Please help me help my daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with another question, that I hope doesn't get lost in the thread.

Is this also something I should bring up with the pediatrician? Is that helpful at all? What are the pros and cons?

I really think your issues are beyond the experience of a pediatrician. A child psychiatrist would have better skills. I don’t think it’s a bad place to start with a pediatrician, but you need more help.

Also, get a therapist set up for her. Many are online and therefore more convenient. It may take awhile to build up a relationship between the therapist and child.

Yes, I'm guessing we will most likely eventually meet with a psychiatrist and psychologist.

I'm asking if there's any benefit or downside to keeping the pediatrician in the loop.

Yes, there is a downside - it is slowing your progression to a psychiatrist and med trials. Eventually is not soon enough.

[Anonymous]

It is great that you have down all those things. That isn’t at all what it sounded like when you said you needed to step away from all this and started talking about your mom needing you.

Honestly, the fact that there is an eating disorder in the family means you need to get even more focused on this part of the issue as quickly as you can. I hope you can see an ED specialist very soon.

[Anonymous]

OP with an update. I've reached out to the school counselor about reducing or pausing the homework until we get her back on track. I've scheduled a follow up with her endocrinologist. And we are searching for a therapist for her. Next on my list is to get her a cardiologist appointment, in case she will be prescribed any medication.

Quick question to PP re: bringing DD to our intake session at the private provider. We were planning on not taking her - and I thought the psychologist said typically it's just for the parents. Do you think otherwise? We brought our daughter to the initial consultation, and was able to meet the psychologist then. She turned her chair around and refused to talk to anyone, which was expected, and good for the psychologist to see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update. I've reached out to the school counselor about reducing or pausing the homework until we get her back on track. I've scheduled a follow up with her endocrinologist. And we are searching for a therapist for her. Next on my list is to get her a cardiologist appointment, in case she will be prescribed any medication.

Quick question to PP re: bringing DD to our intake session at the private provider. We were planning on not taking her - and I thought the psychologist said typically it's just for the parents. Do you think otherwise? We brought our daughter to the initial consultation, and was able to meet the psychologist then. She turned her chair around and refused to talk to anyone, which was expected, and good for the psychologist to see.

The school counselor recommended we cut her off at 1.5hrs of homework each evening. She typically spends 3-5hrs a day, including weekends. And then email the teacher if she didn't get to finish something.

Cardiologist is scheduled. Still searching for a therapist.

There's a lot of anger and defiance from DD about ANY limits we set on her, and anytime we try to intervene or encroach on her autonomy and freedom. And yet, she lacks any self awareness that she's incapable of setting reasonable limits for herself and that everything is doing is leading to less control. So we have to tread really carefully, especially because I fear it may lead to an ED in her effort to maintain her sense of control and autonomy.

This has been her personality trait since the days she was in my womb. She was itching to get out of my womb ASAP. And as a baby, she hated being swaddled. At 1, she climbed out of her crib and climbed over baby gates and tumbled down the stairs many times. Consequences have never worked with her, they just made her dig in her heels even more. With multiple children, it is much easier to see the contrast and differences in personality. Long road ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update. I've reached out to the school counselor about reducing or pausing the homework until we get her back on track. I've scheduled a follow up with her endocrinologist. And we are searching for a therapist for her. Next on my list is to get her a cardiologist appointment, in case she will be prescribed any medication.

Quick question to PP re: bringing DD to our intake session at the private provider. We were planning on not taking her - and I thought the psychologist said typically it's just for the parents. Do you think otherwise? We brought our daughter to the initial consultation, and was able to meet the psychologist then. She turned her chair around and refused to talk to anyone, which was expected, and good for the psychologist to see.

Not the PP you are asking. (I am a PP whose child had an eating disorder, a cardiac condition, and ADHD that needs stimulants to treat, among other things that didn't come up in my comments). First I want to say that you are doing a great job. People describing this as life and death are dramatic. You are right that this is a marathon not a sprint. And, there is no one right way to do things except it would be wrong to do nothing.

