any freshman struggling a few weeks in?

[Anonymous]

I know I'll get the typical "land the helicopter" response and I am not letting her come home, nor am I visiting her, but my DD called last night to say that she "hates this school" and has been having a mental breakdown for the past two weeks. It is just kind of everything, from social to sports to academics. Has plenty of friends and is into a team club sport, but complains that everyone is just all about going out drinking every day and not just drinking, but getting flat out wasted and throwing up all over. She is very social and she is out with everyone at the bars and frats but doesn't like to be out of control so she is not the one really getting drunk. That means she ends up having to take care of everyone else, and make sure everyone gets home etc.

School is hard, teachers are unclear, hours and hours of homework every day etc. She didn't get into her first choice club sport.

Typical stuff I know, other than the usual pep talk and get back to it, I know there is not much I can do and she needs to make it work for herself on her own.

That said, any stories where it has turned around for your freshman? She is at her absolute dream school so to hear her say that she hates it just breaks my heart.

[Anonymous]

Can she hang out with nerdier more academic types?

[Anonymous]

Encourage her to broaden her social circle, join a club, meet people who are doing different things. There are plenty of students who are not getting wasted every night, but she won't find them at the bars or frats. You mentioned she is on a sports team, but she might need to find a group that is either more academic or less rowdy to spend some of her time with and balance out her teammates' partying.

It's also a big transition and having a lot of feelings is normal. Suggest to her that she take some quiet time for herself some evenings instead of going out, and maybe find a therapist.

The hardcore partying will die down for some groups after a few weeks, too - I work at a college and this time of year is out of control, but in a few weeks the coursework will have really ramped up and the vast majority of students will go to partying 2-3 days per week, not every day.

[Anonymous]

Time time time. She’s in the thick of it right now. She’s finding her way. It’s hard. But she will get through it. She’ll figure out which friends she wants to hang with. She’ll get in the groove with her professors.

Just be supportive.
“That sounds hard. What’s your thinking about what you might do about it?”
“I’m sorry it’s difficult right now. What’s something you can do today/tomorrow that you enjoy.”

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Encourage her to broaden her social circle, join a club, meet people who are doing different things. There are plenty of students who are not getting wasted every night, but she won't find them at the bars or frats. You mentioned she is on a sports team, but she might need to find a group that is either more academic or less rowdy to spend some of her time with and balance out her teammates' partying.

It's also a big transition and having a lot of feelings is normal. Suggest to her that she take some quiet time for herself some evenings instead of going out, and maybe find a therapist.

The hardcore partying will die down for some groups after a few weeks, too - I work at a college and this time of year is out of control, but in a few weeks the coursework will have really ramped up and the vast majority of students will go to partying 2-3 days per week, not every day.

Thanks yes, she actually hasn't started any of the sport stuff yet other than one meeting, so that will ramp up and I think that will help actually. It's her hall mates in the dorm and her roommate. She loves them all but they are just out of control and she is tired of being responsible for them all. She's had to pick her roommate off the fraternity floor more than once.

I keep thinking it will die down and I told her that. I mean once tests and essays etc start hitting, I don't know how these kids can keep this up.

It doesn't help probably that she is older, she is 19 in a month. Her roommate just turned 18... so there is a maturity gap for sure.

[Anonymous]

Yep. I had a really hard time at college also, because I didn't drink. I recall telling my mother "THey act like wild animals just let out of a cage". There was a poster up in the dorm with everyone's name and how many times they'd puked.

She needs to find other friends like her, who don't drink. Then she'll have more fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Encourage her to broaden her social circle, join a club, meet people who are doing different things. There are plenty of students who are not getting wasted every night, but she won't find them at the bars or frats. You mentioned she is on a sports team, but she might need to find a group that is either more academic or less rowdy to spend some of her time with and balance out her teammates' partying.

It's also a big transition and having a lot of feelings is normal. Suggest to her that she take some quiet time for herself some evenings instead of going out, and maybe find a therapist.

The hardcore partying will die down for some groups after a few weeks, too - I work at a college and this time of year is out of control, but in a few weeks the coursework will have really ramped up and the vast majority of students will go to partying 2-3 days per week, not every day.

I agree that she needs a different friend group...though she is probably reticent to give up what she has at this point.

Are there clubs related to her major? Someone she meets in a course that seems nice, who should could ask on a hike or to share lunch?

It must be so upsetting for you. I agree, that she might reach out to the Counselling Center, which has undoubtedly helped other kids get through similar feelings.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep. I had a really hard time at college also, because I didn't drink. I recall telling my mother "THey act like wild animals just let out of a cage". There was a poster up in the dorm with everyone's name and how many times they'd puked.

She needs to find other friends like her, who don't drink. Then she'll have more fun.

I wish people choosing colleges would do some research on their drinking cultures. While some drinking goes on at all schools, the abuse culture is over the top at some.

You can figure this out by looking at survey results on UNIGO (which includes items on whether there is pressure for everyone to drink, or social options that do not revolve around getting drunk).

This is all made worse by parents who just accept drinking in high school, which is of course years before it is legal in the US. That ups the ante for them when they get to college and want to feel even MORE grown up. Really sad and pretty dangerous.

[Anonymous]

The weird thing is that I would have predicted SHE would be the one drinking every night LOL. In fact the advice i gave her when she left was only this, "do not be the freshman girl that everyone has to pick up off the floor throwing up". Meanwhile she surprised me and is not that person and is rather the one picking them up!

So its not that she doesn't drink, she does, but she does not like to get flat out drunk and as we all know, its never fun being the sober one in an out of control group.

[Anonymous]

Is she local in the DMV or elsewhere? She can join a club or a sorority...just give it time. It is concerning she hangs out with the drinking crowd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she local in the DMV or elsewhere? She can join a club or a sorority...just give it time. It is concerning she hangs out with the drinking crowd.

well that is literally just her hall mates.. so they are right there. She is about two hours away from home. Just had the very upsetting news that she didn't get into her desired club, and the other club sport hasn't started up yet.

I know it will take time. It's just heartbreaking and she needs a "win" right now. An A on a quiz or getting into a club she wants or finding someone new to befriend. She is also struggling with boy issues and learning that they are basically all jerks in college so that doesn't help.

[Anonymous]

Boy stuff already?

Seems like maybe she should use this time to focus more on her class work? Organizing her calendar around the course syllabi. Maybe forming a study group? Checking out the Writing Center. Really, she sounds like she is focused on the wrong stuff.

[Anonymous]

It will be better. Huge life change. Thanksgiving will look much different.

[Anonymous]

Picking dorm-mates off the floor is not her job. Why does she feel like it t is? Why would she even go out with these wild kids?

[Anonymous]

I remember half my friends wanted to transfer at the beginning of Freshman year, only 1 of them ended up doing it. Its a big transition and everyone was a fish out of water.