Help me put my foot down with DH talking poorly to me

[Anonymous]

This would be a dealbreaker for me. Maybe therapy would be helpful but I wouldn’t be waiting around to see.

[Anonymous]

I divorced this. I can tell you, the person who does this already thinks they have you by the balls and there is nothing you can do bc you are already married. They will not stop. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say it’s a deal-breaker but you don’t put your money where your mouth is and actually leave - like a trial separation (and divorce if he doesn’t stop verbally abusing you). There are no stakes or consequences, and he doesn’t respect you. That being said, I don’t think I could continue to be married to someone who has the capacity for such cruelty and abuse; it’s a disgrace.

I’m not certain what you meant in your post - did you just leave for a few hours or are you staying elsewhere?

Btw, I meant HE is a disgrace, not you!!

[Anonymous]

Can people be more specific to OP about what to do?
When I talked to a lawyer for an initial consult, she said better not to leave the house and best if you could come to a voluntary division of assets. What do you do if that’s not practical? Just rent an apartment and move out otherwise and take the kids? Wait until you have a temporary order of support in hand? Maybe if someone can outline the process for her it will feel less overwhelming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He calls me names, yells, curses. Yesterday over nothing, he told me to “shut the f up”, “f off” and that I was a “shitty person”. I’ve tried everything I can think of to get this stop. I told him again this morning that it’s a deal breaker for me and if he can’t get a handle on the behavior then he can go to therapy and that I would too or go with him to save the relationship. He started yelling and said I yell and cuss too - I don’t. And that he’s not doing any such thing and if I don’t like it I can leave. So I did. He won’t. We’ve been married over a decade and have kids, and he is at home with our animals and kids. Because I just didn’t want our kids to witness it again. Please tell me what to do. I have no family. Should I keep working at this, do other people deal with their spouse talking to them like this? Is this worth destroying my family for?

This is emotional abuse and, statistically, it will escalate to physical abuse at some point. YOU are not destroying your family by leaving your abusive spouse - you are saving it. Please take your children and get out somehow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to try to get you to see how insane this is — there are lots of people who don’t deal with this from their spouse AT ALL. And you should not have to deal with this.

I’ve been married 15 years. My husband and I have never, ever yelled at each other (we also don’t yell at our kids). On some very rare occasions, I have likely said “stop acting like a jackass.” On one very memorable occasion I told him to F-off during an incredibly stressful moment. One time in all these years he told me to “stop having such a shitty attitude” — spoiler alert, he was right.

But overall, when we are mad at each other, we can be pretty respectful in how we articulate what we are mad about. We typically reach an amicable resolution. When we don’t and things get tense, we usually end up apologizing that we didn’t handle the situation well — even if we have to agree to disagree on the subject matter. We are always striving to do better and make sure our marriage is happy and peaceful.

Same.

+2

And for context, I have been in relationships where I was abused verbally, physically, and sexually.

There is not even a hint of any of that with my DH. We love each other and treat each other respect.

[Anonymous]

So the reality is, he will get 50% custody. How do you feel about leaving your kids with this unstable person for days on end without you around at all?

Everyone says, “Leave and take the kids with you.” but they omit this fact.

[Anonymous]

They also leave out the fact that Family Courts not care about verbally or physically abusive spouses. They care about Dad a rights and Mom rights. If the kid says something about scary dad, the kid must be lying. Go stay with Scary Dad.
Look, scary dad has a job, he must be OK.
Look, scary dad has some pictures of you guys at the playground, he must be good.
Look, scary dad got called a name by Mom during a fight, he is a victim too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So the reality is, he will get 50% custody. How do you feel about leaving your kids with this unstable person for days on end without you around at all?

Everyone says, “Leave and take the kids with you.” but they omit this fact.

At the same time, the kids have the chance to be in a peaceful, calm and healthy home 50% of the time, rather than live in an unstable, stressful environment 100% of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this worth destroying my family for?

Maybe your family is already being destroyed by the status quo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the reality is, he will get 50% custody. How do you feel about leaving your kids with this unstable person for days on end without you around at all?

Everyone says, “Leave and take the kids with you.” but they omit this fact.

At the same time, the kids have the chance to be in a peaceful, calm and healthy home 50% of the time, rather than live in an unstable, stressful environment 100% of the time.

Plus he can take you to family custody court every 3 months until the kid ages out at 18yo. Buckle up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So the reality is, he will get 50% custody. How do you feel about leaving your kids with this unstable person for days on end without you around at all?

Everyone says, “Leave and take the kids with you.” but they omit this fact.

Guys like this do one of two things: fight hard for custody just to piss off their wives, or completely ditch the kids. Maybe she will get lucky and he will ditch them.

[Anonymous]

Your definition of “putting your foot down” and “deal-breaker” are pretty different than the typical known definitions. Your kids are seeing this as an example of what a relationship is like. Is this what you want them to learn. You husband has ZERO incentive to make any change. Your threats are meaningless. You need to get prepared to leave, give him an ultimatum on behavior and if he doesn’t make the behavior changes/ go to therapy (or whatever you need him to do), you leave. Raising your kids in an abusive environment is not a great solution.

[Anonymous]

He is emotionally abusing you and gas lighting you.
If you are in MoCo, call the Family Justice Center - 240-773-0444.
Or call the DV hotline that someone posted earlier in the thread. Talk to an advocate and they can help you see what all of your options are.

[Anonymous]

Grow a spine and get your kids out of that situation