As to your question. My thought is this. You want to feel comfortable speaking freely and not having to worry about what you say and how you say it. You just want all of the information on the table. You might also want to be talking about your opinions, frustrations and fears. For these reasons, I would NOT take my child to the initial intake unless it is required. I have been down this road many times and can't say enough about how important it was for me to speak freely and not watch my words for fear of upsetting my child. That doesn't mean there won't be another meeting that involves parents, provider and child. But a parents and provider only meeting is really helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update. I've reached out to the school counselor about reducing or pausing the homework until we get her back on track. I've scheduled a follow up with her endocrinologist. And we are searching for a therapist for her. Next on my list is to get her a cardiologist appointment, in case she will be prescribed any medication.

Quick question to PP re: bringing DD to our intake session at the private provider. We were planning on not taking her - and I thought the psychologist said typically it's just for the parents. Do you think otherwise? We brought our daughter to the initial consultation, and was able to meet the psychologist then. She turned her chair around and refused to talk to anyone, which was expected, and good for the psychologist to see.

Not the PP you are asking. (I am a PP whose child had an eating disorder, a cardiac condition, and ADHD that needs stimulants to treat, among other things that didn't come up in my comments). First I want to say that you are doing a great job. People describing this as life and death are dramatic. You are right that this is a marathon not a sprint. And, there is no one right way to do things except it would be wrong to do nothing.

As to your question. My thought is this. You want to feel comfortable speaking freely and not having to worry about what you say and how you say it. You just want all of the information on the table. You might also want to be talking about your opinions, frustrations and fears. For these reasons, I would NOT take my child to the initial intake unless it is required. I have been down this road many times and can't say enough about how important it was for me to speak freely and not watch my words for fear of upsetting my child. That doesn't mean there won't be another meeting that involves parents, provider and child. But a parents and provider only meeting is really helpful.

Thanks, this is helpful. It's comforting to hear from someone who has gone down a similar road, although I'm sorry you have had to walk this difficult path as well.

[Anonymous]

At intake appointments we have had, the provider talks with us all together, then parents alone, child alone and then all together again. They are normally longer than a regular session. Ask the provider how they do it.

[Anonymous]

https://www.inova.org/our-services/inova-kellar-center/programs-services/kellar-school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update. I've reached out to the school counselor about reducing or pausing the homework until we get her back on track. I've scheduled a follow up with her endocrinologist. And we are searching for a therapist for her. Next on my list is to get her a cardiologist appointment, in case she will be prescribed any medication.

Quick question to PP re: bringing DD to our intake session at the private provider. We were planning on not taking her - and I thought the psychologist said typically it's just for the parents. Do you think otherwise? We brought our daughter to the initial consultation, and was able to meet the psychologist then. She turned her chair around and refused to talk to anyone, which was expected, and good for the psychologist to see.

Not the PP, but in my experience, a neuropsychologist, or anyone doing testing, will want to see you alone, and then take a few days to make a plan for testing, and then see the child alone for a couple days close together for the testing.

A treating psychologist, one who is providing therapy, often will do a combined intake, where they see you and the child separately and then together. If you worry about your kid being physically or emotionally safe sitting in a waiting room, they may do it differently. Some kids might really spiral in that situation.

Obviously, I'd ask for the specific doctor's approach, but that's what I've seen most often.

[Anonymous]

OP, take her to the ped for a full work up and see if they will help with medication and then look into therapy. Can you bribe her? Most kids refuse therapy at first. And, you need to make sure its a good fit.

For the food, can you give her 2-3 choices per meal and make sure to make what she wants for 3 meals a day - not ideal but it will get her eating.

For homework, sit down with her and figure out where she gets stuck and maybe consider tutors. We use online tutors who are under $15 an hour. I would not say hey do 2 hours and if its not done its not done as they will just sit there for the two hours and never do anything.

Get a neuropsych or at least a psychoeducational and a hearing exam, just for rule out.

Most people here will compare your child to theirs and say your child has XXX because mine does and it may or may not be the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At intake appointments we have had, the provider talks with us all together, then parents alone, child alone and then all together again. They are normally longer than a regular session. Ask the provider how they do it.

