mess of a dad.

I would tell him you will go to court if he continues to act this irresponsibly. My friend had it in her divorce decree he couldn't have any girlfriends alone or watching the kids. Nor spend the night when the kids were there.

Maybe the threat alone will straighten him out.

lol. go to court over what? Introducing the kids to his GF too soon? Its one thing if you have it in your custody agreement, but that seems unlikely (not a lawyer). They are EXs. She can't control his behavior, and what he's doing certainly isn't endangering the kids.

You get divorced, you deal with the consequences. Sorry to OP, you can disagree with his behavior, but honestly, you made that bed and now you have to deal with it

When you are served you have to respond or appear. It's a pain no matter what happens.
It may be enough to curb his awful behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's a mess of a dad.

I would tell him you will go to court if he continues to act this irresponsibly. My friend had it in her divorce decree he couldn't have any girlfriends alone or watching the kids. Nor spend the night when the kids were there.

Maybe the threat alone will straighten him out.

lol. go to court over what? Introducing the kids to his GF too soon? Its one thing if you have it in your custody agreement, but that seems unlikely (not a lawyer). They are EXs. She can't control his behavior, and what he's doing certainly isn't endangering the kids.

You get divorced, you deal with the consequences. Sorry to OP, you can disagree with his behavior, but honestly, you made that bed and now you have to deal with it

When you are served you have to respond or appear. It's a pain no matter what happens.
It may be enough to curb his awful behavior.

DP. Yes, everyone knows disproportionate retaliation is the best way to smooth a contentious relationship.

[Anonymous]

As an aside....who the heck would give make up to a kid who is practically still a toddler?!

Ugh

[Anonymous]

He can do what he wants about introducing your kids to his new girlfriend. It’s not ok to encourage your kids to lie. And you have to look at how your reaction contributes to that. If you react badly then you know he will encourage them not to tell you. And it’s weird that you would grill them - they clearly know this is a sensitive subject and you are helping to put them in the middle. This is it going to go well for your family as your kids get older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So this is nothing new. In fact, he did this exact same thing with his last girlfriend. On Saturday I get a text saying he wanted to let me know he was seeing someone, that it's nothing serious, he's taking it slow, but that if gets serious, he would like her to meet the kids.

Fast forward 2 days and my 2 year old and 4.5 year old come home. I ask my 4 year old if daddy has a new friend. She says yes, she came over, and gave her presents. It was even the same present that the last gf gave her (makeup). Then says quickly "don't tell daddy I told you!"

The last girlfriend passed away last spring. I made myself too available as his friend in the time between all this. Finally set more boundaries a few weeks ago and said no to us hanging out at each other's houses because I knew it was confusing for the children. I guess that gave him time to find a girlfriend.

The worst part is her being told to lie. He's a huge liar and is passing it down. And it is very dangerous as far as bad touch etc to be taught to keep secrets. But here he is, telling her to lie to her mother about adults she is around.

We agreed after his last gf that we would not get the children involved unless it got very serious for a few months. I've never brought anyone home to the kids. Now I see it was just to control me.

I expressed all of these concerns and just said "I told her to wait, I didn't want her to rub it in your face." He doesn't get this at all. It's not about me, it's about the kids.

The biggest issue is you seeking this information from your 4year old. She is not your informant of what happens at her fathers house.

Stop asking your kids leading questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an aside....who the heck would give make up to a kid who is practically still a toddler?!

Ugh

I know, right? A dad who wants his preschooler to wear makeup? Two different women who were like, “Sure, I’ll give someone else’s small child makeup, because that’s a great way for us to bond and shouldn’t cause any problems with the child’s mother, my bf’s ex.”

If you’re not supposed to know about all of this, did they even buy new makeup? Or did they just regift the same makeup from former girlfriend?

[Anonymous]

Did you post before?

[Anonymous]

Grilling your kid is unacceptable. Why would you do that? Kids have a way to spill the beans without being grilled. You are wrong.

[Anonymous]

1) Don't list to the PP about going to court. Any lawyer will tell you you can't get an order restricting access to significant others. Even if you got him to agree to it voluntarily a judge would likely not enforce it.

2) I hear you on your concerns regarding secrets. It's good to start at a young age helping kids learn basic safety concepts. My son learned this through cub scouts. Without anger or emotion you solidify with her, remember Laila we shouldn't keep secrets even if it's your parent asking you to keep secret. It's safe to tell me.

3) Say your peace then let it go. When he breaks her heart by dumping his girlfriend he'll certainly hear about it. Some Dads, like my son's, don't care. It's more about the game he's playing than the feelings of others.

[Anonymous]

You sound like you like drama. Stop putting your kids in the middle of things. You were never married, aren't with him and he has a right to do what he wants. He probably is secretive as you are going to use issues.