Reply to Ex had kids meet girlfriend of 2 days.

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Reply to "Ex had kids meet girlfriend of 2 days."

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[quote=Anonymous]His behavior is completely inappropriate, and I would be upset about it too.  Your feelings on that are completely valid.

That said, you cannot change him, so you need to change how you respond when your daughter tells you these things so you don't inadvertently encourage her to start lying too.  If you react to everything by fighting with your ex, you risk him punishing your daughter for it, directly or passive-aggressively, which will cause her to shut down and lie/withhold from you to avoid conflict with her dad.  That she's already begging you not to tell her dad what she told you is a big red flag that she will stop telling you stuff if you keep doing what you're doing.  You need to make yourself a safe place for her to confide in, so that she feels secure that she can tell you the truth and you'll support her the way she needs to be supported and won't use to go after your ex.  That's the only way she will continue to tell you the truth.

When she comes to you with something like this, here's what you need to do:

1. Evaluate whether it is truly critical that you address your ex's behavior.  If he refused to stop, would you feel the need to engage your lawyer and/or police because the behavior is causing an immediate risk of harm?  If your ex were driving drunk with her in the car, that's obviously something you would have to address immediately.  Him introducing his girlfriend to his daughter too soon does not pose a safety threat.

2. If the answer to #1 above is that it does not pose an imminent safety threat, focus the discussion on your daughter on how she feels about whatever happened.  She is the focus, not your ex.

3. If you feel like something should be addressed but doesn't rise to the level of imminent risk, ask your daughter if she would like you to talk to her father about it.  If she says no, reassure her that you will keep her confidence unless/until she tells you otherwise.  If she says yes, don't assume you know the best way to approach it.  Ask her what she would like you to tell her father.  She's only 4.5, but she's probably more perceptive than you realize about what she needs to feel secure in this family arrangement.

If you do this, she will learn that you are her ally in making her feel safe, secure and confident, rather than someone she needs to hide from for fear of the repercussions.  [/quote]

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