Separation/Divorce when no one will or can move

[Anonymous]

How do you maneuver through separation and divorce proceedings when, at least initially, you're still in the same house? We are fortunate that we have spare bedrooms, etc. but any tips on how to do this while remaining in the same house from a BTDT perspective? My spouse refuses to move out despite being the one to initially offer to do so, but of course is now rolling that back (par for the course). I work from home (spouse is an hour-long drive commute) and from a childcare perspective it just makes way more sense for me to be here for the kids, otherwise I'd be happy to move out. It's just not a logical course of action from the kid perspective.

Any advice? I want to nail down some ideas/parameters before filing.

[Anonymous]

You come up with a schedule for the kids similar to what one might look like in a divorce. Who gets them out the door what mornings, etc.

You eat separate meals.

You live in separate rooms and do your best to not interact.

You do nothing together socially.

It sucks. Did it for six months. But it's prudent.

[Anonymous]

The "of course" is the funniest part of your message.

But YOU move out, dingbat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The "of course" is the funniest part of your message.

But YOU move out, dingbat.

Terrible advice. Talk to a lawyer. If you move out you could lose claim to the house and custody.

[Anonymous]

I’ve seen people divide the house geographically so each person is confined to one region and/or to certain zones of time when they are at home. Saw this done in a 2NR duplex so probably can be done in a house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you maneuver through separation and divorce proceedings when, at least initially, you're still in the same house? We are fortunate that we have spare bedrooms, etc. but any tips on how to do this while remaining in the same house from a BTDT perspective? My spouse refuses to move out despite being the one to initially offer to do so, but of course is now rolling that back (par for the course). I work from home (spouse is an hour-long drive commute) and from a childcare perspective it just makes way more sense for me to be here for the kids, otherwise I'd be happy to move out. It's just not a logical course of action from the kid perspective.

Any advice? I want to nail down some ideas/parameters before filing.

Maybe YOU should move out? Your spouse is already dealing with a long commute while you are flexible with telework. So maybe it would be less disruptive for everyone if you at least shouldered the move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you maneuver through separation and divorce proceedings when, at least initially, you're still in the same house? We are fortunate that we have spare bedrooms, etc. but any tips on how to do this while remaining in the same house from a BTDT perspective? My spouse refuses to move out despite being the one to initially offer to do so, but of course is now rolling that back (par for the course). I work from home (spouse is an hour-long drive commute) and from a childcare perspective it just makes way more sense for me to be here for the kids, otherwise I'd be happy to move out. It's just not a logical course of action from the kid perspective.

Any advice? I want to nail down some ideas/parameters before filing.

Maybe YOU should move out? Your spouse is already dealing with a long commute while you are flexible with telework. So maybe it would be less disruptive for everyone if you at least shouldered the move.

Leaving two kids with needed child care to get to school in the morning, when spouse leaves the house at 6 am?
As I said, I'd be happy to move out, but spouse won't let me bring the kids, nor should they have to upend their lives yet. One thing we both agree on is that kids stay here.
We have a 5 bedroom house. It seems to make more sense that three people stay in that 5 bedroom house, rather than one person, and that one person can get a one-bedroom apartment negating the need for a one-hour commute.
But as I said, I'm happy to move out. But the kids, and their needed care, have to come with me. Which isn't happening yet.
Spouse wants the divorce, by the way. I just happen to agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The "of course" is the funniest part of your message.

But YOU move out, dingbat.

If you knew my spouse, it would absolutely be "of course." Sticking by your word isn't exactly their strong suit.

[Anonymous]

Get a lawyer. You can still have an active separation agreement while living in the same home (he would have to sign it) but it's harder to prove separation if you don't have the formal agreement and still cohabitate.

Moving out risks you abandoning your claim to the property (in VA). Talk to a lawyer before you do so.

[Anonymous]

My partner has been doing this to me for YEARS, it sucks. She treats me like shit, blames me for everything, agrees the relationship is effectively over, but still refuses to either move out or make the necessary agreements to have me move out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My partner has been doing this to me for YEARS, it sucks. She treats me like shit, blames me for everything, agrees the relationship is effectively over, but still refuses to either move out or make the necessary agreements to have me move out.

But you could compromise and move out if it was that important to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My partner has been doing this to me for YEARS, it sucks. She treats me like shit, blames me for everything, agrees the relationship is effectively over, but still refuses to either move out or make the necessary agreements to have me move out.

But you could compromise and move out if it was that important to you.

But what PP described doesn't sound like a compromise. It seems the XW insists on 100% and the XH is just supposed to give up and get zero.

[Anonymous]

If someone cheated, their skank *ss is the one that should move out. Period.

[Anonymous]

You can be separate in the same house. Yes, it is easier to with a signed PSA. However, you will both have to figure out a permanent housing solution. This is why our divorce took 2 years from separation start to divorce decree. Housing was literally the hardest thing to figure out.

You can do with with a mediator or an attorney.

You have to be separate for a year before filing. I think you need to do an in-home separation and figure out your long-term housing solution. Will you sell the house? Will one of you keep it and buy the other out (usually by borrowing money)? Or what? It takes time to figure this out, but that is why you can have an in-home separation to do that.

[Anonymous]

What we did was to divide our custody schedule and then the person not responsible for the kids would make themself scarce during the other parent's custody time (work late, go out, stay in their room, etc).