Help me put my foot down with DH talking poorly to me

[Anonymous]

He calls me names, yells, curses. Yesterday over nothing, he told me to “shut the f up”, “f off” and that I was a “shitty person”. I’ve tried everything I can think of to get this stop. I told him again this morning that it’s a deal breaker for me and if he can’t get a handle on the behavior then he can go to therapy and that I would too or go with him to save the relationship. He started yelling and said I yell and cuss too - I don’t. And that he’s not doing any such thing and if I don’t like it I can leave. So I did. He won’t. We’ve been married over a decade and have kids, and he is at home with our animals and kids. Because I just didn’t want our kids to witness it again. Please tell me what to do. I have no family. Should I keep working at this, do other people deal with their spouse talking to them like this? Is this worth destroying my family for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He calls me names, yells, curses. Yesterday over nothing, he told me to “shut the f up”, “f off” and that I was a “shitty person”. I’ve tried everything I can think of to get this stop. I told him again this morning that it’s a deal breaker for me and if he can’t get a handle on the behavior then he can go to therapy and that I would too or go with him to save the relationship. He started yelling and said I yell and cuss too - I don’t. And that he’s not doing any such thing and if I don’t like it I can leave. So I did. He won’t. We’ve been married over a decade and have kids, and he is at home with our animals and kids. Because I just didn’t want our kids to witness it again. Please tell me what to do. I have no family. Should I keep working at this, do other people deal with their spouse talking to them like this? Is this worth destroying my family for?

You are being abused, and he will start abusing your kids. And your kids are going to grow up seeing abuse as okay.

[Anonymous]

This is unacceptable.

I think you should consult an attorney.

I’m not sure it is a good idea for you to leave the house and kids - that could be considered some sort of abandonment. I don’t know, that’s why I think you should ask a lawyer. Also, called a domestic abuse hotline. You might be able to get tips from there.

But no, this is not ok. I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

It’s either a deal breaker or it’s not… is it?

[Anonymous]

Are you financially independent?
Time to start talking to a divorce lawyer and seeing what your options are. It doesn’t sound like there’s love there anymore, and even if there is, you don’t have to put up with that. And your kids shouldn’t see it.

[Anonymous]

Time to get your ducks in a row.

Do you have a job? Start looking.

Get your finances in order.

[Anonymous]

Be smart. Get all ducks in a row. Make sure you have plan B fully ready to go -

Is this new behavior ?

[Anonymous]

You did put your foot down.Your words mean very little to him. Time for action.

[Anonymous]

You say it’s a deal-breaker but you don’t put your money where your mouth is and actually leave - like a trial separation (and divorce if he doesn’t stop verbally abusing you). There are no stakes or consequences, and he doesn’t respect you. That being said, I don’t think I could continue to be married to someone who has the capacity for such cruelty and abuse; it’s a disgrace.

I’m not certain what you meant in your post - did you just leave for a few hours or are you staying elsewhere?

[Anonymous]

Just to try to get you to see how insane this is — there are lots of people who don’t deal with this from their spouse AT ALL. And you should not have to deal with this.

I’ve been married 15 years. My husband and I have never, ever yelled at each other (we also don’t yell at our kids). On some very rare occasions, I have likely said “stop acting like a jackass.” On one very memorable occasion I told him to F-off during an incredibly stressful moment. One time in all these years he told me to “stop having such a shitty attitude” — spoiler alert, he was right.

But overall, when we are mad at each other, we can be pretty respectful in how we articulate what we are mad about. We typically reach an amicable resolution. When we don’t and things get tense, we usually end up apologizing that we didn’t handle the situation well — even if we have to agree to disagree on the subject matter. We are always striving to do better and make sure our marriage is happy and peaceful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just to try to get you to see how insane this is — there are lots of people who don’t deal with this from their spouse AT ALL. And you should not have to deal with this.

I’ve been married 15 years. My husband and I have never, ever yelled at each other (we also don’t yell at our kids). On some very rare occasions, I have likely said “stop acting like a jackass.” On one very memorable occasion I told him to F-off during an incredibly stressful moment. One time in all these years he told me to “stop having such a shitty attitude” — spoiler alert, he was right.

But overall, when we are mad at each other, we can be pretty respectful in how we articulate what we are mad about. We typically reach an amicable resolution. When we don’t and things get tense, we usually end up apologizing that we didn’t handle the situation well — even if we have to agree to disagree on the subject matter. We are always striving to do better and make sure our marriage is happy and peaceful.

Same.

[Anonymous]

“Stop or I’ll tell you to go to therapy” is not putting your foot down.

“Stop or I will divorce you” is putting your foot down.

But you have to mean it. Do you? You should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just to try to get you to see how insane this is — there are lots of people who don’t deal with this from their spouse AT ALL. And you should not have to deal with this.

I’ve been married 15 years. My husband and I have never, ever yelled at each other (we also don’t yell at our kids). On some very rare occasions, I have likely said “stop acting like a jackass.” On one very memorable occasion I told him to F-off during an incredibly stressful moment. One time in all these years he told me to “stop having such a shitty attitude” — spoiler alert, he was right.

But overall, when we are mad at each other, we can be pretty respectful in how we articulate what we are mad about. We typically reach an amicable resolution. When we don’t and things get tense, we usually end up apologizing that we didn’t handle the situation well — even if we have to agree to disagree on the subject matter. We are always striving to do better and make sure our marriage is happy and peaceful.

I totally could I have written this. Our marriage isn’t perfect but I don’t think it would even occur to us to be mean or yell.

OP you said that it’s a dealbreaker, as it should be. He did what was a dealbreaker and you need to follow through. What the kids really need is one parent who gives them lots of love and emotional security. If they get that from you, then a divorce will be much better than what they’re going through now.

[Anonymous]

A good resource for you is thehotline.org, the website of the National Domestic Violence Hotline. They have a lot of information on relationships on their website, but you can also call or do an online chat with a trained counselor 24/7.

[Anonymous]

Op, don't tell him what to do such as going to therapy.
Put your foot down and tell him this is over or unacceptable for you. Giving him choices means like you need the relationship more than him and that would not push him to improve. Just my 2 cents.