Yeah really. Not seeing kid and agreeing with parents this is "anxiety" and then nothing...what a crock.

[Anonymous]

Agree about not taking her for the intake. She might not be receptive to therapy in any case in the state that she is in. I would focus on getting her to a psychiatrist above all.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Had a really bizarre experience today with DD. After speaking with her school counselor, we decided to stick to a hard homework time limit for DD. I communicated this to DD, and as expected, she reacted in anger. Threatened to kill me, stab me with a knife, pulled out her pocket knife, told me I was useless, told me I was telling everyone lies about her, said I was treating her as if she had a disability, etc, basically a tantrum. She doesn't mean any of it - it's the equivalent to a toddler screaming. In moments of anger, she just tries to think of the most shocking and most inappropriate thing she could do. But I did make it crystal clear that I'd be taking away her laptop at a specific time and would cut her off from homework after the allotted time. And then whatever she didn't finish, we'd just write to the teacher and let them know. The counselor said they'd talk to the teachers and make sure it didn't count against her when she didn't finish.

Miraculously...she finished her homework within that time limit. This was after consistently spending 3-5hrs every day on homework, - she finished in 1.5hrs. The crazy part? Afterwards, over dinner, she literally became a different person. I mean, who she was before at times. She was talking, about her interests, lively engaging, and having an actual conversation with us. This was after being a brooding, mumbling, depressed and sick looking kid for at least 2 months. And literally just 30 minutes after telling me, "Mom, does it bother you that I will never want to talk to you again? That I'd rather talk to my journal than ever talk to you?" and I just responded, "I'm glad you have an outlet"

I know it's just one night. And I know about adolescent mood swings. But I literally hadn't seen this girl in forever. I don't want to jinx it or count my chickens before they hatch. But it was so nice, and so surprising. It felt like we had finally freed her from this terrible nightmare loop she was stuck in and she just needed us to pull her out of it.

This was a really tough month. She had spent days refusing to even to talk to us. But that was nice.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you tried restricting the laptop so school only/no social media, browsing. And, sitting with her. I'm glad that strategy worked but you also don't want her rushing and putting care into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Had a really bizarre experience today with DD. After speaking with her school counselor, we decided to stick to a hard homework time limit for DD. I communicated this to DD, and as expected, she reacted in anger. Threatened to kill me, stab me with a knife, pulled out her pocket knife, told me I was useless, told me I was telling everyone lies about her, said I was treating her as if she had a disability, etc, basically a tantrum. She doesn't mean any of it - it's the equivalent to a toddler screaming. In moments of anger, she just tries to think of the most shocking and most inappropriate thing she could do. But I did make it crystal clear that I'd be taking away her laptop at a specific time and would cut her off from homework after the allotted time. And then whatever she didn't finish, we'd just write to the teacher and let them know. The counselor said they'd talk to the teachers and make sure it didn't count against her when she didn't finish.

Miraculously...she finished her homework within that time limit. This was after consistently spending 3-5hrs every day on homework, - she finished in 1.5hrs. The crazy part? Afterwards, over dinner, she literally became a different person. I mean, who she was before at times. She was talking, about her interests, lively engaging, and having an actual conversation with us. This was after being a brooding, mumbling, depressed and sick looking kid for at least 2 months. And literally just 30 minutes after telling me, "Mom, does it bother you that I will never want to talk to you again? That I'd rather talk to my journal than ever talk to you?" and I just responded, "I'm glad you have an outlet"

I know it's just one night. And I know about adolescent mood swings. But I literally hadn't seen this girl in forever. I don't want to jinx it or count my chickens before they hatch. But it was so nice, and so surprising. It felt like we had finally freed her from this terrible nightmare loop she was stuck in and she just needed us to pull her out of it.

This was a really tough month. She had spent days refusing to even to talk to us. But that was nice.

My dd does this too, so I understand, but your dd pulled an actual knife on you. I hope you confiscated the pocket knife. Making empty threats is one thing, but brandishing a weapon is a bridge too far. She doesn’t carry it to school, does she?